It works every time. You should also not use your pet's name to give people another reason to think you're a degenerate binge drinker. So skip the alcohol themed names as well. You know what kind of pets are named "Jack Daniels"? The kind that end up in rescue shelters because their owner was found sleeping it off in a ditch 600 miles from home with alcohol induced amnesia. If you're even entertaining the thought of naming your pet after booze, it's probably a good sign that you're not ready for the responsibility of owning a pet (and that you have a severe drinking problem). Oh, and it should go without saying that if you name your pet "Bentley" or "Porsche" or any other luxury brand name, people immediately assume you have shitty credit and a home in foreclosure. Just a heads up.

always freezing, they can use the extra warmth. But putting shoulder pads and a helmet on your Saint Bernard because the Jets made the playoffs is like two steps away from full on animal abuse. The only person who thinks this is a good idea is you. The rest of the world just assumes you're a lonely old spinster who never found someone to love you and therefore never had kids that you could torture with your absurd fashion sense. And they're probably right. Hey, speaking of kids ...

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother on some unsuspecting pug, you should consider getting a plant instead. You don't see neglected ferns in those depressing SPCA commercials, do you?

chat with a 911 operator about the best way to subdue an enraged beast who's tired of living in the captivity of your tiny home and has decided to express its anger by tearing someone's face from their skull. There is a reason that dogs and cats are the most common house pets. That reason, of course, is because they know that their role in this world is to be our loyal companions. They just naturally like the way we operate and have taken a shine to the great indoors, just like humans. You know what animals don't feel that way? All of the rest of them. Every single one. Be it a bird, fish, iguana or total fucking asshole ferret, those animals have one thing in common, and that is their intense desire to not live in a cage for your entertainment. Take the Slow Loris, for example. These adorable little critters have been popping up in YouTube videos for a few years now, with seemingly heartwarming results ... But there's more to that video than just a cute animal being cuter than it already is. What you're really seeing is an animal whose main defense mechanism when threatened is to be as docile as possible. It's not throwing its hands up because it loves being tickled, it's just terrified and thinks that letting this cackling freak of a pet owner touch its stomach will keep it from being slaughtered. Oh, and they're also extremely sensitive to light, which explains this adorable video ... And did I mention that the Slow Loris is one of the only mammals that emits toxins when it bites? No worries for the pet owner though, because poachers just remove their teeth with wire cutters before they ship them off to whatever shady black market sells inappropriate pets to rich assholes. And this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to exotic pets that nobody should own. But, hey, at least you get a unique pet out of all that horror. It's probably cheaper than buying a sports car to make up for all of your shortcomings.