6 Bizarre Ways Chinese Audiences Alter Movies You Watch

That's from a scene in Transformers: Age Of Extinction in which a fugitive Mark Wahlberg uses a hacked drone in dusty Texas to test out his ATM card...

Paramount Pictures/ China Constriction Bank

...from the China Construction Bank of Beijing. In the context of the plot, that means a range-walking Texas inventor has been inexplicably outsourcing his finances in order to buy abandoned semis and extra-large American flags. Meanwhile, his underage daughter engages in a creepy sexual relationship with a Texas statutory rape law spokesman who drinks Red Bull ... imported from China?

Paramount Pictures/ Red Bull
At least those bulls have an excuse for being red.

This makes ET's peanut butter candy addiction seem feasible. We've now entered an era of longing for when the overwhelming product placement at least made some sense in the context of the story. And if you think this was a fluke, consider the fact we're getting at least four fucking more of these movies because of how much stupid money they made ... over $200 million of which was in China. In other words, get ready for the Autobots to spend the whole next movie stuck in the shape of Chinese smart cars.

In fact, the success was enough for Michael Bay to launch a new company funded through a Chinese-run toy and animation group to start developing movies based around foreign brands. Which, on the bright side, means that we probably won't have to deal with Michael Bay in this country much longer.

Unlike the rest of the international market, US comedies account for only 10 percent of China's box office, making it less and less practical for Hollywood to invest in what is now their least-profitable genre. It's not that Chinese audiences don't like funny movies -- they like their funny movies and romantic films. But they only go for the broadest superhero and adventure films coming out of the US.

Case in point: When Guardians Of The Galaxy (sorry, Interplanetary Unusual Attacking Team) hit theaters, Chinese critics and viewers pummeled it with bad reviews, citing the poor translation of wordplay and culturally specific jokes. Because it's not merely the genre itself that's at risk here, but any injection of comedy that isn't 100 percent translatable overseas. Which means that the next time we see Peter Quill, he might be less about Footloose references and more about getting hit in the balls with a rake. After all, a fart joke is the same in every language.

This film made $300 million overseas.

Further hammering in the stake is China's deal with the US to allow 34 Hollywood-made films in per year, so long as those films are all IMAX and 3D productions. That means the biggest reward goes to the film that has the most shit flying at the screen. Just as long as that shit isn't a ghost, because China has all but exorcised their horror industry thanks to a fun little thing called censorship ...

China isn't filled with superstitious idiots, but the same way the sexually demented MPAA looms over American cinema, their country has its own forms of silly censorship dictated by seemingly outdated morality. The problem is that their dinosaur rules completely differ from America's dinosaur rules. And the combination of the two is creating a kind of super-antiquated beast that all movies must now do battle with.

Paramount Pictures
I'm guessing it looks something like this.

For example, when it came time to sorrowfully shit out the final script for Adam Sandler's Pixels, Sony preemptively scrubbed a scene in which the aliens break the Great Wall, in order to ensure the film would pass the Chinese censorship boards. Any scene that implies weakness or poverty in their country is censored, and any film that promotes civil disobedience or vigilantism against the police is said to be out of the question. And yet, we allow a movie to undermine the very concept of democracy by claiming that Kevin James could ever become president.

But back to the point. All this means that, along with the American tradition of sanitizing sex, violence, and bad language, movies are now going to blur out the concepts of rebellion and religion as well. This entirely new set of rules has prompted Hollywood to skip the guessing game altogether in favor of simply making their films co-productions with China. Which is how we got this exclusively international scene in Iron Man 3 which inexplicably follows A-list Chinese actors playing the random doctors who fix Tony Stark's heart.

The Avengers replaced Black Widow and Hawkeye with them, but no one noticed.

If it pisses you off that Iron Man 3 would grind to a halt and follow two totally out-of-context characters in order to pander to Chinese audiences, then you have more in common with Chinese audiences than you realize ...

And like in the US, these problems are making Chinese audiences goddamn sick of CGI-driven sequels and remakes. Box office sales of American-made films are dwindling due to a lack of variety compared to the more story-diverse films coming out of their own industry. However, thanks to the tone-deaf powers in charge on both sides of the pond, China continues to over-saturate with imported and co-produced IMAX/3D mega-films that are snuffing out the independent market, the same way it did in the US.

In other words, since poisoning their own falling box office sales in the US, Hollywood studios have moved on to exhaust Chinese audiences with expensive ticket sales and repetitive storylines. And the worst part is that the system is actually working great ...

And if you're wondering if there will be preferential treatment, two things: 1) duh, and 2) keep in mind that this was exactly the problem back in the '40s, when all the movie theaters were owned by the studios making the films. It got so bad that the government eventually had to crack down on them for violating antitrust laws, causing the theaters to sell off all their chains. But the problem doesn't stop there. As more and more American films are made to please China, more and more filmmakers and artists have said "Wait, why am I still dealing with these assclowns?" and started working directly with the Chinese studios.

Cinema Blend

LA Times
"This is a new start for me," Gibson said. "Hey, what's the most persecuted religious group here?"

Not only is it more efficient, but it makes good business sense, on account of American-made films only getting back 25 cents for every dollar it makes in China. By making their films co-productions with international offices, on the other hand, studios receive a way larger cut. This is why the next Kung Fu Panda is a joint production between Dreamworks in America and China, and being tailored to appease both cultures. They're going so far as to animate both the English and Chinese dubs of the characters' mouths.

But as we invest more and more into making our movies bilingual and internationally appealing, it gives China less and less of a reason to send money back our way. So while we're desperately tossing our movies at them, China's state-run studios are quietly preparing to globally compete with us ... because why the hell wouldn't they?

This euthanized crematorium made a motherfucking extra $300 million in China and other countries, making the possibility of a sequel suddenly very, very real. Same goes for the Need For Speed film, which bombed in the US, but did so well elsewhere that three different Chinese companies are funding the sequel. This is why lukewarm films like Ant-Man are suddenly being pushed to the front of the line for sequels. America alone no longer dictates what goes on in American cinema.

Don't believe me? Consider that at 97 percent, Mad Max: Fury Road is currently the highest-rated film on Rotten Tomatoes for 2015. It made its entire production budget back in the US box office, and was the #1 grossing Blu-ray release by a wide margin. There should be no question that Fury Road would get another installment. And yet George Miller has announced that he's in rocky negotiations with Warner Brothers over getting a sequel approved, citing the numerous struggles they went through to get the first film made. The fact is that, despite being the most tubular fucking thing to happen in 2015, Fury Road didn't make as much money as fucking Terminator Genisys, in large part because it didn't play in China -- presumably because the censors somehow found something to object to in it.

Warner Bros.
"Live, die, live again? Sounds like zombiism ..."

This is the harrowing disaster we live in. Even the most action-packed fiascos are on thin ice if they aren't morally sterilized and easily translatable. It would be easy to blame the Chinese for watching such crap, but think about America's relationship with kung-fu and giant monster flicks. No one wants to watch an aesthetically challenging foreign film that's dialogue-heavy or requires an iota of understanding of cultural context; we'd much rather eat each other's flaming dumpster pets instead.

David is available for birthday parties or company events to sit and yell about how movies suck now. Contact him on Twitter.

Be sure to check out 18 Baffling Tropes Hollywood Can't Stop Using and 6 Reasons Movies Suck (That Hollywood Hasn't Figured Out).

Subscribe to our YouTube channel and check out Why Hollywood Needs To Stop Making Teasers, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

Also, follow us on Facebook, because we know the best way to butter your popcorn.