Pets are a wonderful thing. No matter how sad or depressing your life may be, it's always just a little bit better knowing you have a loyal pet by your side. But being a pet owner is a tricky proposition. Something about being able to "own" a living thing seems to drive some people to the point of madness. Crazy cat ladies don't earn that title because of their rational behavior and robust social skills, you know? They earn it, in part, because they love cats so damn much that having 57 of them living in a squalid one bedroom apartment somehow seems like a good idea. But the crazy cat lady is just the most extreme version of what can happen when pet ownership goes awry. Some people display their insanity and inner-dickishness in more subtle ways, and the poor pets are always the innocent victims. Here are six stupid things pet owners must stop doing ...
Picking a name for your pet is not the time to prove your superiority to the world. Having a dog named "Dostoyevsky" and a cat named "Nietzsche" is not going to make people think you're blessed with a superior intellect. They'll just think you're a pretentious dick, which you are. Rest assured, you're not going to fool anyone into believing that you
Getty"Hey, that dog is wearing a baseball uniform, how adorable!" is a sentence that only the craziest of crazy people will ever let escape their lunatic mouths. Rational people see a pet wearing people clothes and, noticing the look of unspeakable sadness on its face, just feel sorry for the poor thing. Pets grow their own clothes, it's not a process that requires your intervention.
GettyIt seems like a good idea on paper. There is a lot of responsibility that comes with owning a pet, so what better way to gear up for the rigors of parenthood than adopting an adorable little animal, right? It will be just like having a kid! Sure, except for the part where kids are living, breathing human beings that can't simply be locked in a bathroom or tossed in the backyard when they're being too loud, which they absolutely will be for at least the first 12 months. You also can't put a bowl of food on the floor and leave your newborn alone for 6 hours while you go out and get hammered and expect everything to be good times when you return. Raising a pet is to raising a child what the Olive Garden is to eating Italian food. They are not even kind of the same thing, and to suggest that the two experiences are similar is nothing short of disrespectful.
GettyYes, this is a thing that really happens. There are
GettySure, a dog or a cat might be sufficient for "normal" people, but you live outside the lines, man. You don't play by the same rules as the rest of the world. That's why you're the proud owner of a goddamn chimpanzee. Coincidentally, that's also why your best friend is currently being mauled in your living room while you
GettyI accept that most of you read the title of this entry and had no idea what it meant. I wasn't all that sure myself when someone brought it up in casual conversation recently. To give you some background, the AKC stands for
For more from Adam, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Corporate Mascots of All-Time and 5 Horrifying Food Additives You've Probably Eaten Today.
The main benefit of watching TV is seeing the plight of sad bastards who aren't you.
The 'wellness' market is thriving right now.
Most people have a pretty basic idea of what it's like to be a parent.
There's no shortage of downright absurd conspiracy theories out there.
Given everything we know, there's cause to be worried about these movies.