The most common piece of advice I received from beginner parents is that cash and gift cards aren't an insulting present. They're diapers. They're mountains and mountains of diapers, they're a glorious relief supply of diapers, they're a cavalry charge of diapers against the endless hordes of stinking expense. It might seem unoriginal, but so is the idea of babies shitting. That doesn't change it from happening. It's just something they have to deal with. That cute onesie would have been for you, not for them, and it adds the unspoken requirement that they put on a little toddler fashion show at a time when the limit of their clothing ability is "not currently covered in excrement."
Quick, how many of your non-sexual-relationship friends do you regularly grope? Multiply that by "how cool is it to molest something they're trying to protect?" and "how much do people want to be felt up when their body already feels weird?" If your answer is anything other than zero, please start wearing oven mitts and a tracking collar.
"My lawyers now advise me to preemptively offer cash settlements and hope for the best."
A pregnancy is a combination human cloning lab, experimental chemical factory, parasitic organism, and several other things movies have taught us never to mess with. Which doesn't stop people from seeing it as a giant red button marked "Touch Here for Free Legal Drugs!" (Which is technically true, with the endorphins and all.) This one applies even more to strangers than to friends. Something about a pregnant bump tells total strangers that they can do what they want, no matter the desires of the pregnant person, and that really shouldn't still be such a topical joke.
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"Just wondering how many votes this is worth."
It is terrifying that people still have to be told this: Don't touch strangers without permission. And getting permission doesn't mean lurching forward like you're about to feast on their fresh stem cells, hovering your hand a millimeter over their bump, then asking "Do you mind?" as if the other living being was a mere formality. That's awkward as all kinds of hell, and many sleep-deprived souls are likely to say sure just to avoid the hassle of seeming weird. Weird for refusing you access to their flesh. Yes, that does sound creepy when you say it out loud.
You want to touch the magical pregnant woman? Offer a foot massage! I swear you'll give that woman more pleasure than anyone else alive, including the one who helped with the conception. If you think rubbing a stranger's feet would be weird and awkward, well done! It's actually worse over the rest of the body.
Of course, many people are happy to share this most amazing of events with their friends. But that is their decision, and their choice to offer. This really cannot be reinforced enough. This is the one thing more pregnant women have told me than anything else, which makes me sound bad, but it's an important lesson: Don't grope pregnant strangers.
Instead, teach them The Oven Mitt Grip, how to counter The Rising Phoenix Prevents Rival Siblings, and how to engage in long-term judo revenge on their own children with "Self-Defense Against Babies."
Luke also works out The Focal Length of Whiskey and presents Lesser-Known Ancient Prophecies.
Cracked can also help defend against children with 4 Pregnancy Souvenirs That Will Put You Off Kids Forever and 6 Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Childbirth.
Luke has a website, tumbles, and responds to every single tweet.