5

Clayface

Monogamy not your strong suit? Give Clayface a try. Why settle for just one man when you could be with a lump of sentient mud that can shape-shift into any man? Hell, why settle for a man when you could have a griffin with Hulk hands and the face of Ryan Gosling? No judgment. If you think I'm crazy with this one, please note that Poison Ivy saw the potential here and she put a ring on it. Poison. Ivy.

DC Comics
A tale as old as time, A love that's mostly slime, Clayface and Ivy

Have you ever wondered what Paul Ryan would look like with Kim Kardashians awesome badonk? Now you can find out! Not for sex reasons, just to laugh. You might feel obligated to date Batman instead because he's always so sad and you think you can fix him, and he does have that super-square jaw that makes you say yas! But why take that one chiseled mandible forever when you could have Freddie Mercury with ... I'm sorry. Just Freddie Mercury.

The Downside Is:

Clayface has done some pretty terrible things in his past, like pursing an acting career. Luckily, he's now in the much more stable profession of crime, so I'm willing to look past that. But is he still all about that drama?

I can just see him shape-shifting into your cousin Janice and dropping by to dish about your new boyfriend. Then when you say "I just wish he hadn't eaten all of my pizza bagels. It was a full double box. That's, like, 18 pizza bagels," he reveals his true self and is all "I knew you were angry about the pizza bagels!" But you'll probably just fight a little and then he'll turn into a giant fuzzy unicorn and cuddle you, and you can't stay mad at a unicorn. So, prepare yourself for some theatrics but if you can keep it light and breezy, the risk might be worth the reward of dating this tall, dark, handsome, mud man.

Warner Bros. Television Distribution
"I like long walks far away from the beach, and suffocating Bruce Wayne in my own body."

4

Galactus

IT. MUST. BE. HUGE.

The Downside Is:

It must be ... huge.

Marvel
"I CAN DO THE MOON."

3

Shredder

Who doesn't like a sharp-dressed man? Just ask ZZ Top, the foremost authority on sharp-dressedness. There is a lot going on in Shredder's outfit. With the purple cape and the cool, pointy shoulder pads, he looks like one of Lady Gaga's backup dancers and I have to say, I'm for it. A well-dressed man has respect for himself. He's confident and that's sexy.

CBS Television Distribution
"Oh, this ol' thing?"

Whether he's headed down to the sewer to beat up some teenagers, or just out for a casual dinner with you, Shredder is dressing to the nines and you have to respect that! Even if you don't love Shredder's Man-In-The-Iron-Mask-meets-LuLaRoe vibe (seriously those leggings look comfy), you have to respect his commitment to the look. He's been rocking this classic for decades and he's not letting it go. Razor blade-covered leg warmers haven't been in since 1988, but Shredder don't care. He sticks by his convictions and you should stick by his stylish side.

2

Dr. Doom

He's a king, an inventor, a sorcerer, and a doctor? What's not to like? Mom would be so proud! This is a man with real ambition. A true hustler! He'll rule your heart like he rules the land of Latveria: as a fascist dictatorship. If you want a true sugar daddy, look no further than Dr. Doom. He's got a hella diverse portfolio. Sorcery not working out? Try inventing some stuff. Running a dictatorship wearing thin? Go teach a couple of classes at a small college in Maine until you recharge and find yourself.

Marvel
Sure, he's a warlord, but his real passion lies in 18th-century Italian poetry.

1

Magneto

Magneto cares about stuff. He totally shops at Whole Foods, wears one of those floppy beanie hats, and rides his bike to all of his bank heists. He wants to make the world a better place. By conquering it. A socially conscious man is SO HOT! Magneto doesn't just recycle some bottles and talk about changing the world in vague Facebook posts about bees and pandas. He does the work! He's out there everyday on the front lines, plotting to destroy the government and all non-mutants. It's a tough job, but he's devoted.

Marvel
Can you name anyone else who can fight a battle with multiple X-Men AND rock a sweet genocidal agenda like Magneto?

Plus, Magneto is all about family. What did he name his terrorist organization? The Brotherhood Of Evil Mutants! He's got three living children of his own: Polaris, Scarlet Witch, and Quicksilver. And you don't even want to get into all of the dead ones. This man loves fathering children!

The Downside Is:

This man loves fathering children. Parenting children though? Not exactly his style. He seems to have one move and it's get a woman pregnant then peace out until the children are adults. Then he'll show up one day and be like, "Sup, I'm your Dad. Also, want to be a terrorist?" This is surprisingly effective for him. Unsurprisingly, it's a little hard on the kids. Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver have a bit of an incesty vibe, Scarlet Witch and Polaris both have serious mental disorders, and Quicksilver has tried to kill Magneto on multiple occasions. And there was the time Scarlet Witch accidentally altered all of reality.

Marvel
An entire altering of everything you've ever known or loved. Or, as the comic industry calls it, a Wednesday.

In short, the family dynamics are a little complicated. Still, if you're willing to tackle the challenge, go for it! Just remember: When you marry a man, you marry his entire incesty, psychotic, homicidal family. This is made even more complicated when one of your stepdaughters has the power to alter reality to the point that you were born a popcorn kernel. But hey. The heart wants what the heart wants.

Lydia has a blog and a twitter.

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