The way this one goes is a cashier innocuously asks their bagger or another cashier if they've "seen Bob." But they're not talking about some dude or an unpopular Microsoft operating system (surprisingly), but are in fact asking their co-worker to check the "bottom of basket," the lower part of your shopping cart, which is hard for a cashier to see. Basically, they suspect you of trying the old shoplifting technique of "forgetting" something in the bottom of your shopping cart.
"Were you going to pay for the $80 worth of Fudgsicles down there, sir?"
This is actually a serious drain on grocery store bottom lines: Studies have shown that the hilariously named "BOB losses" actually cost a grocery store $6 to $10 per lane each day, which adds up quickly. So the stores take it seriously, but use the cute code words so they don't get caught accidentally accusing their regular customers of theft.
"I was going to pay for them, actually. I just couldn't lift them up there because of my crippling diabetes."
Doctors have a massive advantage when it comes to speaking in code, in that they essentially already speak in code all day, with a vocabulary that is miles beyond what most of their "customers" have. While they often have an interest in making themselves clear to their patients, they can quickly switch to technical terms or jargon if they need to speak with another doctor without the patient knowing what's going on, or to simply sound less frightening. "Koch's disease" is just one example of this -- another term for tuberculosis some doctors use when discussing a case without wanting to alarm the patient or their relatives.
"You have acute cerebral vacancy."
"Is it serious?"
"Well, you certainly won't feel any pain."
And that's when the doctors are speaking to their patients, and presumably being respectful to them. This is not always the case. Doctors have a notorious reputation for dark humor, which can include using some shockingly disrespectful terms to refer to their charges. "Beemers" can mean "obese people" (as in BMI). "Frequent flyers" can refer to people who keep visiting emergency rooms. "FTDs" can mean "failure to die," for people who have lived, annoyingly so.
"So you're still here, huh?" -20 second sigh-
In their defense, doctors deal with death and intense pressure every day, and they have every right to use humor as a release. And sure, an individual sick person deserves respect, but if you had to deal with a hundred of them a day, yeah, they might lose a smidge of their unique humanity in your eyes and the eyes of your colleagues. These kinds of cruel labels seem to get used a lot by people in stressful occupations, soldiers being the most obvious comparison. So if you do overhear one of these labels while visiting a hospital, know that the doctor saying it isn't necessarily a cruel, unfeeling maniac.
She just hates you.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and is sure everyone's talking about him behind his back to his face. Join him on Facebook or Twitter to talk to his face to his face.