6 Tips for Becoming the Worst Waiter in the World

Hi there, welcome to Chads'! My name's Chad, and I'll be your waiter. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, my name isn't actually Chad. It's part of our whole thing. Is this your first time dining at Chads'? It is? Terrific.

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"Do you mind if I sit down?"

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-sits down at table-

We do things a little differently here at Chads'. Allow me to explain. In 2012, the owner, Chad, following a lifelong dream to own something named after him, opened the doors of this restaurant. Within a few quick months it became famous for being the eighth-best restaurant on the East Side. That tradition of excellence continues to this day.

I agree. It sounds more impressive in the ads.

Anyway, in 2013, Chad went to prison for various misdeeds unrelated to this excellent establishment. When he emerged 18 months later, he had a new outlook on life and a whole bunch of new friends. From that point on, Chads' became a contemporary American dining experience slash halfway house for ex-convicts. To protect the anonymity of our employees, and to make things more -does air quotes- "fun," everyone who works here is now called Chad. That's right! That's why they moved the apostrophe.

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Myself? No ma'am, never convicted. Indicted on eight charges over two separate occasions, but nothing stuck. Thank you! However, I remain extensively unemployable because of a bunch of issues that are -does air quotes- "neither here nor there," so this is the only job I can get. Nothing violent, I can assure you! Ha ha ha ha ha! Terrific.

Also, I should introduce you to this surly young man looking over us. This is Chad. He's new here and will be job-shadowing me. Great kid, good head on his shoulders, maybe put your cellphones in a pocket or bag or something? Terrific. Terrific!

Now then, can I start you off with some drinks or appies?

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Is Pepsi OK? I know, I know. It's never OK.

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"Pepsi? Why don't you just spit in my hair?"

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OK, I'll get these started for you right away and come back to take your order.

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-stands up from table, leaves-

-returns with drinks a few minutes later-

-sits down at table-

So what would you like to eat? OK, great choice, but I would not get that. Why? OK, first, are you guys cops? No? Terrific! So, the Chad we have on the grill today isn't super careful about basic hygiene. He says it's a religious thing, but he won't tell us what religion. Anyway, I would strongly suggest getting something fried. That oil we use is, like, hundreds of degrees. Very hot, very cleansing, and Chad's got to use tongs when taking stuff out of there.

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No, I don't mind.

Oh, you were implying that you mind. Of course.

-stands up from table-

Terrific. OK, so the fish and chips for the mister. And the ... chicken tenders for you. OK, that's the kids menu you're pointing at there. Are you ... you know that. You know what that means? Your friend told you about them? And you have the eight-ninety-nine with you? OK. Cool. Cool. I'll uh, I'll get that started for you. With blue cheese dipping sauce? Right. Right. We ... I can get that.

Come on, Chad. Let's put in this order.

-walks away-

-returns seconds later-

OK, so the chicken tenders. Like ... how big were you thinking? You're not that hungry? So ... small? OK, we can do that. And, uh, white meat? Of course they're white meat. I don't know why I asked. I'll go get those started.

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-walks away-

-returns minutes later-

So I see Chad got the fish and chips back out to you. How's that tasting? Good, right? I told you my man, fried to hell, won't feel unwell. And you, madam? Of course the chicken tenders are still coming. Order's in. You understand we can't -does air quotes- "keep those on hand." Is there anything else? Chad tried to sell you some cocaine when he brought out the food? So he's probably not waiter material, then.

No, I understand this isn't funny. But you did ask for coke, didn't you? Is Pepsi OK? Ha ha ha ha ha, just a little waiter joke. OK, no, I'll make sure Chad and the other Chads don't try to sell you any more drugs.

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-walks away-

-returns minutes later with plate of chicken tenders-

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Nicely done, Chad.

Good news, ma'am! -sets down plate- I'll be right back with the rest.

-walks away-

-returns seconds later with 2-year-old boy-

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And look what I have here! -sets down 2-year-old boy in high chair- You can call him Pepsi for now, but feel free to rename him when you get home. Oh, and there's this. -sets down small cup of blue cheese dipping sauce- Everything good here? Now, I don't normally serve this, uh, dish, so I'm just going to talk with Chad and Chad about the payment details.

-walks away-

-returns a minute later-

OK, so the Chads are saying they technically needed to count the $899 first, so I'm just going to ... wait. Why is Pepsi crying? Is Pepsi OK?

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Pepsi is never OK.

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Well, you specifically pointed at the chicken tenders, and you winked at me, and you told me your friend told you about them.

You did too wink! Don't lie to me. Don't set a bad example in front of Pepsi. This is how he learns.

Well, he's pretty white. I would say a quarter at least. Incidentally, sir, how's your Pepsi doing? Can I top that up for you?

No, your actual Pepsi.

No, I don't think this is funny.

For a couple of people who specifically said you aren't cops, you guys know an awful lot about the law.

Oh, go ahead and call the cops. You're the ones that ordered something without being able to pay for it.

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No, that was an excellent bluff. I ... dammit.

THEY'RE CALLING THE COPS, GUYS.

-like 12 Chads come sprinting out of the back and leave through the front doors-

Anyway, sensing you were about done here, I took the liberty of preparing your bill. For parties of two or more, there is an automatic 28 percent gratuity attached, so ... no need to tip.

No, I think you should feel ashamed of yourself. Honestly, you should feel lucky I was your waiter. If you'd been sitting in Chad's section, this would be a hostage situation by now.

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"IS PEPSI OK?"

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All right! Bye! Thanks for coming in to Chads'! We're on Yelp, so ... don't go on Yelp.

Well, looks like we scared away another one, Pepsi. Come on. Let's go get you a Coke.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your best friend. His first novel, Severance, is incredible. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

For more from Bucholz, check out Greatest Customer Feedback Ever Sent to McDonald's and 5 Unimportant Things With Giant Armies of Crazy Advocates


The Earth is icing over and no one knows how to shut the Shade off in Chris Bucholz's sci-fi dystopia Freeze/Thaw!

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