5

Total Freedom (To Work Harder)

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For me, becoming a freelancer was like becoming Dr. Manhattan: It started by accident, I now do awesome things I couldn't do before and pants have become less and less necessary.

Likewise, my wife just stands and watches. Impressed.

4

You Live in a Better World

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The world of the online writer is a sci-fi utopiaville. Every public transportation vehicle has free seats, stores are staffed and empty, banks are utterly without lines. There's even the total impossibility of post and government offices open at a time you can go to them.

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There are absolutely no other customers, so I'm just going to do your taxes while you're here.

It turns out that every business is open the whole day, not just at lunchtime and after five when all the people with jobs and money are free to use them. Which is a bit weird when you think about it. You'd think cable companies would understand that people who pay for cable must be getting that money from somewhere, and offer installation times like 5 to 7 a.m. and 7 to 9 p.m., but that's because you can think and therefore don't work for those companies. Or you understand that they can't because of the same rules your workplace has.

If you work online, you just use things when other people don't. The time saving alone is an effective 10 percent raise in pay, and an increase in quality of life while doing that. Which is good, because you'll be up until 3 a.m. finishing your work, and have started to resent wasting time on non-word things.

3

You Love Your Work

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Writers have evolved to love their work, which is weird, because rampant breeding isn't something people associate with making jokes about Transformers online. But if you're making money online, it's because you kept at it for zero reward until that happened. Some people want to quit their jobs because they hate them and go write instead, which is the exact wrong attitude for a writer. You write because you love it. You write on top of your regular work, because words might be the true expression of your soul, but your unique spirit doesn't pay the rent.

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I'm a unique free spirit, in that I can only afford things that are free.

2

No (Relative) Lack of Security

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The biggest problem with freelancing has always been a lack of job security and the knowledge that you can be completely screwed by random employer decisions. So holy s**t, real world, thanks for equalizing that problem, but you

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Screw those assholes, I'm taking my air generator with me!

I am not happy about this. It's punched several of my friends in the balls so hard they need to carve their underpants from ice every morning. Some friends worked hard for years to get a very nice contract and were then hauled into the office and told, "That really is a nice contract you have, but if you don't want to be fired the second it ends you'll sign this new one, which bends you over a table right now. Here's a pen."

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They would have preferred a crotch shot. Daily.

I truly wish things were still going well for everyone else, because writing for a humor website is far easier when people aren't throwing themselves off tall buildings. But right now the idea of risking job security to follow your dreams has less downside than a Mobius strip.

1

Honest Feedback

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If you gave a real writer a choice between honest, intelligent feedback or oral sex, they'd choose the feedback. Because they can get oral sex by themselves, and if it happened all the time they'd never get any writing done. If that sounds like misplaced priorities, well done on not being a writer. (Although I can confirm that "both" is still the best choice.)

You can't get honest feedback in the real world. Anyone you're showing your work to already knows you, and knows you're just starting out, and that you've put weeks of work into that piece. (If you haven't, don't be bothering your friends and family with that first-draft crap.) No matter how much you insist they should be honest, they know they have to deal with you for the foreseeable future. They ARE NOT going to tell you how bad it sucks, launching into a detailed blow-by-blow of exactly why, because that's something people only do to people they hate.

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AND YOUR CHARACTERIZATION LACKS DEPTH!

I found one person prepared to give honest feedback when I sucked and praise when I didn't, so I married her. But since she's taken, now you you'll need the Internet. (Once you're working as a writer, this can change. My friends now know that honest feedback really helps me. And since I aim to write for devastatingly handsome and witty people, they're the perfect test audience. Hi guys!)

This is Commenters Part 2: The Trollening, because like any unnatural monster, they come back at the end when you thought you'd already dealt with them. And again, they're brilliant. People online have absolutely no interest in you as a human being. Many seem incapable of thinking that way, so they're honest. If 99 percent of all comments are hateful and stupid, it's only because 99 percent of people honestly are, and instead of being a nightmare, it means the 1 percent that remains is genuinely valuable.

Because when someone comes out of the Internet woodwork to say something positive, that's worth infinity million. They had no reason to claim they liked your stuff. They'd already read it and enjoyed it, and instead of darting to another site like a comedy one-night stand, they took several online seconds (which could have been spent on porn or talking to people they actually know) to tell you that. And when your work wins out over fake genitals and real people, that's praise.

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