Hit By the Most Pitches

Hughie Jennings

Whenever the energetic Hughie Jennings stepped to the plate, the audience shouted out his catchphrase of "ee-yah!" while the bat boy walked to first base to wait with a bag of frozen peas and a neck brace. That's because when he retired from baseball in 1918, Hughie had been hit by 287 pitches. He took such a pounding to get on base that the stats on his baseball card were just a recipe for chicken scallopini.

Hughie once took a ball to the head in the 3rd inning, and he was so tough that he waited until the end of the game to fall into a, no bullshit, three day coma. He has every record for being hit by a pitch by any measurement of time. He once got hit by three pitches in a single game, and he almost remembered one of them. In the 1896 season, 51 balls smashed into Hughie. That might seem like a normal number if you're producing a turn of the century drama starring Phil Collins' mouth, but when you're talking about high-velocity objects impacting on a human body, it's kind of crazy. Speaking of crazy, when he traveled to away games, Hughie saved time by leaning into the grill of speeding trucks heading that direction. He had so many concussions that opposing first basemen were coached to sing sweet songs to him, knowing that if he fell asleep he'd die.

Longest Prison Sentence(s)

Clifford Etienne

Clifford "The Black Rhino" Etienne started his amateur boxing career in prison while he was serving 40 years for armed robbery. He was let out 30 years early because once a prison teaches a violent criminal how to fight, its job is done. I think it might be a corrupt scheme to sell more prosthetic limbs and rape kits.

Before he used his new-found freedom to become a shitty professional thief, Clifford became a decent professional boxer. Coming into his 20th fight, he had a perfect 19-0 record with 13 knockouts. And to Clifford's credit, Fres Oquendo had to knock him down seven times before he stayed there. After the loss, Etienne seemed to be OK, winning five more fights from 2001 to 2003. But I guess he had 49 seconds to kill one night, so he spent them in front of Mike Tyson whose right hand exploded the part of Clifford's brain that knows what legs do:

Most Worst Records in an NFL Career

Brett Favre

Future Hall-of-Famer Brett Favre played so long that he racked up more NFL records than any other quarterback including most completed passes, most thrown yards and longest consecutive starts at an impossibly impossible 297. But there are downsides to being ageless and unkillable. For example, Brett watched three of his urologists die of old age and in his desperation he started texting pictures of his penis to friends.

During his long, long career, Brett also accumulated some unwanted records. He has more fumbles than any player that will ever play (166). He threw more interceptions than any player will ever throw (336). He lost more post-season games than any quarterback will ever lose (11). He was sacked 525 times, and that's not entirely his fault, but no one will fucking beat that, ever. That's nine more than John Elway took and Elway didn't give a shit. When John Elway is standing in lava with a football, he will stay there and sink until you're open. If Weekend at Bernie's 3 was set in the NFL, it would be less stupidly gruesome than a future quarterback trying to break Brett Favre's Number of Times Sacked record.

Most Lost Fights

Reggie Strickland

During his boxing career, American super middleweight Reggie Strickland lost 276 professional fights. If it's true that you learn more from a defeat than a victory, that makes him the smartest man on the planet. And he might be. At first it sounds stupid to take every fight you're ever offered, but think of all the hotel costs you save when you sleep in the center of a boxing ring every night. Reggie Strickland once fought nine times in a month and three times in four days. That's less like balls than it's like unethical neurological experiments. He woke up on the mat so often that he started saving time by wearing a mouth piece made out of scrambled eggs. His corner man was a box of Pop Tarts.

Worst Shooting Game of All Time*

Tim Hardaway

In 1991 against the Minnesota Timberwolves, Tim Hardaway shot the ball 17 times and didn't make one of them. It was an incredible feat of failure most people can't match in their first 17 shots ever. Mathematically speaking, if you startle 17 pigeons, at least one of them is guaranteed to go through a basketball hoop. Of course if you do that, the next person to dunk gets cholera. My point is, Shaquille O'Neal hasn't even missed 17 free throws in a row and he shoots foul shots like a timid third grader raising his hand to ask if it's okay to have a seizure.

Longest Hitless Streak

Bill Bergen

Bill Bergen is the worst batter in baseball history. He hit .170 over his career. In 1909 he set two batting records that have stood for more than a century: Lowest Season Batting Average (.139) and Longest Hitless Batting Streak (46). Forty-six at bats without a hit ... I bet when Bill Bergen finally broke the pinata at his sixth birthday party, he took off his blindfold to see divorce papers from his third wife.

This very year, baseball fans looked on in morbid fascination when they realized Craig Counsell of the Brewers might actually beat Bergen's timeless failure. He struggled to the plate 45 straight times without a hit. No one has tried so hard for such an extended period of time with zero results since the TSA.

Craig's big at bat came on August 5th when, with a 6 run lead in the 9th inning, his coach thought it'd be funny to let him tie the dubious record as a pinch hitter. Ha ha, try to figure that shit out, future historians! Unfortunately, Craig failed to fail and hit a single. Sorry to let you down, future historians.

Most Technical Fouls

Not Rasheed Wallace

Rasheed Wallace retired with 304 technical fouls. He once had 41 of them in a single season, meaning that for an entire year he averaged one illegal temper tantrum every two games. The NBA actually instituted a rule in 2006 that players would be fined and suspended for a game after their 16th technical foul. When this did little to stop Rasheed Wallace's theatrical disbelief at every call against him, the league instituted a zero-tolerance policy regarding "demonstrative displays." Both of these rules were commonly referred to by the same name: "The Rasheed Wallace Rule."