Seanbaby
As I played through Red Dead Redemption, I learned a lot of things about the Old West. Irrelevant things since I shot them all, but one theme remained strangely constant as I played: The West hated women. I guess The West could just never forgive them for Mary Kate and Ashley's How the West Was Fun.
The female characters in Red Dead Redemption are only there to nag and complain before a passing murderer uses her as a knife storage. Every woman lies to you, and most of them try to kill you. It's the first Western based on a passive aggressive letter to some dick's ex-wife, and the only game where you can see an angry customer chase a hooker out of a saloon and you'll say, "Your strangler may have himself a point, dying lady."
Most people who die in the desert die of exposure, but that would be a shitty video game. That's why the makers of
In a freeform game this size, you're bound to get glitches. And when a game lets you do anything, it doesn't take long before you try something so awesome its computer brain can't comprehend it. You're constantly falling through the ground or
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I got scared when I tied a pleading woman to the train tracks, watched her turn into a cloud of chili and then realized that was a secret achievement. It felt like the game was saying, "Ha! I knew there was as much wrong with you as there is with me!" I suddenly got the feeling that
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One thing I noticed as I systematically eliminated women from the Old West was that no one really cared. In Red Dead, if you shoot a woman in front of witnesses, you only get a $5 bounty on your head and I think $4.79 of that is from noise complaints. Women are such third class citizens that you'll get more of a hassle out of someone if you kill his chicken than if you kill his wife. That's a bad example, though, because with
Most of this game is amazing. You'll have shootouts with everyone from hill people to the Mexican army and if you're more than 10 feet from town, there is always a cougar behind you. However, if you take a mission from a woman, you can forget about all that fun. When you talk to a guy, he wants you to get on a gatling gun and kill buffalo rapists. When you talk to a girl, she wants you to play a rhythm action game to feed her pigs. A woman's idea of a mission is a scenic wagon ride or driving her fussy cattle out to pasture, and she will be nagging at you the whole goddamn time.
John Wayne lied to us when he made driving cattle look cool. Cows are dumber as living animals than they are as Whoppers, and
Whatever fashionista designed the underwear in the Old West knew as much about style as a drag queen's size 16 high heels and as much about comfort as his dick tape. Every prostitute wears a thick, dust-catching diaper that goes from her neck to her knees, making them all look like bags of potting soil with cold sores. I have no doubt frontier prostitutes were a mess in 1911, but this is a game where bears attack in squadron formations of 30 and the cure for a bullet wound is beef jerky. Is hooker hygiene really where you want to make your stand for historical accuracy?
It is if you hate women.
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