I've shared my home with a number of excessively hairy creatures during my time on Earth (not including the "Sasquatch Night" roleplaying sessions my wife frequently demands), so I understand the concept of pet grooming. But what's hard for me to wrap my head around is when people take a basic concept (shaving a dog's extra fur off) and see an opportunity to unleash their "artistic sensibilities" upon a living, breathing creature in ways so absurd they'd make Salvador Dali immediately put in a panicky call to his therapist via lobster phone. But "Creative grooming" is an actual thing, with competitions and everything, and it's pretty clear that there are people out there who treat their hobby with deep and deadly seriousness.
As seen in this tasteful homage to the presidency of Martin Van Buren.
And I suppose this sort of thing is creative, technically, in the way that fashioning an eye-catching, glitter-heavy piece of cardboard to hold up during a WWE event is creative. But why even own a normal pet at all when you're spending so much time trying to make them something they're not? And saying "It's all in good fun" isn't going to cut it, because there's no way anyone can convince me that a healthy, well-adjusted dog is going to walk away from one of these competitions unscathed. Especially after you've dealt such a grievous blow to their self-esteem as making them up to look like ...
Taking a pair of clippers to make ol' Shep look like something a Minnesota dentist would shoot on safari seems to be a popular theme on the grooming circuit. From Chinese pandas to Arabian camels, it's apparently entirely possible to make your dog look like something straight from the pages of National Geographic. Or at least a back issue of Ranger Rick that was published during an illustrator strike.
No matter how many of these things are shaved to look like this,
it will never be possible to call them a "pride."
And the species you choose doesn't necessarily have to be exotic, as you can always go for something closer to home, like a horse. Who's wearing velour mittens for some reason.
The only burden this beast must carry is shame.
Or what appears to be a dog currently being coyly violated from the rear by said horse.
What do you suppose the dog thinks of the world when he makes eye contact
with something like that?
Speaking of which, there's apparently a deeply disturbing subgenre among the "nature-themed" presentations. And whether it's intentional or not, the result looks about as wholesome as an Eyes Wide Shut remake filmed during a taxidermy convention. What I mean is, for some reason groomers seem to love making their dogs look like the recipients of a vigorous butt-plundering -- by all sorts of various wild fauna, up to and including raccoons, wombats, scorpions, and sharks.
"I'm actually glad that when he promised he'd pull out,
he wasn't talking about the stinger."
Yeah, it's probably not intentional. I mean ... that's almost unthinkable, right? But could it be some kind of subconscious, Freudian thing? I realize that this sort of situation could happen organically, and maybe the groomer was just trying to incorporate the dog's tail into the mix. You know, disguising it to look like it belonged on whatever other creature they were trying to shave into existence. But how could they not realize the inherent perversion on display here? You can't tell me there wasn't at least one "oh shit" moment, when a 12-year-old in the crowd started laughing his ass off at the poodle taking it himself-style from an O-facing hammerhead, followed by an immediate dimming of the lights and some hotel manager abruptly announcing directions to the parking lot.
Yeah, I'm definitely going to need an explanation for that color choice on the tail there.
Sports aficionados are referred to as "fans," which many dictionaries claim is short for "fanatic," which in turn is a word that implies an element of insanity. Therefore, it's just a scientific fact that occasionally some maniac will take a pair of clippers (and, optionally, a bucket of food coloring) to alter their dog's appearance in accordance with his or her NCAA gridiron affiliations.
For accuracy's sake, once a dog has been spayed, she's no longer eligible
to represent the Crimson Tide.
Fans of pro sports are also known to show their pride at the expense of their pet's, despite the possibility that most leagues might be hesitant to provide "express written consent" to something as degrading as this. Then again, when you're talking about a team like the Chicago Cubs, the front office might be willing to do just about anything to take attention away from all the bat-corking and Bartman incidents.
Probably not the Bartman you were thinking of,
though plenty of folks had a cow over it.
And it's going to take something pretty attention-grabbing to make people forget that whole New England Patriots Deflategate affair. So what better way to show your contrition for the scandal than by publicly plastering your disgraced team's logo all over a dog that's sporting the withered testicular remnants of a recent neutering? And then by adding some flourishes to suggest an outfit that Tom Brady might wriggle into after dumping Gisele Bundchen to begin a life partnership with Bootsy Collins? Sure, it would be pretty humiliating in the short term, but Bob Kraft could show some sound business sense by going that route over the loss of draft picks.
The muzzle can represent an agreement by Mr. Kraft to at least try to stop
being so goddamn creepy.
Halloween actually seems like a pretty decent excuse to transmogrify your pets from sofa-monopolizing freeloaders into unspeakable terrors from the unholy abyss. Slapping a little paint on your great dane once a year actually seems like a pretty cool idea, just so long as he's, you know, reasonably into it.
But if you've made it this far into the article, you're already aware that there are certain people who are going to go overboard with the whole thing. And, yes, the final outcome may be horrifying, but probably not for the reasons the "artiste" intended. I mean, you have to think that for every dog that underwent 20 hours of being clippered-up to look like a zombie, there has to be at least a few hundred thousand starving children in the world who would happily eat the hell out of that dog in order to not have their bones showing through their skin.
Wait a minute ... this isn't like one of those "beef charts" that butchers use, is it?
Cats are in no way exempt from this type of malfeasance, as you can see from the image up top. And in addition to occasionally being on the spraying end of some semi-gloss in pursuit of the skeletonized look, felines can also fall victim to the over-exuberant groomer's blade. One popular recipe for making your kitty even more pissed off than normal is to hack its fur into an embarrassing dragon facsimile.
Little-known fact: Even after being declawed, some cats are able to regrow their claws
purely through the power of hate.
Of course, cats aren't the only ones getting the Barney/Smaug-lovechild treatment. Just as Rule 34 states, "If something exists, there is porn of it," there is also a rule that for every stupid idea that a bored suburban spinster can dream up, there is probably a dog with early stages of lead-based paint poisoning.
At least in this case the emerging cranial tumors seem to be enhancing the overall effect.
For many people who, for whatever reason, are unable to experience the joys of colic, LEGO-related foot wounds, and angsty teenage ingratitude, pets can serve as a substitute for children. And just as some parents enjoy dressing their toddlers up as Bourbon Street prostitutes to appear in beauty pageants, so too do dog owners sometimes primp and style their pampered pooches in the spirit of competition. And when those two factors come together, perhaps you might see someone transform their dog into a physical manifestation of their parental longings. I guess that's as good of an excuse as any for ridiculous bullshit like this:
Children's entertainment is a natural choice for the creative grooming set, I suppose, since any potential dognappers would obviously want to avoid catching the extra pedophilia charge. And there's always the option to further contribute to the delinquency of good taste by expanding into the tween genre by molding your canine's coat into the shell of a Ninja Turtle or the kind of bouffant typical of the Bouvier family.
"We didn't even have to train her to say d'oh. It's just something she learned
to do all on her own. Constantly."
And there are certain children's shows a groomer can pick that can actually transcend the genre and appeal to an even wider demographic. As we all know, just because a program is aimed specifically toward little girls 10 and under, that doesn't mean that a fully grown man can't experience the joys of masturbating inside a mascot costume to a cartoon unicorn's ass. This strategy might even give a groomer an edge on the competition, since it doesn't seem all that far-fetched to think that a dude like that might very well spend his weekends between conventions judging dogs that wear mascara.
They didn't even have to use dye for this. He's just that fucking embarrassed.
And for some truly confused interspecies sexuality, wait until you see the ones that get all gussied up to look like ...
I know what you're probably thinking, and just like you I thought I might be looking at some Photoshop trickery up there. Or maybe they were just dolls that some creepy person made in lieu of being prosecuted for viewing illegal pornography. But, in fact, at least as far as I can gather, those are actual, living (or whatever you call that) dogs. And the only editing involved was via a razor, in order to turn them into what can only be described as little girls. Or at least what young girls would look like should they happen to have been recently mauled by anime werewolves.
I suppose you could also describe it as, "If God truly exists, how too does this?"
A Korean woman named Mina Choi, codenamed "Joypia," seems to be the leading virtuoso in this specific field of indecency. She appears to be some sort of savant in the art of turning ankle-biting shiver-rats into the type of thing a federal-prison lifer might conjure up during art therapy, or maybe something off the "specialty" menu at a Japanese doll brothel. Her work is legendary among the other weirdos who don't find anything off-putting about any of this, and if you think I'm shitting you and that these are actually toys, then go to her Facebook page and watch a video of them moving around.
Just be sure to erase your browser history afterward, because who knows what sort of
incredibly specific watchlist you might find yourself on.
Joypia's genius has inspired others to follow in her footsteps (along the path of tarting-up underage canine jailbait), but hopefully the owners of these animals have the good sense to avoid dog parks during peak hours. At least if they don't want their little dog-trollops to incite such a scene of instinctual, frenzied humping that the fire department has to be brought in to physically pry the hounds apart from their droolingly enthusiastic daisy chain.
"Why does the neighbor's rottweiler keep barking out something that
sounds like 'dilf, dilf'?"
Imagine you were on the way to a Memorial Day monster truck rally, along with all your VFW buddies, when suddenly Toby Keith came on the radio. And right when Big Dog Daddy started singing about putting a foot in some terrorist ass, a bald eagle flew into the windshield just as the pickup you were riding in started backfiring out a seamless rendition of morning reveille. Well, you'd naturally be in the throes of a jingoistic fervor so intense that you'd need an outlet, and fast. And if the terms of your parole prevented you from deploying either explosives or ammunition to scratch that itch, maybe you'd just have to get it out of your system in the traditional manner of our proud nation's farmers -- by abusing sheep.
Wake up, sheeple!
That's right! There's no need to confine your patriotic ardor to just the canine species; there are plenty of other domesticated animals around to decorate like Lee Greenwood's underwear drawer. You could start with your wife's disgruntled tabby:
Take the celebration over to a nearby pasture and "Old Glorify" a neighbor's horse:
And wrap things up by teasing every last bit of French out of a poodle's fur until it resembles a noble bird of prey, so that it's finally worthy of the sacrifices made by our nation's veterans. And then, in the tradition of the can-do spirit of your ancestors, you'll make that eagle look like it's puking so much Old Glory down that dog's hind leg that every time it defiles a fire hydrant it will be like raising a salute to the founding fathers themselves.
I know she might just be caught up in all the excitement, but I'm pretty sure there's
an Army regulation about wearing shirts.
As recent events have shown, there can be a fine line between "heritage" and "grossly inappropriate." And even when you have the best of intentions, sometimes the geisha you've emblazoned on a sedated dog's haunch can inadvertently offend not just the citizens of Japan but pretty much anyone who can agree that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to position her so that she's staring directly into a panda's asshole.
When the dog has to scratch it looks like she's backstroking toward a dirty starfish.
And while you may not normally consider the ancient denizens of the Nile to be among the oppressed peoples of the world, it seems doubtful that Egyptians would look too kindly on some Midwestern hobbyist befouling the grandeur of the Great Sphinx Of Giza via county-fair dog-sculpting. It's also doubtful that they'd go through all the trouble of throwing curses around for something as minor as this, but still.
Humble yourself before the majesty of the lesser bichon frise of Des Moines.
Native Americans, however, are quite famous for their long history of getting the short end of the stick. And now they have to see the noble buffalo reduced to a crass, miniature version that even George Armstrong Custer's widow might find a bit overly passive-aggressive? One that, rather than roaming the vast plains in mighty herds, nibbles at its genitals constantly and panics at the sound of a vacuum cleaner? Well, at least the folks who made this presentation seem to have put a lot of work into the details, ensuring the "noble warrior" on the side there looks like he's crying harder than Iron Eyes Cody at a BP crisis management seminar.
In an act of further insensitive stereotyping, before the competition
they got the dog roaring drunk.
E. Reid Ross also slanders normal dogs who aren't painted up like Mardi Gras strumpets over at Man Cave Daily. Feel free to follow him on Twitter here.
We've documented the things people will do to their pets in the name of fashion before. Check out 6 Great Products For Making Your Pet Hate You to see why plastic surgery for your dog shouldn't be a thing. Then take a look at 5 Pet Products That Prove You're Too Lazy For A Pet and get yourself a device for detecting the mood of your dog. Apparently it extends beyond "rub my tummy."
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We will continue to see one of the most common (and lamest) storytelling tropes for a long time.
Businesses still have no idea how to market themselves to women.
We're moving toward an entirely delivery-based economy ... but there may be some people you WON'T want knowing your address.
How exactly do you get gigs like these?