But Really:

Let me reassure hiring managers everywhere: If I come in for a job interview, I want the job. Maybe someone, somewhere, doesn't really want to work and goes job hunting only because their dad makes them, but in general, assume that if I've chased the position this far, it's because I want it. Sending a follow-up email isn't some significant extra effort from the best among us. It's extremely easy to do (once I know I should). Dragging myself all the way to your office for the interview was the hard part.

A thank you note doesn't show someone's well mannered; it shows they know your personal view on what good manners are. And to be fair, that's true of most "manners," but the writer isn't emailing you because they're courteous. They're emailing you because they want news on how they did and want to plug themselves again. I want that too, only I thought pestering you so soon was bad manners. If I could, I would definitely end every interview by saying, "Oh yeah, and I really need this job. Let me stop in the elevator for a couple minutes to reiterate how amazing I am, and also, did I ace the interview? Can you tell me?" I just assumed I wasn't supposed to.

Related: 5 Ways Applying For A Job Is Hopelessly Stacked Against You

How The Company Sees It:

As Levchin put it, "Everyone I knew in college who liked to play hoops was an idiot." And it wasn't only that this guy played basketball, it was how he described it. "No PayPal people would ever have used the word hoops. Basketball would be bad enough. But hoops?" Levchin didn't want jocks invading the place and ruining things. PayPal was founded by nerds, and they were going to stay nerds to the bitter end.

But Really:

Plainly, Levchin once deeply envied a basketball-playing classmate who was much cooler than him. This bitterness festered into a bias that will haunt him for the rest of his days. And I don't know, maybe some of the programming students he knew who played basketball at the University of Illinois -- ranked fifth in the nation for computer science -- really were idiots, but this candidate was not. His scores (engineering scores, not basketball) proved this.

Even workaholics should do something fun to recharge, and basketball is as good a hobby as any. Better, actually, if you want to live long enough to enjoy all those millions you're making. Nerds tend to be really protective of their culture, but we're learning more and more that it's not a culture worth preserving. Feel free to search the web for "Silicon Valley culture" on your own time, and see what other industries think about how toxic it is. And while athletes may not be the single most oppressed minority, trust me that bragging to crowds about how your company insisted on hiring only people like you isn't a good look.

Related: 6 Bizarre Forms Of Discrimination That Can Lose You A Job

How The Company Sees It:

Every company seeks candidates who are intelligent, driven, productive -- all that good stuff. But to really separate the special folk from the rest, Google had to test if you're able to think laterally. Manholes are round so the cover can't fall into the hole, because square covers could if you tilt them the wrong way. You need to be able to twist things in your mind to solve a problem like that. And you'd need to be even craftier to answer this question: "Every wife knows when a man other than her husband has cheated. Any wife who can prove her husband cheats must kill him that day. The queen visits this village of 100 couples and says at least one husband has cheated. What happens?"

But Really:

I know the answer to the manhole question. I know it because I liked reading puzzle books as a child. As an adult, I also know that in reality, a round manhole cover will totally fall into a round manhole, which is why the hole contains an inner lip to hold the cover up. And a big enough lip could also keep any other shape from falling in, which is why many grate covers are square, after all. Round covers are more for easy transport and installation. But I still know the "correct" answer is "so it won't fall in," so I'll say that if Google ever asks me. However, I cannot say or hear the word "manhole" and maintain a straight face, so maybe I'd fail the interview anyway.

I know the answer to the hotel question. The man is playing Monopoly and landed on Boardwalk. I read that one in a book too, and if I were to guess it on my own, well, that simply means I think more about board games than about anything that matters. The answer to the queen riddle is that every wife kills her husband on day 100, and the explanation is too long and nonsensical to share here. Just know that it ignores how people act in the real world, so it isn't a good test of anything. Questions about estimates, like the window washing one, were maybe a little better, but in the end Google realized that all of these lateral thinking questions were stupid and finally got rid of them.

Or maybe I'm right? Because this disdain toward brown-shoe folk sounds as dumb as anything in my head. If I lack "polish," you'll choose someone else, fine. You can't easily drill polish into someone. But if I'm otherwise perfect, and the shoes are the only problem, how about you just tell me to wear my black shoes when I next come in? I'll put on black shoes, I promise. If I don't own any black shoes, I'll buy some. I can afford to because you recently gave me a job. Hire me. You don't have to act like the parodies of 1960s Brits who were villains in Mad Men.

But Really:

When I'm working, would I wash my coffee cup in my employee break room? Yes, and feel free to praise me for this. But will I march back to the kitchen to wash my cup after an interview? No. Because this isn't my office. And I don't mean that in a "not my problem" way; I mean that I have yet to ascend to the role in which the office and its kitchen is part of my dominion. I want to be able to go to the kitchen, and to my desk after that, but I have not yet been granted the right to do that, which is the whole reason I am interviewing today.

The coffee test really only gauges whether someone is confident and already feels at home in the office. And while those actually might be good qualities, that doesn't seem to be what Xero is testing for. Again, if I have coffee when visiting someone I know well, I might take the cup to the sink and wash it, sure. Would I go, on my own, to the kitchen after being served coffee at a White House meet and greet? No. That seems like a good way to get shot.

How The Company Sees It:

Every boss wonders how potential employees handle adversity. In fact, many straight up ask in the interview, "Tell me about a time you had to deal with adversity." If you know a thing or two about interviews, you have an answer ready, and the boss has no idea if what you're saying is even true. To know for sure, they instead have to witness you responding to something real. "Are they upset, are they frustrated, or are they understanding?" says Bettinger about the applicant receiving the wrong food. "Life is like that, and business is like that. It's just another way to get a look inside their heart rather than their head."

But Really:

If I respond to receiving chocolate pancakes instead of strawberry ones by unsheathing the combat knife I always keep handy and driving it into the waiter's heart, you'll have learned something important about me, I'll grant you that. And you'll have dodged a bullet / evaded a stabbing by removing me from the applicant pool. But short of that, I don't know how much information is to be gleaned from this test. This is simply not a level of adversity comparable to anything meaningful I will experience on the job.

My reaction doesn't even reveal how polite I am, or how considerate I am to subordinates. It instead reveals what I think the appropriate reaction during a job interview is. Even if I don't know the boss arranged the mistake (I don't yet know he is a psychopath whose only pleasure derives from deception), I still know he's listening to everything I say, and tailor everything I do accordingly. And if that logic means that anything else a boss learns in an interview is also unreliable, well ... yes, yes it does. I don't know what companies should do instead of job interviews, only that what they do now sucks.

Follow Ryan Menezes on Twitter for bits cut from this article and other stuff no one should see.

For more, check out How These 'Entitled' Millennials Want Jobs That 'Pay':

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