6 Absurdly Pathetic Last-Ditch Protests Against Gay Marriage

If there's one thing a certain type of people will always hate, it's other people existing differently. The very idea that you or I are not the exact same person as them is just too much for their brains to handle -- and, by golly, they'll let you know about it. So it's no surprise that, as gay marriage continues to enjoy greater acceptance and legalization, the intolerant are scrambling to come up with ways to convince everyone that reversing history and going back to the 1950s would be the best course of action.

But, sometimes, their plans are so ridiculous that you almost have to admire their dedication to being terrible (as well as their abundance of free time). After all, bigots or not, it takes a special kind of soul to come up with s**t like ...

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6
Religious Group Hires Mexican Day-Laborers To Protest Pride Parade

via gawker.com

Probably one of the greatest problems we face today in America is being pissed off by the things other people do but not having the time to make them feel bad about it. How do you protest things when you have to go to work or you're tired or whatever? The Jewish Political Action Committee found a simple yet elegant solution to the problem of wanting to protest gayness but not wanting to protest gayness: hiring Mexican day-laborers to do it for them.

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Did I say "simple" and "elegant"? I meant "what" and "what?!"

via gawker.com
Sorry, "Que?!"

In an idea that absurdist sketch writers everywhere are kicking themselves for not thinking of first, the Mexican laborers were given Jewish disguises and paid to spread someone else's intolerance by protesting a pride parade. They wore fringed prayer garments and some even displayed fake payot, the long curls of hair growing from the sides of the head under the appropriately Jewish hats. If it hadn't been organized by actual Jewish people you could have safely assumed it was one of the most anti-Semitic things ever conceived.

James Estrin/The New York Times
It might still be; the part of my brain that can tell what's offensive self-destructed
after looking at these photos.

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So the Jexican fellows were protesting gay marriage under the reasoning that it's prohibited by Judaism, which (I'm taking a wild guess here) isn't their religion. Officially speaking, they peopled their protest with Mexican day-laborers to fill out the ranks of all the students who normally would have attended but had to be protected from what they would see at the gay pride parade -- you know, things like their heritage being turned into intolerant cosplay. We have to protect our kids from witnessing things like that.

Speaking of which ...

5
"Sounds Of Sodomy" Flyer Sets Imaginations Ablaze

twitter.com/stevenconlon

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We've all come home to find a slightly passive-aggressive "WATCH OUT, YOU MIGHT BE GOING TO HELL" leaflet judging us from under our front door, most likely depicting Jesus frolicking in a meadow with some happy children. While we do appreciate the concern, those things have been going to some dark places lately, man:

twitter.com/stevenconlon
"Yep, that's a dong going into a butt, all right. I'd know that sound anywhere."

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So, let's answer the question posed therein -- should those two tragically depressed little moppets be exposed to the sounds of sodomy? For those not aware, I can assure you the sounds are vaguely squishy with the odd grunt. And I'll be the first to say no. No, those kids should not experience that any more than they should experience mommy leaning against the washing machine too long, grandma talking about Asian drivers after her third martini, or the sound of the cat barfing up a hairball on the rug. Because kids don't need to hear all kinds of s**t, none of which has anything to do with gay marriage.

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This random flyer spread like syphilis across Ireland's Interwebs as the fear of gays having potatoes and then gay potato sex gripped the country, which was pondering the idea of legalizing same-sex marriage. Because, surely, once gays were legal, they'd just set up buttfucking booths right there in first-grade classrooms and the school board would replace all math textbooks with Ron Jeremy headshots (no, the other head). So beloved was this leaflet online that the hashtag #SoundsOfSodomy trended in Ireland, producing spoofs like this one:

twitter.com/_louisehynes
The Bridge Over Troubled Water cover works too.

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Who put these flyers out? No one ever claimed ownership, which shows a degree of restraint you wouldn't expect from someone dumb enough to ask the question on the leaflet in the first place. Ironically, depending on how many of these were handed out and how expensive bathroom supplies are in Ireland, it's highly likely that these things ended up becoming intimately familiar with the very same instrument of deviousness they were trying to warn us about: the dreaded butthole. Hang in there, kids.

4
The French Protest Gayness With Chickens, Interpretive Dance

twitter.com/LaManifPourTous

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When gay marriage rears its completely-irrelevant-to-your-life-if-you're-not-gay head in France, the intolerati among the world's snootiest people respond with just as much vigor and abject insanity as you might expect. Which is to say, their protests make so little sense you'd be forgiven for not realizing they have anything to do with gay marriage at all.

France legalized gay marriage back in May of 2013. So, in December of that year, when a rental truck pulled up to the steps of French Parliament, it was likely no one understood why 40 chickens were kicked out, some literally, before the truck sped off with police chasing it. Word is they had 450 chickens on hand, but they just wouldn't get out of the truck because they were too embarrassed to be associated with such an asinine plan.

twitter.com/LaManifPourTous
The organizers were left red-faced when two roosters happened to walk by
and started macking on each other.

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The chickens were a protest against gay marriage, in that way staring angrily at your computer is sometimes a protest against standing up, or eating a Hot Pocket is a protest against deforestation. Like, if you think it is, and you're the only one there, then maybe it is. In any event, the chickens had to be rounded up and no one got un-gay married as a result, so we can pretty much call this one a bust. But it wasn't the only trick the French had up their poofy sleeves, oh no:

vent danz/YouTube

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"What the unholy f**k are you making me watch?" is what you're saying to yourself right now and also the full rationale behind this intervention. Back in 2012 (so at least this was trying to stave off gay marriage instead of throwing poultry at it after the fact), a group of 250 Catholic traditionalists held a protest that included this butterfly man. His wings are labeled "mother" and "father," so you can see how he's balanced between them and can soar like a heterosexual lepidoptera toward whatever fragrant blossom he wishes to suckle nectar from. Yes, he is apparently the opposite of gay.

vent danz/YouTube
That is the sashay of a man who never lies awake at night thinking about Paul Rudd.

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3
A Totally Useless "Bigotry Map"

Google Maps

Do you worry a lot about "anti-Christian bigotry"? At the same time, do you find yourself hoping you'd have more targets to direct your own bigotry at? If you said yes to both questions without having an aneurysm, then boy, does the American Family Association have an all-encompassing solution for you. Behold, the "Anti-Christian bigotry map" ... of pro-gay organizations:

Google Maps
The ultimate resource for the self-awareness impaired homophobe.

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What kind of hateful monsters is the AFA trying to protect Christians from? Dirty atheists, untrustworthy humanists, evil anti-Christians, and, of course, devil-humping, Christ-defying gays. Just look at the sinister agenda of one of their targets, the Human Rights Campaign, who blatantly state right on their website that the organization "envisions an America where LGBT people are ensured of their basic equal rights, and can be open, honest, and safe at home, at work, and in the community." Sweet fancy fuckballs, we're doomed! I mean, the part about basic equal rights doesn't sound too terrible, but the next part where it says they will ensure those rights by forcing dicks down the throats of all good Christians and then exploding them with rainbow-colored TNT is just uncalled for. (If you didn't see that part, try re-reading the sentence again and again while slowly growing more hateful and myopic until it's all you can see.)

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As noble and non-hypocritical as this idea may be, it unfortunately looks like Gay Satan's well-manicured claws have been messing with the website, because the map doesn't work very well. The pin that's supposed to show us the Montana ACLU, for instance, actually depicts this insidious, Christian-hating highway underpass:

Google Maps
"BEGONE DEMON UNDERPASS TO THE 'HERSHEY HIGHWAY'!"

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Meanwhile, the AFA's Ghostbusters-esque equipment has apparently detected a dangerous pocket of raw gayness just outside this McDonald's in North Dakota:

Google Maps
Don't look straight into it, or you'll suddenly start thinking about Paul Rudd
and his perfect cheekbones, and dreamy smile, and ... *sigh*

As well as this atheism hot spot in the middle of a suburban Illinois neighborhood:

Google Maps
Rumored to be the exact spot where Richard Dawkins once witnessed
two dogs indulging in full 69.

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But other than those minor glitches, the map is a handy tool for knowing who to hate as they affect your life in no way whatsoever by offering assistance to people who aren't you in leading lives that don't interfere with your own. The bastards.

2
Texas Celebrated Their Gay Marriage Ban By Having Men Cut A Pink Cake

Texas Values

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Let's get in the Not-So-Way-Back machine and return to a simpler time: February, before the nationwide recognition of gay marriage. Sure, the rainbow celebrations were already on the horizon, and it seemed likely the whole country was going to have to get used to it, but some folks in Texas were not having that at all. To them, the future was unwritten and the past, well, that had gay marriage bans in it and those needed to be celebrated.

So a handful of legislators and like-minded anti-gay people got together to celebrate the 10th anniversary of Texas telling gay people they can't get married ... by having pink cake.

Texas Values
Due to a tragic mix-up at the bakery, everyone in this photo is now
legally gay-married to each other.

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The pink cake boss at this Hold The Hate Party was Jonathan Saenz, a sort of Texas state clown who is known for staunchly opposing any anti-discrimination laws and who, in completely unrelated news, was left by his wife for another woman. This man hates gayness as hilariously as J. Jonah Jameson hates Spider-Man, and for exactly as flimsy reasons. Can we get Chuck Lorre to produce a sitcom where Saenz moves into an apartment with French butterfly man and a sassy talking dog?

No? OK, back on topic: cakes.

Kelsey Jukam
Saenz, sensing something was off seconds before the male stripper jumped out.

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Is there irony in a room full of men cutting into the exact same type of pastry that might be served at a gay wedding to celebrate how un-gay everything in Texas is? Or publicly trying to make a party out of it before it gets taken away? There's something there -- a quiet desperation gracefully dancing in the moonlight with a complete lack of self-awareness, perhaps. Hope the cake was delicious, anyway.

1
Pastor Goes Full Goddamn Rambo

Joshua Feuerstein

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Former Pastor Joshua Feuerstein is as loud as he is misinformed about, gosh, just about everything, so it comes as no surprise that he's a big fan of Facebook. This bro turned messenger of God posted a video rant to his Facebook account encouraging fellow douche-nozzles to embrace their Second Amendment rights in support of their First Amendment right to not accept gay marriage.

Joshua Feuerstein
I'm just glad he found a hobby after Limp Bizkit dropped off the radar.

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Now, if you're up to date on your Amendments, you might be wondering what the First Amendment, that one dealing with free speech, has to do with acknowledging or accepting gay marriage. The answer is: nothing. What Pastor Dingus means is he wants you to be able to say hateful things in a relaxed and comfortable way, like God intended. Feuerstein explains that gay marriage is not about equality like most of us thought -- it's about opening a doorway straight to hell. Or maybe not straight to it, but one that goes there via a detour to where liberals and the hateful left can attack Christianity. Like all those times that's been happening since gay marriage was legalized, remember? All those times you saw that on the news?

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Anyway, that's when the video goes bonkers.

Joshua Feuerstein
That's not his camera becoming saturated: It's God stopping by
to say, "What the hell, dude?"

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The Pastor Of Disaster finishes his rant by pulling out a semi-automatic assault rifle and calling on his followers to invoke their Second Amendment rights before the non-gay-haters can further demonize Christians. And what better way to make yourself look sane and trustworthy than to pull out a gun? That's the key to engendering trust.

In an effort to drive his point home, Feuerstein also shares a handful of stories to support his opinion, like the one about the bakery that got fined $13,000 for refusing to make a gay cake (actually, they were fined for posting the couple's contact info online) and the one about the chapel whose owners are being forced to perform gay marriages (not even remotely true). Presumably, in his next video he'll tell us about that time Jesus said, "All who take the sword are great and cool, for swords are wicked and I love them, and all other weapons that may exist in the future, too." Or, you know, all those times he spoke out against homosexuality, quoted below:

sedmak/iStock/Getty Images
*shrug*

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See also A 30-Second Guide To How The Gay Marriage Ruling Affects You and 5 Reasons 'Traditional Marriage' Would Shock Your Ancestors.

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