Wait, if cheeseburgers and Big Macs are people, and the Hamburglar who's eating them is a murderer, does that mean we should stop eating them too? If Mayor McCheese is a gigantic hamburger, does that mean we're eating the children of his species? Yes. YES IT DOES. We're EATING THE KIDS.

See the truth that you can't unsee. It's canon in the McDonald's universe that hamburgers are children. They are talking, learning, sentient children, who are being slowly picked off by an evil clown ... wait a second, this is starting to sound familiar. A town where children routinely disappear, while the mayor and law enforcement are no help. There's a clown who's taking the children away. IT and 1980s McDonald's commercials have the same overarching plot. IT was written in 1986, right around the heyday of the McDonaldland commercials. So it's official: IT was inspired by McDonald's commercials. There is nothing more horrifying than those. Except ...

But he's not necessarily stitched-together corpses. He could be constructed from the corpses of some race of berry people. But we do see him get struck by lightning and come to life in his very first commercial appearance. So he was definitely dead at one point, and now he's definitely alive again, and his sole purpose seems to be to get you to eat this cereal. And that sounds highly suspicious to me.

General Mills, Inc.

I'm not sure who thought what was originally an allegory for the horrendous repercussions of man playing God would make a great company spokescorpse, but I have to say, that person knew their shit. I feel morally obligated to eat Franken Berry now. For me, coming back from the dead would, I imagine, spark questions like "Who am I?" or "What is the meaning of life?" or "Do I deserve to exist in this state?" But I guess "Hey kid, let these sharp strawberry squares tear up your mouth!" is pretty important too. In it's own way.

There's no such thing as a good bear or a bad bear. There are just bears. They are animals, and you shouldn't let them in your house, unless you're also a bear. It will definitely poop in there, and probably also try to eat you. However, it's hard to avoid a bear when it can apparently teleport into laundry piles, so that's bad. Surprise! "There's a bear in your laundry" is literally never a good surprise.

Then there's the fact that he sneaks into people's houses while they're gone to sniff their laundry. Soooo he's at least a little bit of a pervert, right? If anyone else does that, they are definitely a pervert. Why is it OK for Snuggle? Is it because he's a bear? I don't watch a lot of nature documentaries, but is that something bears do in the wild? Do they also send you weird DMs on Twitter and give hugs that last too long? I'm just trying to find the line when it comes to bear perversion.

Or is the Snuggle commercial making the point that bears are OK as long as they are perverts? They obviously can't harm us, because they need us to create that yummy-smelling laundry they want to huff. So don't forget, kids: If you see a bear in the woods, make sure it's a pervert before you approach it.

If you go to YouTube and binge-watch Mrs. Butterworth commercials, which I did because again, so much time on my hands, you'll start to feel like Mrs. Butterworth is a little bit full of herself. In her efforts to convince you to drink her blood, she just will not shut up about how thick and rich she is. I've got news for you, Mrs. Butterworth: There is only one thick rich woman whom literally everyone wants to see at breakfast and her name is Rihanna. So you can just chill.

If eating out is difficult, eating at Chuck E. Cheese's is impossible. I know 500 children have directly licked, snotted, or bled on every surface in that place. I've met children, and I know their ways. Then Chuck E. Cheese's hangs a smiling mouse giving me a thumbs up over my table, as if to say, "I approve of how many of my little mouse babies scuttled all over you pizza!" That's how the Bubonic plague was started, I'm pretty sure.

CEC Entertainment, Inc

Couldn't they have chosen any other animal that enjoys the X-Games to be their mascot? Isn't there any fun animal that doesn't famously invade kitchens and give people leptospirosis? Here, Chuck E. Cheese's, I'll pick a new mascot for you. What's the first sport that pops into my mind? Snowboarding! And the first animal? Filth! Oh shit, this is actually harder than it sounds.

With the heartless pragmatism only a large corporation could muster, StarKist denies him the death he so craves every time, and they do it with such joy. "Sorry Charlie," they say. "We don't want fish with good taste. We want fish who taste good." HAHAHAHA, you bland asshole.

StarKist Tuna

How do they know what Charlie tastes like if they won't give him the dignity of at least slicing off part of his side, mixing it with some mayo and onion, and tasting it like a true American? I don't know about you, StarKist Tuna, but I believe in a country where everyone is given an equal opportunity to pursue their dreams. If Charlie wants to die by being shoved into a can of your fine tuna, I think you should at least give him a chance! Please join my letter-writing campaign to StarKist Tuna, asking them to show someone publicly killing and eating their mascot. It's just the right thing to do.

First of all, you should know his real name is "Poppin' Fresh," and he has a family. It's a pretty large extended family which includes his wife Poppie, his grandfather Granpopper, and a son named Popper. Did the Arrested Development theme just start playing in anyone else's head? That's a lot of people depending on him. People he would have a strong urge to defend from, say, others who may want to consume their tasty dough bodies. Maybe Poppin' Fresh is just doing what needs to be done to keep his family going?

In a mascot world of child thief clowns, reanimated berry corpses, and pervert bears, Poppin' Fresh is actually kind of a Walter-White-esque antihero. Sure, he's joyously feeding the flesh of his kind to others, but he's doing it for his family, and you kind of have to love him for it. Also, sometimes his commercials say "wiener" a lot:

LOL, wiener

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