Seanbaby
Whenever the energetic Hughie Jennings stepped to the plate, the audience shouted out his catchphrase of "ee-yah!" while the bat boy walked to first base to wait with a bag of frozen peas and a neck brace. That's because when he retired from baseball in 1918, Hughie had been hit by 287 pitches. He took such a pounding to get on base that the stats on his baseball card were just a recipe for chicken scallopini.
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The Houston Astros' Craig Biggio was only two behind Hughie when he retired in 2007, but with our technology, getting hit by balls is not quite the medical marvel it was in 1918. Back then, they didn't have machines to jam cerebrospinal fluid back up your nose. In 1918, when a doctor saw that many bruises, all he did was ask you what you did to make your husband so upset and add that if you're quite through wasting his time, he has a waiting room full of horses with actual injuries.
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Clifford "The Black Rhino" Etienne started his amateur boxing career in prison while he was serving 40 years for armed robbery. He was let out 30 years early because once a prison teaches a violent criminal how to fight, its job is done. I think it might be a corrupt scheme to sell more prosthetic limbs and rape kits.
Once the judge was convinced he was reading actual charges and not a Martin Scorsese script, he gave Clifford 150 years without parole. This brought his career conviction total to 190 years. That is a sports record that will last forever. For an athlete to beat that record, he would have to get sentenced to life in prison for molesting his placenta during child birth and then live 69 years longer than the oldest person ever. Plus, now that I think about it, it would also have to take place in a country where placenta molestation is a pro sport, and last I checked, the Little Miss USA Pageant isn't a country. "Check and mate," says Clifford Etienne.
Future Hall-of-Famer Brett Favre played so long that he racked up more NFL records than any other quarterback including most completed passes, most thrown yards and longest consecutive starts at an impossibly impossible 297. But there are downsides to being ageless and unkillable. For example, Brett watched three of his urologists die of old age and in his desperation he started texting pictures of his penis to friends.
During his boxing career, American super middleweight Reggie Strickland lost 276 professional fights. If it's true that you learn more from a defeat than a victory, that makes him the smartest man on the planet. And he might be. At first it sounds stupid to take every fight you're ever offered, but think of all the hotel costs you save when you sleep in the center of a boxing ring every night. Reggie Strickland once fought nine times in a month and three times in four days. That's less like balls than it's like unethical neurological experiments. He woke up on the mat so often that he started saving time by wearing a mouth piece made out of scrambled eggs. His corner man was a box of Pop Tarts.
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In 1991 against the Minnesota Timberwolves, Tim Hardaway shot the ball 17 times and didn't make one of them. It was an incredible feat of failure most people can't match in their first 17 shots ever. Mathematically speaking, if you startle 17 pigeons, at least one of them is guaranteed to go through a basketball hoop. Of course if you do that, the next person to dunk gets cholera. My point is, Shaquille O'Neal hasn't even missed 17 free throws in a row and he shoots foul shots like a timid third grader raising his hand to ask if it's okay to have a seizure.
* Similar to how Barry Bonds was technically a catoblepas*** when he broke the home run record, this sports achievement needs an asterisk -- during this game, Hardaway also had 13 assists and his team won in overtime.**
Bill Bergen is the worst batter in baseball history. He hit .170 over his career. In 1909 he set two batting records that have stood for more than a century: Lowest Season Batting Average (.139) and Longest Hitless Batting Streak (46). Forty-six at bats without a hit ... I bet when Bill Bergen finally broke the pinata at his sixth birthday party, he took off his blindfold to see divorce papers from his third wife.
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Rasheed Wallace retired with 304 technical fouls. He once had 41 of them in a single season, meaning that for an entire year he averaged one illegal temper tantrum every two games. The NBA actually instituted a rule in 2006 that players would be fined and suspended for a game after their 16th technical foul. When this did little to stop Rasheed Wallace's theatrical disbelief at every call against him, the league instituted a zero-tolerance policy regarding "
Rasheed's behavior was so bad that the National Basketball Association had to constantly invent new ways to deal with him and even then, he still managed to get 
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