5

Old People With Shoes But No Socks

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In truth, I'm not sure this one actually belongs on the list because it might be understandably sad, but I'm including it anyway, and not just because the last time I handed in a list with only five entries, Jack O'Brien flashed those hurt Jared Leto puppy dog eyes that broke my heart.

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"Hey, buddy. You don't want to make me sad, do you?"

I'm including it because you've probably seen sockless, shoe-wearing geriatrics many times in your life and not thought much of it. Hey, they're the greatest generation. If they want to rock their shoes sans sock, so be it! But here's the sad truth behind this phenomenon. Y'see, it's a lot easier to slip on Velcro Payless loafers than bend over and put on some socks. Or to pull your foot up to your thigh. But it would be easy to do if you had some help. Yep. Every time you see an elderly person without socks, you know you're witnessing someone on the road to dying alone.

4

Someone Remaking Your Joke

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This one's a little difficult to explain. It's sort of like when people are stupid enough to answer a rhetorical question, but somehow far worse. It actually happens to me on Twitter a lot, and it always bums me out. I make a joke and then one of my followers replies, making the same joke while thinking they're adding to it. Now, I'm not going to give any examples from my account, because I think anyone who follows me on Twitter is the smartest and sexiest person alive and undeserving of such ridicule. Also, I don't have the patience to scroll through all my nonsense. So instead, I'll use Photoshop to create the illusion that Adam Tod Brown is not funny because, seriously, screw that guy.

I'll tweet:

And Adam will reply:

Or let's say I tweet:

And then comes the reply:

3

Dave Mustaine

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For those who don't know, Dave Mustaine was the original lead guitarist of Metallica and then the frontman of his own successful heavy metal band Megadeth. By all accounts, he is an incredibly lucky man. Why? Well, he's been affiliated with two of the most successful metal bands of all time despite being a lackluster talent. He should just be happy all the time. It would be like if U2 kicked out bassist Adam Clayton for sucking and Adam somehow went on to front a band that had some hits and successful tours.

But is Dave Mustaine happy? No. He's the whiniest of all little bitches. First, I was willing to give him some slack. Even if you think Metallica's a great band, it's pretty clear that James Hetfield and especially Lars Ulrich are absolutely insufferable douchebags, and it seems they fired Dave in a typically douchebaggy way (even if some believe that Kirk Hammett is a more technically proficient guitarist). But then I saw this:

Instead of saying "Hey, you said I was a no good drunk, and I made a successful career without you!" he's still crying. How can you live with yourself knowing you let a Danish fuckpuppet like Lars make you sad? Clearly, that's a man with a deep feeling of inadequacy. A giant hole to fill. First he filled it with booze, and now it seems he's filled it with Jesus. How much Jesus? He's officially endorsed Rick Santorum for president. Right now scientists and 14-year-old girls are working around the clock to invent a new emoticon for how sad that is.

2

Ice Cream Cone Malfunction

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1

The Old Guy in the Office Who Wants to Start a Band

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I spent most of my teens and early 20s playing in bands. I've spent most of my adult life working in offices. You'll notice I put a period between those two sentences. That's because they have nothing to do with each other. Currently, I work with one of my best friends, and he is the greatest bass player with whom I've ever had the pleasure to jam. Know how many bands we've started? Zero. Zero bands. And that's because there is nothing sadder than being the old guy in the office who wants to start a band. The guy who daydreams about hitting it big and quitting could elicit tears from a newlywed on his wedding night who's just learned that his wife is loaded and into three-ways with her shapely Scandinavian friend.

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"That's great news, honey, but still ... I'm cold. Soooo cold."

This guy's concept of a rock star doesn't even exist anymore. Rightly or wrongly, the Net has destroyed the business of selling records, and touring is more important than ever in becoming financially viable. Yet this guy thinks he can play his '80s Casio keyboard, grab the chick at reception as a singer, add the new guy on guitar, convince the black dude down the hall to play bass and boom, record an album that will make him an overnight millionaire. That's sadder than someone who wastes all his limited pay on lottery tickets ... probably because you can be a middle-aged, fat, bald guy and still win the lottery.

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Check out more from Gladstone in Cracked.com Writes A Movie! and A Practical Guide To Sexting (For Men Over 30).