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DickHats

Dick Hats

Don't let the name of the site fool you, this site sells hats for your dick. Your dick dick, the one that looks like a penis because it is a penis. Is yours hatless? Time to remedy that shit.

Dick hats are made of chocolate, because why not? The very first damn thing the website says is "ultimate prank that gets you laid." Can you even imagine? Can you go to the comments section right now and just posit some manner of even semi-rational chain of events that would lead to a prank involving a chocolate Viking helmet on your penis that then, somehow, causes you to have sexual relations? Will you do that for me? Because I got together the Cracked team over here and we put all kinds of weird shit on our dicks and no one had any sex at all except Soren Bowie, and I don't think that had anything to do with the hat.

For a mere $9.95 you can outfit your kit with a helmet or a cowboy hat that will not get you laid -- it will get you a man-yeast infection. Scroll down if you're not convinced and you'll see some letters from satisfied customers featuring lines like this: "I received the hat in the mail two days later and that night surprised my little lady with MY chocolate-headed-warrior." It doesn't matter if that's a fake letter or not, someone wrote it. It's out there now.

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Foreskin Man

Foreskinman

Foreskin Man wants to protect stray penis skin. This shit is so far out of hand, it's hard to decide where to begin. The idea behind the site is that there is a group of people, the website founder being one of them, who believe circumcision is unnecessary. That's cool, a lot of people feel that way. It's certainly an issue some people debate. But it's not the focus of this site.

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The Final Theory

Final Theory

This one's kind of a heavy read, so if you don't have a lot of science knowledge it may not make much sense to you. Fortunately the guy who wrote it didn't have a good understanding of science, either, so you're on some even footing even if you're not sure what everything means.

You'll notice right off that this guy is out to debunk all of science as we know it by joining forces with the Insane Clown Posse and questioning the very nature of magnets. After all, how the hell does a magnet stick to a fridge in direct defiance of gravity without some manner of power source or, at the very least, demonic possession? Don't you dare Google the answer, because while you're doing that, the author will be drowning Newton in a puddle of his own shame! All you need to know is that magnets are basically space magic and Newton was probably just a chimpanzee in a puffy shirt. Just because magnets as we understand them don't need a power source doesn't mean they shouldn't need a power source and are therefore devilry. Every time you arrange those magnets to spell stuff like "boobs" on your fridge, it's devilry. You're the devil. Hiss!!!

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Your mother does quadratics in hell! Suck me!

And hey, while you're figuring out why that magnet on your fridge hasn't opened a dimensional rift just yet, figure out why your coffee table hasn't exploded under the weight of your coffee table book. It's just a bunch of damn atoms after all, shouldn't that shit just spladow all over the universe? You're jamming kinetic force all over it! Don't you dare suggest that kinetic force only exists in moving things or you may as well finish that sentence by blowing Einstein because he made you his bitch, you non-science-understanding jagoff. Blergh glarp mmllp. That was the sound of you engaging in an Einstein-Blowie Throat Creamening, the most perverse move in mathematical porno.

This entire site is a teaser to convince you to buy the author's book, which essentially seeks to explain how all science that everyone knows right now is a lie, but he figured out the real deal and it involves explaining all of science's faults, like Newton's theories on gravity, and how you'd be an idiot to believe them. What's that? Modern science doesn't even ascribe to Newton's ideas of gravity, it's explained by general relativity? Shut up, you magnet humper, and get back to your voodoo. General relativity is a lie, too, because it's hard to understand! Magnets! Raar!

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Skull Graphicz

Skull Graphics

1

God Hates Fags

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Unlike the rest of the sites here, odds are you are at least aware that this one exists, as their name, God Hates Fags, is the call to action of the Westboro Baptist Church, and their favorite protest sign slogan when they decide to crash the funerals of dead heroes. Its inclusion on this list will be mostly a baffling experiment in plumbing the depths of what the hell the Westboro Baptist Church stands for, beyond looking at batshit insanity and laughing in a condescending way as they rocket on their insanocopter to a place so far beyond it that a bat's ass has never even been there yet.

As luck would have it, I actually interviewed a member of the church once, a real, legitimate interview with Margie Phelps. She cracked jokes and everything, it was like meeting Hitler and having him pull a quarter out from behind your ear before he explained the Final Solution. I have insight!

The Westboro website looks about as exciting as a 404 page, though it may actually contain 50 shades of gray, which is curious, don't you think? I didn't actually include any screencaps here because fuck those guys. Most prominent on the site is their picketing schedule, because you're going to want to know where the next organized hate event takes place. Scroll down and on the left side you'll notice a counter in the middle of a list of numbers. The counter is letting you know how many people went to hell since you visited the page. Previously only Bing had a counter like that.

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Sad kitty is sad because your intolerant website is a bag of smashed cocks.

The thing you need to understand about Westboro is something that the media has never understood -- you can't argue with them. You can't try to point out why they're wrong, you can't posit "What if this was your loved one?" scenarios, you can't rationalize with them because of two things -- they include themselves in their hate and they've accepted it. They think they're doomed, too. In their world, we're all going to hell. You don't need to join their church or protest funerals with them, they're just doing that to let you know you're doomed also. But they think we're all equally fucked, which is why they happily banter with Anderson Cooper -- because they couldn't really give less of a shit what he has to say, it means nothing to them. Here comes the but.

But they do care. At the end of the day, the fatal flaw of the Westboro Baptist Church's approach, and one they would never admit, is that they need you. They want you to read and see and hear them. They admit that they believe their mission is to do God's work by letting the damned know they're damned, but just look at their site. They believe that if you attack them, you're attacking God. They believe they are God's elect. They host parody songs, like hateful Weird Al Yankovics. They have a site called GodSmacks that lists what they consider to be examples of God putting people in their place. It's all very horribly arrogant, isn't it?

Arrogance is useless in a vacuum. You can't be right if no one is wrong. You can't win if there isn't a loser. And they can say we're all damned together, but they're the ones that knew it first. They don't admit to being winners or right or any of that, but that's so obviously what it's all for. So who is the website for? It's for themselves, and they're just telling themselves the same thing over and over again. No one who goes there is interested in really learning their point of view. It's like a sideshow, you go to stare. So the real audience is just the people writing it, cyber fapping their own bizarro Jesus CHUD dongs like OCD hamsters on a wheel of intolerance. So what's the point? Exactly.

Check out more from Ian in The 5 Most Horrifying Attempts to Teach Sex Ed to Children and 5 Awesome Things Monkeys Can Do (Better Than Most Humans).