And the more everyone calls bullshit, the faster we as a species pull the stick up to see how high the diamond jet can climb before its profit-engine stalls. Diamonds are the Fifty Shades of Grey of gemology.
The Shigeharu Shimamura of diamonds should be a multi-billionaire now, but you can't eat diamonds, so lettuce is demonstrably more valuable.
There's no case for human rights that can counter "But I want it." Still, a lot of otherwise-wonderful people want a diamond as a sign of your love, and to them manmade diamonds are a cheap-out. Those are the people who make the final entry possible ...
Valentine's Is a Boon to Divorce Lawyers
Divorce spikes every new year, and comes to its crescendo around mid-February, as the few folks hanging on say to themselves, "You know what, Myron? You're worth more than a pork chop dinner and an uninterested handjob."
Plus, tax statements are rolling in right about now, so a lot of couples can torch the last 10 years of their lives with a better understanding of their financial position.
Andersen Ross/Blend Images/Getty Images
You have to ask yourself, "Is this person worth buying a $200 dinner and/or crawling into a latex unitard for?" Because if you're leaving them either way, pull that ripcord before you make the doomed effort. Shoot, you could find a way to divorce for less than $200 if you're sitting on the right bus stop benches.
The Good News:
The important thing to remember is divorce is not your fault. Unless you're, like ... an unrepentant addict, or an abuser, or a circus clown, or you're the perfect spouse but you say weird stuff in your sleep -- actually, I just talked myself into thinking that all divorce is your fault. Way to ruin the sanctity of marriage, asshole.
You could have been happy if you'd just been willing to make little changes!
Regardless, divorce is a sad affair even when it's amicable, because it means a lawyer's making money. But on the barely existent upside, this is your reboot button. It's a chance for personal reevaluation, whether you want it or not. Sometimes, those forced situations are the only things that kick our asses hard enough to prompt personal evolution. You won't recognize it as an upside right now, but Future You will definitely appreciate the situation in hindsight.
That doesn't mean "Go out and get divorced! It's awesome!" But if you find yourself alone on the 14th, robbed of a world you spent your life building, just remember this: Though you might be broken, bent, or bowed ... everyone's having a miserable Valentine's Day this year. Go out there and wow someone new. Or at least be mildly interesting to them before you agree to suffer the same mistakes all over again.
Brendan invented Valentine's Gift Roulette and will craft you the perfect awkward sext on Twitter. Thanks to Kathy Benjamin for the flowers and divorce ideas.
Brendan wants to know what love is, and wants you to show him in 5 Sketchy Facts You Didn't Know About Valentine's Day.