In the basement of the evil department store, there's a room with a conveyor belt that carries garbage up a ramp to drop it into an oubliette with a wood chipper at the bottom. Why would a department store have something like this? Because no sane decision was made at any point during this film's production. I guarantee you that craft services was just cat meat served out of a clown's mouth.
Stationed at this James Bond death trap is a character credited as "Compactor Room Janitor." He comes stumbling out of the bathroom to witness a mannequin come to life and fall in love with a man. He's not scared, though. This seems to be news he was waiting for for his entire life, and he leaps into the garbage to find a mannequin of his own to love forever. And he does! He recovers the body of Roxie, who got knocked out by debris earlier while trying to kill the doll who stole her lover and bankrupted her company. Anyway, she wakes up to a passionate kiss from a janitor to commemorate the 11-minute anniversary of her last sexual assault.
It's an understandable mistake when you're a janitor who recently learned the gods grant life to mannequins who know true love's touch.
Roxie howls for him to stop touching her as Andrew McCarthy and his mannequin stroll down the conveyor belt. Without a care. They could easily say, "Sir, that one's not a mannequin," but they don't. It will take more than an ex-girlfriend pleading to a rapist janitor for her life to distract Andrew McCarthy from this special moment. Roxie fights her way out of his grip as the room fills with police, and the janitor doesn't bother running away or apologizing. Why would he? He has no reason not to think she's a magical mannequin -- and a shitty one at that, since the faulty thing isn't even falling in love with anybody.
While every other character in the movie stands in front of him and wraps up the plot, the janitor silently does the math in his head. He knows that digging a mannequin out of the trash will turn it into a real woman, and by his calculations, there's a one in two chance she falls in love with her rescuer. And he's not crazy; he saw it with his own eyes. So the moment everyone leaves, he dives back into the trash to dig up another lover.
This is meant to be a cute button, but is it? This fucker will be digging through garbage for dummies for the rest of his life. He'll try saying magic words and recreating daring conveyor belt rescues. He'll beg the gaping mouths of sex dolls for any sign of life and confess his love to hundreds, maybe thousands of dolls in his quest to find a third magical one. This janitor was only touched by the plot of Mannequin for three minutes, and it destroyed all hope of him ever loving or being loved. If Mannequin was about a mannequin who chased shoppers with a machete, it would have made for a happier movie.
Seanbaby and you can build this dream together, standing strong together. You can follow him on Twitter now. And if this world runs out of mobile games, you'll still have Calculords. Nothing's going to stop us. Nothing's going to stop us now. Whoa-oh.
Support your favorite Cracked writers with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
For more, check out 7 Movies That Don't Realize They're Horror Movies:
Follow us on Facebook ... Or else.