5

"The Elections Are Rigged Anyway!"

Donald J. Trump for President, Inc.

Depending on if you support the inevitable Donald Trump loss or the smoldering wreckage of Bernie Sanders's campaign, you might be inclined to point fingers at the election process itself being some kind of a dodge on the American people. For the former group, the worry is that voter fraud will somehow rig the election, while Liberals tend to think that billionaires will buy the election right out from under us.

Both seem plausible, right? Take, for example, Sheldon Adelson ... a casino magnate who looks as if he should be perpetually lighting a cigar with money. Sheldon has spent huge sums of cash in order to get his candidate elected -- such as dishing out $93 million in 2012 for this guy ...

Joe Raedle/Getty Images

Why That's Garbage ...

For those not paying attention, Sheldon's millions didn't exactly turn the tide for Romney's election. In fact -- as multiple studies have determined, money simply doesn't buy elections. The reason we think it does is because the candidates who are most likely to be elected get more donations (and not the other way around). This is like claiming that flies kill people because there's always a lot of them hanging around a corpse. But at least there's some truth to the "money = winning" logic, unlike the claim that voter fraud is a big problem in this country or even a thing to begin with.

NBC News

The study in question looked at over 2,000 cases of election fraud in the U.S. between 2000 and 2012 to find that of all those instances, only 38 were actually prosecuted ... and only 2/3rds of those 38 involved voters and not officials or volunteers. And of those twenty-something cases, not a single one involved impersonation of a voter. And this is but one of seven written works, four government inquiries, two news investigations, and one court ruling all finding zero evidence that voter fraud is a problem in the U.S. Not to point fingers -- but anyone pushing the idea that this election will be rigged is either some kind of giant baby or actively attempting to deceive the American people or both.

4

"My Candidate Wasn't Nominated, So What's The Point?"

Joe Raedle/Getty Images

Let's not kid ourselves: There were a lot of primary candidates who might have been a better choice and somehow failed to be nominated. For a lot of people, their own parties' monumental failure to pick idealistic favorites like Bernie Sanders or non-rapey options like Jeb Bush or Ted Cruz was pretty much a deal breaker.

For a lot of Republicans, the last few months have played out like a Black Mirror episode where everyone's swapped with conspiracy theorist goblin people. So what other choice do they have but to stay home and pout like an uninvited birthday party guest?

Why That's Garbage ...

Throwing your vote into the ocean is exactly what the opposing party wants you to do. Why do you think Trump has begun to cozy up to Bernie supporters?

CNN

Orange Thunder has invoked Bernie's name during several debates -- attempting to remind his supporters of the bad things Clinton said about him during the primaries. The idea is simple: Either get his fans to vote Trump, or bum them out enough to not vote for his opponent. This isn't party-exclusive, as Clinton has taken to complimenting Ted Cruz on his un-endorsement of Trump along with reminding religious conservatives what an immoral garbage puppet he is.

You may hate your party's' candidate, but keep in mind that abstaining in protest isn't brave so much as it is exactly what the other party wants you to do. And that's the best-case scenario ... the worst being that you accidentally support a madman.

The Telegraph

Back in 2002, France's election was so bogged down with candidates that there were 16 people on the ballot for the first round of elections (France has a kooky two-round election system). And thanks to a great number of protest votes from people unhappy that their party wasn't properly represented, somehow the election boiled down to a seasoned politician and a fascist crazy for the National Front Party. And while ultimately the right person was voted in by a landslide, it's insane to think someone that unhinged got so far in the system ... right?

Justin Merriman/Getty Images

3

"I Want A Serious Third-Party Option!"

Scott Olson/Getty Images

There are some sad circles of the internet that still believe that Bernie Sanders can be elected. Seriously, that's a thing.

RT

International Business Times

For a lot of people -- the idea of writing in Bernie Sanders or voting for Jill Stein or Gary Johnson isn't about winning the election, but sending a message. As it stands right now we're trapped in a two-party system where any outsider is declared a lost cause and therefore gets no votes and therefore gets declared a lost cause. Clearly, the only way to break that cycle is for more and more people to vote for a third-party candidate until it becomes a more viable option.

Maybe not next election ... or the one after that ... but at some point this system will work, dammit!

Why That's Garbage ...

Look -- no one is saying that supporting a third-party is a bad idea or a waste of a vote. What I AM saying, however, is that supporting a third party every four years and then completely forgetting that party exists IS a waste of a vote.

Imagine it's the Purge and you spend 364 days of the year being a total dick while doing zero home invasion preparation. You can't then spend the final day rushing to Home Depot for razor wire and plywood and get angry when your family is brutally murdered by a pack of Aphex Twin background dancers. Equally stupid: Expecting a third-party system to be viable when you only support that party at the last freaking minute.

Green Party

2

"My Vote Doesn't Even Count!"

CNN

Elections 101: The way the electoral college works is that states have a certain amount of electoral votes that go toward the candidates. Those votes are decided by the popular vote in each state -- meaning that it's rare but possible a candidate could get fewer votes from citizens but still become president because of how those votes are spread across the country. This means that if you're a Republican in an undoubtedly blue state like Massachusetts, your vote doesn't really count.

This is why candidates tend to focus on certain battleground states where the vote can actually go either way. Meanwhile, the rest of us get to watch as places like Ohio get called a "great state" way more times than anyone is comfortable with -- including most Ohioans.

Why That's Garbage ...

Here's the thing: Everything I just said is true. There's no myth to debunk about the value of a single vote in the majority of states across the US. Only none of that information makes you any less of a wafting coward for not voting based on that information. Remember this guy from Lord Of The Rings?

New Line Cinema

1

"The World Is Screwed So None Of This Matters"

celafon/iStock

Fuck everything, right? Climate change is going to turn our grandkids into marauders while the public is too busy 'ooohhh'ing at an endless parade of Kardashians and Biebers hogging the airwaves. Politicians are all hypocrites in it for themselves. Pumpkin spice is oozing in the streets. David Bowie is dead. People are too dumb and hopeless to evolve, and it's only a matter of time before this planet shakes us off like a wet dog casting mud and twigs.

MMMMNNNNUUUUHHHHHH! That's the sound you're making through those sneering lips, you animal.

What's the goddamn point of voting when the sun and/or Jesus will evaporate us anyway, right?

Why That's Garbage ...

Plot twist: Not only do things get better -- but they do so because of the politicians we choose to elect.

I live in Los Angeles, a city that was once known for its snarky, fish-out-of-water Beverly Hills police force and the ominous cloud of smog that filled the pores of every barely-breathing citizen. Then back in the '70s through '90s, emission standards for cars were dramatically changed and laws were passed that have since boosted the quality of life in the area. And one of the biggest sources of this change was the creation and updates to the Clean Air Act in 1970 and 1990 -- all thanks to help from these guys:

The White House

It was Nixon who signed the act into law. Later, while running for the oval office, George Bush Sr. campaigned on being an environmental president before getting elected and actually fulfilling his promises by updating the Clean Air Act. Meanwhile, other countries passed their own laws and did their own studies ... and today that ozone layer has almost completely healed itself.

CNN

Things can change. But they don't do it by writing premature obituaries for the Great Barrier Reef or vowing to move to Canada if the wrong candidate wins. They change by electing people who will do stuff like legalize same-sex marriage or pass climate change measures to keep fighting against global warming. They change by electing mayors who cut down crime and then having a debate about which policies were actually responsible.

Now stop being such a stupid baby and go line up outside an elementary school like the patriotic weirdo that you are.

Vote for David by following him on Twitter.

You know all those facts you've learned about psychology from movies and that one guy at the party who says, "Actually ..." a lot? Please forget them. Chances are none of them are true. Take the Stanford Prison Experiment, the one famous psychology study people can name. It was complete bullshit. Funny story actually, it turns out that when you post flyers that say, "Hey, do you wanna be a prison guard for the weekend? Free food and nightsticks," you might not get the most stable group of young men. So join Jack O'Brien, Cracked staff members Dan O'Brien and Michael Swaim, and Psychology Professor Martie G. Haselton of UCLA as they debunk Rorschach tests, the Mozart effec,t and middle child syndrome, so soon you can be that person at the party who says, "Actually ..." Get your tickets here!

Also check out Why This Election Proves Politics Are About To Get Weird and 4 Political Myths Destroyed By The 2016 Election.

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