... that he was holding me for sport, wanting me to escape only for the thrill of hunting me down. Even his repeated threats to call the police were only a bluff -- what would I have to fear from them? No, I crawled safely back into the trunk, dreading the abuse that would result, but knowing it was my only chance of survival.
The Rescue Is The Most Dangerous Part
Counterintuitively, one of the most dangerous times during a kidnapping situation is during a rescue attempt. There's a good chance people are going to get shot, and pants are going to get shat, and you'd like only one of those things, if any, to happen to you.
Being shot would suck, yes, but you also don't want to look poopy in front of the army guys.
Under no circumstances should you run -- there's a very good chance of you being confused for a bad guy. Stay low. Hit the floor, get behind heavy furniture, and cover whatever part of your body you value most.
Barbara Penoyar/Photodisc/Getty Images
Your pretty, pretty mouth.
Once everything calms down, don't be surprised if your rescuers immediately put you in handcuffs or other restraints. In these sorts of situations, kidnappers often disguise themselves as their hostages, and it can take a while to sort out who's who. Just relax, and know that everything is about to get a lot better.
How I Managed When I Was Kidnapped:
As anticipated, the rescue was loud, the rescuers unforgiving, and the pants were definitely shat. The aftermath was also as confusing as the experts have stated, and my kidnapper, along with his accomplices -- his wife and family -- managed to trick the police somehow. In short order I found myself in the back of another car, essentially being kidnapped again.
Fortunately for me, this wasn't the first time I'd been kidnapped that day, and using my expertise, I was able to win my freedom in exchange for little more than a $5,000 ransom and a promise to come back later, like I'd ever do that.
So I guess if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's that advice on the Internet is generally correct, and you should follow it all without fail, and that "failure to appear" is a made-up crime.
Happy Kidnap Surviving!
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and an expert in whatever you need him to be. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
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