6 Steps to Meeting New People (For the Socially Intolerable)

This is a slightly tricky balancing act we're talking about here, and it doesn't always come naturally to everyone. In general, you're going to need to be outgoing, but at the same time very cautious, always alert to signs that someone isn't interested in talking to you. If you're trying to have a conversation with someone, and they're ...

- Barely replying to your questions.

- Looking away.

- Reading a challenging text.

- Sprinting away from you.

... then you may be talking to someone who doesn't like you. Picking up on these conversational cues is important, because you're going to be doing a lot of talking, and you don't want to piss anyone off.

Not before they get a chance to really know you, anyways.

An Example:

Me: So how was your weekend?

Co-worker: Pretty good. Went up to the lake with some friends.

Me: -noticing he's engaged in the conversation; a good sign- Awesome. Awesome. I love lakes.

Co-worker: Yeah, it was fun.

Me: -noticing he didn't immediately invite me to the lake, wanting to back off, play it cool- Yeah, I'm kind of over lakes now.

Co-worker: You just said you loved lakes.

Me: -noticing that fucking Sherlock here is at least engaged in the conversation- Well, I mean, how are we defining love? Like would I marry a lake? No, of course not. Have I had an erection when inside a lake? Of course. So. You know. Catch-22.

Co-worker: -long open-mouthed stare- What was your name again?

Every conversation with a co-worker is an opportunity to find a shared interest, hobby, pastime, or drug habit. And once you're talking about that shared interest, you're far more likely to stumble upon another one, and another one, and before you know it, you've made a friend, or failing that, a hook-up to get buddy prices on some real good shit. Also, the next time your new not-quite-friend has a party, your shared interests make it a lot more likely that you'll score an invitation.

An Example:

Me: Me? Oh, I just furiously disagreed with people on the Internet all weekend.

Different Co-worker: Hah!

Me: Right? -excited we've found a shared interest in Internet misanthropy- Those stupid jerks had it coming.

Different Co-worker: Having different opinions than you. Who do they think they are?

Me: Exactly! See, you get it. Hey, you know something, I'm sorry about all that lake talk earlier.

Different Co-worker: What lake talk?

Me: Uh.

Different Co-worker: Are you confusing me with Ryan?

Me: It's just that, you know. You're both Asian.

Different Co-worker: But I'm a girl.

Me: Of course you are. Which means I didn't tell you about fucking a lake. Until now.

Different Co-worker: -long open-mouthed stare- What do you do here again?

Extracurricular activities are the key. Along with providing quality socializing time away from distractions, they throw the door wide open for you to meet friends of friends. We're unlikely to bring our friends and partners and drug buddies around to the office, but all of those people tend to show up in the local pub after work on a Friday. You should leap at these opportunities when they present themselves, and when the situation warrants, even suggest them yourself. Don't be shy here -- it does very little harm to at least suggest that everyone go out for a drink after work, and you're probably not the only one with the same idea. You may be surprised at how popular this makes you.

An Example:

Me: Anyone want to get a drink after work today?

Co-worker: I can't.

Different Co-worker: Me neither. I'm heading to the lake with Ryan. -they sprint off-

Me: Does anyone else want to go get a drink and talk behind those two assholes' backs?

Everyone Else: Holy shit, yes.

So be open, available, and eager. When someone suggests another round, buy it. When someone suggests getting pizza, cram that pizza in you as fast as humanly possible. When someone suggests going to another bar, fucking carry them there.

An Example:

Me: -blinking- Hey, where did everyone else go?

Shifty Co-worker: They had to bail awhile ago.

Me: Man I'm drunk. How did I not notice that?

Shifty Co-worker: You've been having a lot of fun.

Me: I have, haven't I? This has been a wild night! I'm glad I came out with you tonight ... why are you wearing a diaper?

Shifty Co-worker: -wearing a diaper- This is a diaper club. How drunk are you?

Me: -sees everyone in club wearing diapers- Feeling less drunk quite rapidly now. Wait. -just now seeing the diaper I am myself wearing- I think I gotta go.

Shifty Co-worker: Yeah, you've made that joke several times now.

Me: That does sound like something I'd ... poo.

Shifty Co-worker: That one, too.

Me: How on Earth did you talk me into coming here?

Shifty Co-worker: You said you wanted to meet people.

Crazy Diaper Fetishist: Hey, how ya doin'?

Me: -remembering it's important to be up for anything- I did. And I guess this is better than sitting around reading things on the Internet.

Crazy Diaper Fetishist: Less weirdos here, for one.

An Example:

Me: OK, I think I get it. So you guys are just into the diapers. You don't all act like babies.

Shifty Co-worker: Adult babies and us have a lot of overlap. There are a few of those in a room in the back.

Me: Oh yeah. I found them. -eyes widen- I somehow suspect everyone's having a better time in there than all the crying would suggest.

Crazy Diaper Fetishist: Personally, I think those guys are freaks.

Me: Riiiiiiight. You just like shitting yourself.

Crazy Diaper Fetishist: I prefer the term "messer."

Me: I'm sure you do. But just to be clear, you are actively pooping yourself right now, while you're making eye contact with me, aren't you?

Crazy Diaper Fetishist: -licks his lips too-

Me: Well, at least I'm making friends.

Shifty Co-worker: Oh, we're not your friends.

Me: You're not?

Shifty Co-worker: No, this is just a sex thing.

Crazy Diaper Fetishist: So which one of you guys is changing me and which of you guys is going to beat me off?

Me: -starts running, never stops-