The website for Tactical Baby Gear has, as the first text your eyes are drawn to, the words "Drop the girly diaper bag." Then there's a dude in full tactical gear holding a baby, and he's bedecked with various baby items, as well as all the military gear. A surface reading says that of course they're in on the joke. This is just a cute website that gets it, and they're selling fun stuff for dads. Except that all the text and imagery is still there to literally sell these products. It's not a joke, it's a real business, and even couched in cuteness, it's built around the idea that your baby is cramping your ability to snipe the enemy, and the smell of napalm in the morning has been befouled by the smell of baby wipes and soft stool.
There's nothing inherently wrong with the stuff this site sells. It's probably great-quality stuff, too. It's just the unbridled fear and desperation that you'd somehow not be as manly as a motorcycle crafted from whiskey-soaked rocket launchers with a baby in tow that makes it all so questionable. Men fear being "girly" because they have a diaper bag handy that looks like it might appeal to a baby, as opposed to a full-grown man who plays Call Of Duty more hours per week than he works. As any good dad knows, babies are goddamn sissies, what with their pale blues and pinks and whatnot. Fuck your baby aesthetic, everything you have is desert camo now. If the baby ever gets lost outside of Vegas, it's staying lost.
All the text on the website is from the perspective of a dude who watches satire with total sincerity. "Your diaper bag is not your child's accessory -- it's yours!" reads the first line of text on the "About Us" page, and that is quickly followed up with referencing how it's "a world in which parents find themselves in the trenches of child rearing together. So why are diaper bags still designed as if the wife will be the only one carrying them?" Because that powder blue bag is for girls! You had sex with your wife and reproduced? What a wuss!
The Rezvani Tank Is Apparently For Rich People To Go Off-Roading In Combat Zones
I drive a Nissan, and if there's one major complaint I have about it, it's that nothing on it can take an explosion very well, and I doubt it would escape the Hundred-Hand Slap from E. Honda very well either. What good is it? I should have invested in "The Tank" from Rezvani Motors, because anything you call a tank is practical and reasonable for everyday life. Look at fish tanks! No one says they're crazy.
Rezvani MotorsThe cupholders are so big that your civilian drinks fall right through to the floor.
Like any vehicle, this sort-of SUV is for regular folks like you and me, though they call it a Tactical Urban Vehicle and really talk up how good it is at off-roading, which is a thing all kinds of people like to do in Jeeps and such. But if you buy the Tank, you get a much more in-depth option package and can off-road though places like RoboCop's Detroit. It is for people who are, in the words of the founder, "ready for the apocalypse."
Aside from the usual options for an off-road vehicle, like improved shocks and front and rear driveshafts, you can also outfit your Tank with thermal night vision, gas masks, electrified door handles, and bomb protection. None of these seem to be jokes, and they'll cost you up to $97,000 on top of the $178,000 base cost. Electrified door handles, incidentally, are apparently exactly what they sound like -- the handle shocks people who try to open the door uninvited. Suck it, valet at that new steak place!
And in case you still think all of that is a wacky fake product some car maker created to sucker rubes like us, here's Jamie Foxx driving his around town.
Yep, that looks like the apocalypse, alright.
And hey, forget Monster, it doesn't mix particularly well with anything the way Red Bull does.
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