The only thing America loves more than an underdog success story is seeing a powerful, amoral asshole get his comeuppance. This is especially true for celebrities. The success of magazines like People, Star and Us Weekly isn't predicated on how interested humanity is in Blake Lively's new dress, the issues sell because dental patients and grocery shoppers want to see if Blake Lively has caught on fire yet. Watching famous people fall (particularly into fires) is a special indulgence for most of us, and the gratification only intensifies when the star never deserved such a high perch in the first place.
I aim to capitalize on this hatred. I've collected footage from seven films in which unacceptably famous celebrities play characters that die horrific deaths. Even with an audience willing to grant the suspension of disbelief, these stars still can't help but drag their big, stupid personalities into every role, and humanity collectively cheers when a killer bleeds it out of them.
I'm still holding out hope that David Caruso is playing an elaborate hoax on the world. Somewhere between NYPD Blue and CSI Miami he was clearing out some old things and decided he didn't need functional social etiquette anymore. He has lost all context for how regular people interact with one another, which is a crucial skill set for actors. Perhaps in a very literal attempt to avoid insulting co-stars, he refuses to talk down to anyone; instead he stoops as low as he possibly can and then looks up like a dog that just defecated in the study again. It's especially absurd to watch when he has to talk to children.
"Unlike you and me, not every murder case is...black and white."
Despite the hail of insults and fast food I'm assuming he's pelted with daily, David Caruso maintains remarkably
When humanity turned against Paris Hilton it wasn't prepared for her to live so long. There was an early and hard sprint of hatred with no consideration for how exhausting it would be in the later laps. In recent years she hasn't done anything to redeem herself but it's almost too tiring to offer her any more attention.
"I'm serious, Paris. Get the f*ck off of my lawn. This is getting old."
Still, I'm doing it. Quiet hatred is still hatred. Each time she climbed out of a car vagina first, or answered her phone during sex, or wept like a child in the back of a cop car, everyone cried "rehab!" but only for the shame it would bring her, no one actually wanted to see Paris Hilton get better. On the inside, the world was whispering a prayer that that someone would throw a stake through her face instead. House of Wax answered that prayer.
Actor-performer is a generous term for Steven Seagal, it feels more applicable to call him a pretend-Native-American-who-does-martial-arts-while-cameras-roll. He has acted in over 35 films and stubbornly refuses to get any better at it. Yet, even with his illustrious career making movies and his labored musical persuits, Steven Seagal still finds time for love. He made headlines this year when his assistant accused him keeping and abusing
"Damnit ape, you're on deadly ground."
What his death in Executive Decision lacks in blood or dying gasps, it makes up for in hilarious prematurity. He dies in the first half of the movie after getting sucked out of a jet midair. He doesn't get to roundhouse anyone or dole out any Native American wisdom; leaving him only with acting to justify his presence onscreen, something he presumably hates because he only does it while wincing. His death is particularly gratifying to watch given the back story of the film's production. Steven Seagal didn't want his character to die, concerned his fan(s) wouldn't like it. Eventually he was forced to do the scene as it was written with the studio threatening a breach of contract lawsuit. Knowing that his death was also a stab at his ego is its own special reward.
There's a scene in The Shining when Jack Nicholson kisses a beautiful naked woman in a bathroom before her body decays instantly and she becomes a bloated, festering corpse in his arms. I imagine that's how a lot of teenage boys felt about Tara Reid while using her as masturbation fodder in the late 90s.
You know, I think I'll just do my homework.
Not even meth can destroy a human body as quickly as Tara Reid has destroyed hers. Like a walking D.A.R.E. scare tactic, she is the end result of a life of over-stimulation, except she achieved it in only a few years. Her tireless dedication to impulse earned her the reality show Taradise for a year before audiences lost interest in watching a pie-wagon shaped drunk chicken fight in a pool over and over.
Since the end of her show, she slipped off the radar of intense celebrity hatred. Still, the appeal of watching her hacked to death by an axe still holds up after all this time.
When Jennifer Lopez dies in the first fifteen minutes of Jersey Girl I think audiences are supposed to feel something like sadness. But after years of hearing the tantrums and demands and general entitlement, it's hard not to relax in the few seconds of silence after her passing. Even better, her death isn't dealt by a killer but a tiny child.
In a bold stretch of artistic license, Jennifer Lopez opted to make her last second of consciousness look like maybe she's just as likely to sneeze as die. The fact that Ben Affleck is her husband in the movie only enhances the delight when you consider that he accidentally and indirectly is responsible for killing her. The only thing that could make this scene any more enjoyable is if the baby's umbilical cord unexpectedly wrapped itself around Ben Affleck's neck and choked him out.
Audiences never anticipated that they would see an American made movie set in the 1940s with a German hero. They also never anticipated that they would cheer when that hero was shot in front of a firing squad of Nazis at the end of the film. Valkyrie created a tremendous moral conflict for German moviegoers in particular because they were forced to choose which they hated more: Nazis, or Tom Cruise.
For a country that loves putting up with the nonsense from American stars, they draw a fat line in the sand when it comes to Scientology. Germany as a whole was unwilling to let Valkyrie shoot at the Bender Block where the actual Colonel Stauffenberg was killed, specifically because of Tom Cruise's involvement in the film and the thetan infecting his brain.
As begrudging as they were to see Tom Cruise portraying one of Germany's favorite heroes, they must have felt some gratification in knowing that history demanded he be executed by the end of the film.
Early on in his career, Dan Cook did a bit about the moments when the middle finger isn't enough of an insult, and how the middle combined with the ring finger could be a lot more effectual when the situation demanded it: The Super Finger. In other words, he took an idea created by someone else, already infused with a deep implications and significance, then altered it slightly into something more confusing before claiming it as his own. This seems like a nice analogy for Dane Cook's entire career.
5 minutes in the mirror, every morning.
All of his stadium appearances, merchandise sales and TV appearances are born on the backs of other comedians who were around long before he stumbled into popularity and gutted the soul from their jokes.
There are a lot of reasons to hate Dane Cook, so it's particularly enjoyable to see him murdered on screen. I would equate it to the joy you might feel thinking about an arena packed with people all giving Dane Cook the Super Finger and him mistaking it for praise.
"You can't fuck with the truth and I appreciate that you would indicate that to me with a flash of the [Super Finger]. If someone were to ask me what is so important to me about the SU-FI and how I relate to it, I'd have to say that whenever I see the SU-FI being displayed by people from all walks of life, and throughout the world it reminds me of just how lucky I am to have such amazing fans." -Dane Cook
The main benefit of watching TV is seeing the plight of sad bastards who aren't you.
Most people have a pretty basic idea of what it's like to be a parent.
There's no shortage of downright absurd conspiracy theories out there.
Given everything we know, there's cause to be worried about these movies.