In a human business, health and safety standards focus heavily on training, giving employees the knowledge they need to prevent dangerous situations from occurring. Monkey businesses, with their more reactionary mindset, don't handle training nearly as gracefully. A monkey fire drill is as likely to cause a fire as it is anything else. Consequently, monkey businesses are far more prone to mishap, calamity, and other turd-flinging disasters. Emergency situations are handled not by well-trained monkeys working with the proper equipment, but again, by shrieking and pulling things down off shelves. And sometimes, yes, an unusually tall and now pretty frightened monkey will find and distribute fire extinguishers to other monkeys, but as they lack the training to do anything but shoot these at another monkeys, this is rarely of much use (other than for physical comedy purposes, obviously).
"Put your paws up in the air!"
In a human business, poor operations, yard fires, and impromptu foam parties are often a sign of poor governance at the top. That's less the case in a monkey business, as even the most prudent of monkey executives will be unable to handle a workforce of monkeys. Because again, they're monkeys.
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"This was just a bad idea from the start."
In this particular case, it was unclear if any monkey at all was in charge, although the ones on the roof of the factory had the best vantage point (and the largest and firmest turds, which they helpfully rained down on passersby). When the authorities eventually arrived and sorted everything out, these senior monkeys displayed a surprising degree of corporate sophistication, refusing to answer any of the questions posed to them. Which was good, because a lot of those questions were pretty hard.
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Questions such as "Why?" and "In God's name, why?"
Unable to answer these questions myself, I fled into the night, as is my habit, and considered the experiment I'd just conducted. It seemed to me that monkey businesses have a number of problems, and that such problems were obvious in hindsight. But it also seemed to me that many of the worst mishaps -- the fire, the the fire response, and the placing dozens of monkeys in a warehouse in the first place -- were actually the result of my own actions. The startling conclusion, that humans were the monkeys all along, left me angry, frightened, and even a little feces-stained myself.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and an embarrassment to lots of people's ancestors. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
Another problem with monkey business is that monkeys love porn, so prepare yourself to supply them with ample monkey spanking material. See how we know in 5 Shocking Ways Monkeys Are Just As Dysfunctional As Us. And read about Felix Clay's own monkey companion in 4 Pros And Cons Of Having A Personal Helper Monkey.
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