Also, I should introduce you to this surly young man looking over us. This is Chad. He's new here and will be job-shadowing me. Great kid, good head on his shoulders, maybe put your cellphones in a pocket or bag or something? Terrific. Terrific!
Now then, can I start you off with some drinks or appies?
Is Pepsi OK? I know, I know. It's never OK.
Scott Griessel/iStock/Getty Images
"Pepsi? Why don't you just spit in my hair?"
OK, I'll get these started for you right away and come back to take your order.
-stands up from table, leaves-
-returns with drinks a few minutes later-
-sits down at table-
So what would you like to eat? OK, great choice, but I would not get that. Why? OK, first, are you guys cops? No? Terrific! So, the Chad we have on the grill today isn't super careful about basic hygiene. He says it's a religious thing, but he won't tell us what religion. Anyway, I would strongly suggest getting something fried. That oil we use is, like, hundreds of degrees. Very hot, very cleansing, and Chad's got to use tongs when taking stuff out of there.
No, I don't mind.
Oh, you were implying that you mind. Of course.
-stands up from table-
Terrific. OK, so the fish and chips for the mister. And the ... chicken tenders for you. OK, that's the kids menu you're pointing at there. Are you ... you know that. You know what that means? Your friend told you about them? And you have the eight-ninety-nine with you? OK. Cool. Cool. I'll uh, I'll get that started for you. With blue cheese dipping sauce? Right. Right. We ... I can get that.
Come on, Chad. Let's put in this order.
-returns seconds later-
OK, so the chicken tenders. Like ... how big were you thinking? You're not that hungry? So ... small? OK, we can do that. And, uh, white meat? Of course they're white meat. I don't know why I asked. I'll go get those started.
-returns minutes later-
So I see Chad got the fish and chips back out to you. How's that tasting? Good, right? I told you my man, fried to hell, won't feel unwell. And you, madam? Of course the chicken tenders are still coming. Order's in. You understand we can't -does air quotes- "keep those on hand." Is there anything else? Chad tried to sell you some cocaine when he brought out the food? So he's probably not waiter material, then.