Not all workout plans are created equal. For every person lazily eyeballing a treadmill like it's the summation of every one of their ex-wife's complaints, someone is doing painful shoulder shrugs in order to one day meet that same ex-wife. However, most gyms don't take this variety into account. They charge a flat fee that you pay every month, and you deal with it as you will, whether that means going for hours a day, or promising yourself that you'll start going for hours a day next Monday.
It doesn't need to be this way though. You should be able to pay for a plan that specifically caters to all of your personal malfunctions. So, when you see me as CEO of Dan's Warrior Gym in 2015, just know that it all started here, with these seven special gym memberships that you should be able to acquire.
The "I'm Here to Bother Women" Plan
Since many guys go to the gym in order to look good for the women they'll hopefully meet later, discovering that women go to the gym as well is a very "two birds, one stone" kind of revelation. Some people ask themselves the question, "Is this the appropriate time or place for this?" and decide against vomiting ungainly witticisms at girls. They ask themselves in the gym, on the train, or in the passenger's seats of cars, but this membership is not for those people. For those that this membership is built for, there's never a wrong time to let a girl sweating through pullups know that you have a boner meant just for her.
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"Handies can tone your forearms way better than free weights ... wait, come back ..."
For the record, I totally understand how hard it is to shut down the ever-present need to flirt with busy women. I can barely make it through a trip to the grocery store without telling a lady that she looks hot buying frozen tilapia. And then you go to the gym and they're lacking sleeves and dressed in tight leggings? There's just something about a girl grunting her way through a StairMaster session that makes it impossible for you to refrain from trying to see if she can not only form more words than "Fuck off," but the necessary combination of words that it takes to seem like there may be an opportunity for sex later. And if you're going to the gym with the express intentions of using it as a way to find something to do with all of your sperm, that combination is surprisingly small.
Masturbating while crying in the shower doesn't count.