In response to this, some phone manufacturers have created face sensors to detect when we stop looking at the screen, and only then turn it off. In my experience, this only helps automate this wrong-decision-making process. Obviously, it's unfair and irrational to demand our phones have mind-reading capabilities, except yeah, let's go ahead and do that. Get on it, you engineers with extremely fashionable eyeglasses working at Apple, and you engineers wearing substantially less fashionable eyeglasses working at Google. Please read my mind to make my phone nicer, and sure, go ahead and pump some ads directly in there while you're at it. If you can make the phone hover in front of me, that'd be good, too.
How many of you have adjusted your social lives based on the current charge of your phone? I have. Not a lot; not to the point of canceling a fight club or anything. But I've definitely loitered at work with the phone on the charger, and taken a longer route to give the car charger more time, and sprinted into a gathering and seized the host by the lapels while shrieking something about electricity. And I know I'm not alone. People are beginning to develop real anxieties around not having a functioning phone. It's called nomophobia, which is a fittingly dumb name for something so dumb. These devices are supposed to make our lives easier, and yet here they are, measurably making them worse.
"And then my phone is screaming at me for wetting the bed and I'm calling it 'Mommy' and the whole school is laughing at me."
What's even worse is that these crappy batteries are showing to manufacturers and other aspiring tyrants just how much humans are willing to put up with. By proving ourselves willing to adapt our lives around our phone charge, we've essentially all agreed to wear a twelve-hour leash. Smartphones are great devices, sure, maybe even worth that sacrifice. But how long will it be before the concept spreads? When will someone develop a really good shoe which requires a docking station, or an incredible burrito which requires a three-year commitment and a data plan, or something even more humiliating?
Brand X Pictures/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"PLEASE LOG IN WITH YOUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNT."
Big Brother isn't your flat screen on the wall (except when it is). It's your goddamned smartphone battery, pressing down on your face, forever.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your best friend. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
For more from Bucholz, check out The 12 Most Common Fantasies Teenage Boys Have and 5 Brilliant Ways Historical Figures Dealt With Their Haters.
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