5

Dealing With the Dealer

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You need to treat the first few moments at a dealership like an old-timey mobster being interrogated by the coppers: You don't say nothin' about nothin'. Financing? What's that? Trade-ins? Ha, what a hilarious portmanteau of gibberish! Price range? I don't even speak English.

The first step is just and only to find the car you want, go over it carefully, take stock of any work that needs doing, and barter out the final price. Only when that's all settled do you talk about trading in something. Why would you discuss trade-ins right up front if you haven't even found a car you like? You're not even sure you're shopping there yet. The grocery store doesn't pull you aside when you walk in the doors and ask how much you're planning to spend today. So why do dealerships always want to know your price, payment and trades first? Because it gives them leverage against you: "Oh, well, if we're going to do you a favor and take this trade-in off your hands, you have to buy one of these pre-selected vehicles." Or, "Oh, you're financing? Those aren't our finance cars. Our finance cars are all dull red Kias; let's go out back and take a look."

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"Ignore the disembodied voices telling you to flee. That's a ... feature. Ghost-voicing. Costs extra."

4

Vehicle Inspection

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There are a few basic things you can check, even if you know nothing about cars. First thing you want to do is get right up close against the side of the front fender. (This should also serve to draw out any potential sentient-car crime-fighting partners, as they cannot resist wisecracking and will likely say something cute like, "Geez, buy me dinner first." If so, then you're done: It's all cowhide coverings and curly hair for the rest of your days.) If there's little to no rapport between you and the vehicle at this point, just sight down the trim lines to make sure they're straight with no fluctuations -- offset doors, fenders, and uneven lines could indicate frame damage. Look around the engine bay at the spots where the metal struts come together -- the joints should be straight, with no signs of recent welding. Take a look underneath the car and watch for rust on the rails, in the wheel wells, or basically anywhere else. Be afraid of rust. Rust is the mind-killer. You'll think you can take rust -- it's just some pansy little oxidation, right? But you can't. Rust is better than you. Rust will laugh at your feeble angle grinders; it will spit at your steel wool and mock your puny acids. Rust will shrug off all your mightiest efforts and then, when you are broken, it will take your woman in a way that you never could.

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"F ... from behind? I don't know, man; I'm just a chemical process."

3

Flip the Table on Them Bitches

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2

The Test Drive

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First of all: If in doubt, ramp it.

Ramping is the ultimate test of a vehicle, from its ability to accelerate, to the integrity of its suspension, to its indefinable aura of testicular fortitude. You don't want a vehicle that pusses out when it really counts, like some prissy little Jetta, do you? If they won't let you ramp anything, at least take it on the highway. And don't be gentle: A used car isn't spouse material just yet. It's a hot piece of ass at the bar; don't be afraid to give it to 'em rough and weird, because you're probably never going to see each other again. Accelerate hard, corner sharply and brake quickly. Make sure it's not shaking all over the place at high speed -- that could signal a bad alignment, control arms, bushings, tie rods -- or a bunch of other silly words that can cost you hundreds of dollars. If the pedal feels spongy while braking hard, that could mean bleeding again. If it's stiff and unyielding, it might be a bad brake booster. If the pedal shudders beneath your foot, it could need new rotors. It doesn't matter if you know or understand those words right now -- just throw them at the dealer like lawn darts at your little brother. If you still want the car despite the issues, at least it gives you ammo to drop the price later.

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"Oooh, this has keys? That's no good. Let's knock a few hundred off ..."

1

Heading Home

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After you've done your due diligence, cussed and punched your way through a few dealerships, combed Craigslist and found it to be full of potential rapists, and attempted to appraise the integrity of every single system in a giant, complicated machine that you've probably never seen before -- you're finally ready.

You're ready to go home.

Oh, not with a quality used vehicle -- nobody promised you that. If you're smart, and you've followed this guide to the letter, you've just realized that every single vehicle for sale is an utter piece of garbage; overpriced and fundamentally broken, guarded by a zealous tribe of conmen who would rather chop off their own junk than come within spitting distance of a blue book. No, the only intelligent thing to do now is to leave with your dignity intact. Don't forget to turn dramatically at the exit and promise that they'll rue something -- almost anything will do: "The moment you met me," "the decision to cross me," or even just the boilerplate "this day" are all fine, as long as they know they'll be ruing something. Don't worry; it's all part of the dance.

It just gives them something to remember you by, because you'll be back here doing this again the next time somebody gropes you on the bus.

Buy Robert's stunning, transcendental, orgasmic science fiction novel, Rx: A Tale of Electronegativity, right here. Or buy Robert's other (pretty OK) book, Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead. Follow him on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook.