This appears to be a photograph of a man attacking a van with his tremendously explosive forehead - but is in actuality of Dennis Pinto, a stuntman from North Carolina. Dennis seems to have misunderstood exactly what stuntmen are supposed to do which, ideally, is to simulate
incredibly dangerous scenarios while in reality remaining safe and secure, because Pintoâs âstuntâ here is not actually a photo of a spectacularly destructive failure. This is what was supposed to happen!
And thatâs why Mr. Pinto is easily the hardest motherfucker on earth: The man sees this horrific orgy of flame and steel, this outtake from a Die Hard movie, this screencap from the biggest budget snuff film in history, and thinks âTotal success! That went down exactly how I wanted it to.â
The plan was to race a motorcycle at 60 MPH into the side of a parked van, which would then explode, sending him flying through the flames and out the other side where he would cushion his landingâ¦with a couple of cardboard boxes. And because Dennis Pinto is apparently the Highlander, he also insisted that he be set on fire before they could even start. This manâs typical work day consists of him dying a more catastrophic death than a Batman
villainâ¦then getting up and taking a bow. So, next time your jobâs got you a little down, just think of olâ Dennis Pinto here, and realize that any complaints you might have can only serve to make you look like kind of a pussy in comparison. Really, the only way he could make you look worse is if he was doing like, the Kid 'n Play Shuffle or something while flying through that explosion.
Oh. Well, you are fucked.
Robotic Hell-Dog Motorcycle
Say hi to Larry, the latest creation from the Mutoid Waste Company in North London. He would say hello back, but unfortunately the only language Larry speaks is Hellfire, and he conjugates his verbs by tearing out the throats of angels. Larry is basically half-motorcycle, half-dog, half-robot and half dragon. If my math is off by a bit here, please forgive me â Iâm just little distracted by this magnificent son of a bitch who rides the Houndlike Guardian of Robot Hell to work every morning, while I loudly curse my Kia Optima and seethe in impotent, jealous awe.
If you want the technical specs, Larry the Robot Dog is powered by a Citroen 2CV engine and transmission and, though his front legs are fully functional, his back legs have been replaced by wheels to make him more stable and improve speed. Although, may I be perfectly frank? If your main concern right this moment is understanding the practicalities of Larryâs construction, I suggest that you set your priorities straight and use this time to instead find whoever stole all the joy out of your life and kick them in the balls.
Merce Death, an avant-garde Japanese musician, is seen here playing his latest invention: The Lightning Guitar. Technically speaking, this is just an ordinary electric guitar hooked up to a Tesla coil instead of a traditional amplifier. And it in no way grants Mr. Death the ability to fight crime by firing devastating lightning bolts whenever he plays a particularly bitchinâ soloâ¦but youâd never know that from reading the thousands of pages of fan fiction I just wrote.