5

Be Subtle About Your One-Upmanship

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Let's face it: Because you left Bumfuck Doodyville to go live in somewhere cool like Los Angeles or Whatever Cities Florida Has, people are going to expect you to be sorta cocky and condescending. So you have to subvert expectations by being cocky and condescending, obviously, but don't let them know that's what you're doing. For example, remember that since you've traveled so much and are now so worldly and awesome, you haven't caught up with those pointless old skills like "remembering when stores close" or "dealing with the weather."

Haha, no way that's a real picture.

How do you illustrate your superior incompetence? I'll give you an example.

"If we're going to hang out at home, we better buy some beer now," your friend Leroy says, checking his watch (He still wears a watch! How quaint!), "It's almost 8 O'clock."

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" You laugh, "HAHA! HAHAHAHA! HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Continue laughing, shaking violently in your seat like you're suffering a massive seizure. Laugh until your throat is raw and tears run from your bright red eyes like water from a broken faucet. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!!!!"

Wet your fucking pants with glee.

When everyone has shut up and all other conversation pieces are long forgotten, explain your delirium. "In the big city," you say, "we have all-night liquor stores!"

Wait through exactly 7.6 seconds of stunned silence.

Felicity sips her beer, while Sinead gives you that subdued glare she's known for.

4

Pay Your Respects At Shatterskull Peak

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It's brutally windy by the time you reach the edge of that cliff, the one you hadn't seen since that night in August of 2007. It's clear tonight, clearer than it has any right to be. The full moon stares down at you in unblinking judgement. Your long coat flaps in the wind like a tattered battle flag, and though you can see for miles, the whole world is pitch black. Leroy approaches from behind and squeezes your shoulder.

"You did what you had to do," he says.

"We all did," you answer, but you're not sure who you're trying to convince.

"I never thought you'd be back this shitty town. I thought you were gone forever."

You snap open your old Zippo, light a cigarette, and smile. But your smile has a tint of melancholy. You're complicated like that.

"The past isn't like an old pickup truck," you say. "You can't sell it on Craigslist for $1500 and move on. It follows you. It's like a little gremlin that sits on your desk, watching you work and shitting in your coffee. It's like, no matter how many times you freshen your cup, there's always gremlin shit in it."

"You always did have a way with words."

"Not enough," you say sadly. "Not enough."

"Not enough," you say a third time, and immediately wish you hadn't.

Sinead interrupts your reverie with an annoyed sigh.

3

Relive Old Times

You squint.

"Kevin?" you say. "You followed me here from the coffee shop?"

"No," Kevin says, smiling. "Kevin left town shortly after you did. I got reconstructive surgery -- Kevin and I had the same build, and I needed a new way to face the world."

Impossible. It can't be. It can't be. Before you can stop denying the truth before you, Sinead gives voice to your fears.

"Philbert?"

"Let me shed some light on this subject," Philbert says, flicking on a flashlight. Felicity's hand flies to her mouth, suppressing a scream. Sinead's eyes narrow, and her hand tightens into a fist. You groan.

"Goddammit," Leroy mutters. There's a crack of lightning to punctuate his curse, and it begins to rain.

"We killed you!" Felicity screams, "We fucking killed you!"

"Yeah, I was in a dark place, but I managed to dig myself out of it," Philbert says, grinning. Your reactions are redoubled. Felicity falls to her knees in agony. Sinead digs her fingers into her palm, and a drop of blood falls to the soft, damp earth. Leroy winces, and you grimace in disgust

"Jesus Fuck," you mutter, "Alright, yes, because we literally buried you in the ground. Clever."

"It is clever!" Philbert shouts. "Puns are hard!"

"Yeah but it's, like, the only joke you ever do," Leroy clarifies. "The only one. The only one ever."

"That's why we murdered you," Sinead growls, providing exposition.

"That punishment didn't really fit the crime," he snaps back. A few seconds tick by.

2

Make Sure He's Dead This Time

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In a panic, you and Leroy pounce on the grenade.

"Get it over the cliff!" you shout, but neither of you are any good at dealing with problems more complicated than your average game of Mario Kart, and you are both completely collapsing under the pressure of the current situation. You paw desperately at the deadly explosive, but only manage to bang your forehead against Leroy's and lose track, accidentally grabbing a small rock instead of the bomb that threatens all your lives. Sinead joins you and immediately slips on a patch of wet grass, knocking Leroy into your thigh, giving you a killer charlie horse. It's the dumbest thing that any of you have ever been a part of, but through sheer luck, you manage to kick the grenade onto the precipice.

"Mah salmushun!" Philbert screams, clutching the mass of shattered bone and oozing flesh that used to be his face. He lunges for the weapon but, being as utterly incompetent as everyone else at Shatterskull Peak, only manages to knock it over the edge.

"Mroooo!"

Mad with desperation, Philbert tries to grab the tumbling explosive, and his torso slips over the wet rock. Now he dangles by the last knuckles of his three outstretched fingers, his legs kicking over an inky black pit of nothingness. Behind him, the grenade explodes, illuminating the cruel scene like a lightning bolt from hell.

Sinead stands over him.

"Hurp Mlurr!" He gurgles.

"Get a grip," she says, and stomps on his hand. He screams as he falls, his body enveloped by the blackest shadow. Sinead turns to you, her eyes narrow slits. In impatient response, Leroy rubs his eyes, pinching his nose to ward off a headache.

"'A grip?'" He asks. "Seriously?"

1

Make Solid Plans to Return

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Look, it's tough to keep up with your friends. I know that as well as you. But it's important, because it's rare to meet someone who can either anticipate or put up with your shit. Friendships need maintenance, but the best ones never feel like it. Some friends can go years without talking and then pick up where they left off like it ain't no thing. If you've got a friend like that, it doesn't hurt to give them a call and ask them about their cat -- but that's not the point.

At the end of the day, the best way to show you're successful in life and the best way to keep friendships alive is the same thing, and it's as simple as being there for people you care about when they need you. If you can do that just once, then you're one of the best there is. And it's worth the effort, because you never know when you're going to find yourself standing on the edge of your own Shatterskull Peak, desperately trying to kick one of life's little grenades into a mythic, black void. After an experience like that, even if you're not as cool as you always hoped you'd become, you can still grab a beer. Just like old times. Only better.

JF Sargent wouldn't have survived this last week without his friends, but now he wrote a story for them so they're all even. He's also an Editor and Columnist for Cracked with a new article here every Tuesday. Follow him on Twitter or Facebook

For more from Sarge, check out 5 Women Cut from Pop Culture History for Being Too Important and 5 Ways Video Game Addiction is Ruining Gaming.

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