I've been known to find it difficult to understand why people insist on fucking replicas of severed body parts that aren't, you know, genitals. It's just such a strangely deliberate creepy act -- like you're Kurt Russell and you know that the Thing'll get you any minute now, so you'll just grab the nearest body part lying around and dick it to oblivion in the hopes of accidentally teabagging your alien assailant.
Yet the sex toy industry continues to thumb its nose at common sense with products such as Design Me Male Masturbation Simulation Vibrating Jade Hand Vagina, which I'm just going to go ahead and call the "Palmgina" from here on out, because what the fuck?
In more ways than one.
Footginas have been featured on our site before, and although they're as creepy as seven hells (imagine stomping on a clitoris every time you take a step), there's at least some justification for their existence. Foot fetishists are surprisingly common, and the whole "foot that you can fuck" thing has at least some justification from their sheer numbers. Hand fetishists exist as well, but the whole vagina thing is a lot tougher to justify in this case. If you're into hands enough to buy a fake hand for masturbatory purposes, isn't it a handjob you'd be after? No? Your specific fetish is to screw a vagina-shaped palm opening not unlike a crucifixion wound in a severed hand? Sure, guy, no problem. I'm sure the people processing your online order took a long, hard look at the screen before they let out an audible sigh and alerted the authorities.
Mark Sturkenboom/via Metro
What does a terrifying mass murderer do after tearing through the latest of his victims? Head to the liquor store for a nice bottle of Chianti? Craft a tasteful (save for the material, of choice) lampshade? Stand in the backyard pantsless and rev his chainsaw at the moon?
Ha, of course not. They're going to go and buy a whole bunch of dildo urns in which to store the remains of their victims forever, and ... uh, enjoy the memory whenever they see fit.
Granted, 21 Grams (you know, that old adage about the weight of the human soul) is a little more ambitious project than the mere "fuck'em till we have a mansion" striving of your average sex toy manufacturer. The designer is attempting to offer a little something (wink, nudge, etc.) for the widow of the deceased to remember their mate by, in the most intimate way available in the circumstances. For the brave griever without undue necrophiliac leanings, the package offers a tastefully constructed memory box, complete with a gold-plated key. The contents -- which include a dildo, a scent diffuser, and an iPhone dock with flower-shaped speakers, because why the fuck not -- are known to the owner of the key alone ... as is the knowledge of where exactly they may shove the deceased, and how often.
In some strange, darkly humorous kind of way, this is actually a pretty endearing concept. Still, let's be honest: If this thing ever gets off the shelves in a big way, the Feds only need to acquire the buyers' list, and they're going to solve roughly 120 percent of all mystery murders in the Western hemisphere.
Pauli is a Cracked weekly columnist who barely owns any of this stuff, officer. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
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