6

The Worst Crime Scene Ever

Police told Jason Rodriguez that he had been released on his own recognizance, which he misinterpreted to mean that he was an invisible Zen master who could not be identified by anyone but his own true self. Or at least that's the least-dumb explanation for what happened next. They released him from the station's side door, perhaps precognitively ashamed to be seen with someone so stupid, and he walked to the front door of the open, fully lit, and security camera-ed police station and vandalized it.

NBC
The most visible crime outside of flashing the queen.

5

Phone Thief Gives Justice a Second Chance

When a Russian judge released self-confessed phone-thiever Alexander Kishko, Alex reportedly decided he should give justice a do-over by phone-thievorizing the judge's phone before leaving the building. This guy steals phones so often that we had to create a new verb for him, and a new tense: the present-imperfectly-phone-thievorizing. Because for everyone else it's just the present tense. And because he was immediately caught in the act again.

Allan Danahar/Digital Vision/Getty Images
"No, I'm not worried. For some reason no one ever steals my phone."

4

Stolen Credit Card for Fraud Fingerprints Fee

Newspapers report that a man charged with fraud in Mason, Michigan, attempted to pay for his fingerprinting with a stolen credit card. Unfortunately, becoming a living parody of America's cash-based legal system didn't protect him from further prosecution.

Brand X Pictures/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images
"The jury is reminded that 'smirking' is not a valid legal term."

"Should I use a stolen credit card?" has to be a complicated decision for those in straits dire enough to consider it. You have to balance need against risk, and of course check if the entire building you're in -- including the person you're about to hand the card to -- works for the police department. At that point you might want to lean toward "no."

Thinkstock/photos.com
"Thanks, I could only have found your criminal record faster if you'd given me a semen sample. No, that won't be- NO I SAID NO."

3

I Stole Your Money, You Stole My Heart

Police in Columbus, Ohio, report that Stephfon Bennett has been arrested for robbery and desperately needs a date. They report that he was captured two hours after being suspected of robbing Daniel and Diana Martinez when he arrived at Diana's house to ask her out. From a certain alpha male-style brain it makes sense: He now knows for a fact that he is better at fighting and has more money than her current date. It also proves that alpha masculinity is idiotic bullshit.

Hulton Archive/Getty Images
The only situation in which a man can be referring to a "bitch" without being an asshole.

We can only assume that Bennett was an advanced pick-up artist trying out an experimental new form of super-negging and meeting with the same level of success all such douchebaggery deserves. We can say he was dedicated, because he was still outside the house when police arrived to arrest him. And that, Hollywood writers, is what really happens when someone's entire romantic strategy is totally dedicating themselves to a woman no matter what reality and sanity might say about it.

Returning to claim the love of the one you've already stolen from only works when you're a Greek myth, and trying it in the real world leads to similar levels of disbelief that you're real.

2

Your Underage Daughter Wouldn't Sleep With Me

A 57-year-old Stockholm man reportedly met a 13-year-old on an Internet dating site and transferred 500 kronor ($72 in 2010) into her bank account. When he arrived at their sex rendezvous, she wasn't there, proving that she wasn't totally stupid.

Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
"Thanks, sucker, this Charles and Christopher is gonna buy momma the glitteriest iPhone case in the world!"

1

Fake Bomb Detectors

British businessman Gary Bolton has been jailed for seven years for selling fake bomb detectors. The court heard from the world's most understated Home Office defense expert that the device had "no credibility as an explosive detector," because it had no functioning parts of any kind. The BBC reports that X-rays revealed the devices to be totally empty. They were just plastic boxes with handles, antennae, and a price tag of 10,000 pounds.

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Like this, but significantly less sweet.

That is the most obvious and scumbaggy crime possible. If you build a machine that can't detect bombs, that is going to become terrifyingly clear to some poor bastard, and his surviving colleagues are going to be very upset. And have more of your empty boxes left to examine. Hell, they'll even be able to see the empty void inside the first one when it's been blown open. Was his plan to have every single user of the device exploded so that they couldn't press charges?

The judge said Bolton had damaged the reputation of British trade abroad. If you're selling fake bomb detectors and the only thing you damage is a reputation, that's the only reason you're being sentenced by a court instead of a crowd of amputees using their remaining limbs to loft burning torches and a scaffold. That may still happen when the various global security agencies he just tried to mass-manslaughter find out that he's only been jailed for seven years. That's a shorter sentence than some marijuana dealers receive, and that stuff prevents people from going out and getting bombed.

Luke has a website, tumbles, and responds to every single tweet.

Adulate more admirable figures with Who's the Man? Superman vs. He-Man, or avoid assholery yourself with 5 Nerd Hacks That Make You Less of a Jerk.

Enjoy more idiotic criminal capers with The 9 Most Hilarious Ways Criminals Were Caught or more effective felons with 7 Wanted Criminals Who Made Mocking the Police into an Art Form.

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