There are thousands of guides for the newly pregnant, but most guides for people whose friends have been infested with a growing organism just tell them to run and open the airlock. And are misfiled in the "horror" section. Which is why I've collected advice from parents (aka "point-blank pregnancy survivors") on how you can best help the future of the human race.

But, like anyone biologically enslaved to serve the whims of a new lifeform, many want to rebel and escape. When visiting pregnant friends, you don't have to parse everything in terms of the baby. Trust me, if there's anything they want to tell you, they will absolutely tell you. Filling up with things to unleash upon the world is their entire deal right now.

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"I'm thinking Daenerys Boudicca Hannibal."

They're not in prison, but they are sort of biologically being a prison, and the mindset leaks across. Possibly because growing an ever-expanding new person specifically to stomp and headbutt your bladder beats the hell out of ankle bracelets in terms of enforcing house arrest. And leaking. They're undergoing an inverted Chinese water torture where the constant small drops of water are coming out of instead of landing on them. As a friend of someone in prison, it's your job to help them remember the outside world.

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"When you see only one set of footprints, that's when I was pissing in the sea."

Most importantly, don't make jokes about their life being over. Christina already talked about this. It's nonsensical and insulting, and even if it were true that would make saying so even worse. You sincerely believe they're about to be enslaved by a squalling shit factory, and you're laughing in their faces about it? What kind of asshole are you?

You don't get hammered as much around them, because they no longer need your services as someone who slurs their words and throws up. They're getting somebody new to do that in-house. You don't complain to them as much, because your everyday problems really do seem small when you realize the only asshole you have to look after is your own. It's important to use this period of enhanced intelligence to maintain good relations with your friends. After all, they're working toward outnumbering you. Keeping them sweet is just good tactical sense.

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Keep a hose handy for when the baby reaches Sun Tzu's chapter on fire.

They're about to welcome someone infinitely interesting into their lives, so if you ever want to see them again you'll have to install good memories right now. A newborn is the Emperor's New Personality: to any bystander it's just pink flesh and nothing else at all, but to the parents that child is more interesting than Stephens Fry and Colbert asking the Egyptian God of Knowledge about the meaning of life.

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"Actually, that's me as well, according to my parents."

As a friend, you can bring meals, food, and snacks as little gifts. Don't make it sound like a favor. Asking if you can bring food over is an offer they will feel bound to politely decline. Make it more like: "I'm already on the way over and I happened to save some Korean chefs from rogue Hwarang warriors. They're insisting on giving me my weight in barbecue as a matter of death-honor. Can you help me finish it so they don't take offense and render me down into replacement ribs?"

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"One way or another, my debt to you is being paid through this pan."

The simple fact is that congratulations have never been as good as food.

The most common piece of advice I received from beginner parents is that cash and gift cards aren't an insulting present. They're diapers. They're mountains and mountains of diapers, they're a glorious relief supply of diapers, they're a cavalry charge of diapers against the endless hordes of stinking expense. It might seem unoriginal, but so is the idea of babies shitting. That doesn't change it from happening. It's just something they have to deal with. That cute onesie would have been for you, not for them, and it adds the unspoken requirement that they put on a little toddler fashion show at a time when the limit of their clothing ability is "not currently covered in excrement."

A pregnancy is a combination human cloning lab, experimental chemical factory, parasitic organism, and several other things movies have taught us never to mess with. Which doesn't stop people from seeing it as a giant red button marked "Touch Here for Free Legal Drugs!" (Which is technically true, with the endorphins and all.) This one applies even more to strangers than to friends. Something about a pregnant bump tells total strangers that they can do what they want, no matter the desires of the pregnant person, and that really shouldn't still be such a topical joke.

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"Just wondering how many votes this is worth."

It is terrifying that people still have to be told this: Don't touch strangers without permission. And getting permission doesn't mean lurching forward like you're about to feast on their fresh stem cells, hovering your hand a millimeter over their bump, then asking "Do you mind?" as if the other living being was a mere formality. That's awkward as all kinds of hell, and many sleep-deprived souls are likely to say sure just to avoid the hassle of seeming weird. Weird for refusing you access to their flesh. Yes, that does sound creepy when you say it out loud.

You want to touch the magical pregnant woman? Offer a foot massage! I swear you'll give that woman more pleasure than anyone else alive, including the one who helped with the conception. If you think rubbing a stranger's feet would be weird and awkward, well done! It's actually worse over the rest of the body.

Of course, many people are happy to share this most amazing of events with their friends. But that is their decision, and their choice to offer. This really cannot be reinforced enough. This is the one thing more pregnant women have told me than anything else, which makes me sound bad, but it's an important lesson: Don't grope pregnant strangers.

Instead, teach them The Oven Mitt Grip, how to counter The Rising Phoenix Prevents Rival Siblings, and how to engage in long-term judo revenge on their own children with "Self-Defense Against Babies."

Luke also works out The Focal Length of Whiskey and presents Lesser-Known Ancient Prophecies.

Cracked can also help defend against children with 4 Pregnancy Souvenirs That Will Put You Off Kids Forever and 6 Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Childbirth.

Luke has a website, tumbles, and responds to every single tweet.