âThese pretty upstart youths profane the Lordâs day by the lascivious writhing of their tender limbs and gorgeous decking of their apparelâ¦â
Which, for the Elizabethan-challenged, roughly translates to:âHow dare these sexy children be so damned sexy, wiggling like that, itâsâ¦itâsâ¦I mean come on!â
Shakespeare also openly mocked celebrities of the day, and even included them as characters in his plays. For example, the Bishop of Westchester, featured inHamlet: Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
Ophelia: No, my lord.
Hamlet: I mean my head upon your lap?
Ophelia: Ay, my lord.
Hamlet: Do you think I meant country matters?
Ophelia: I think nothing my lord.
Hamlet: Thatâs a fair thought to lie between maidâs legs.
Ophelia: What is, my lord?
Hamlet: No thing.
Ophelia: You are merry, my lord.
On first look, it seems like a simple and pretty boring misunderstanding about whether Ophelia will let Hamlet lay his head in her lap while they watch a play. But take into account the fact that in Elizabethan England, ânothingâ was slang for vagina (because itâs shaped like an âOâ), âthingâ was slang for dick, âheadâ meant tip of the penis, âmerryâ meant sexually aroused and âcountry mattersâ was taken to mean âmatters pertaining to the cunt,â and you get this much more interesting exchange:Hamlet: Hey, can I stick my wangle in your pooter?
Ophelia: Seriously? Your momâs like, right over there.
Hamlet: What if I just put the tip in?
Ophelia: Very well, my lord.
Hamlet: You get it? Iâm talking about your cunt.
Ophelia: Yeah, I kind of picked up on that. Iâm too am thinking about vaginas.
Hamlet: Thatâs a good thing to do between a ladyâs legs. Fuck vaginas, I mean.
Ophelia: What is, my lord?
Hamlet: Vagina penis.
Ophelia: Correct me if Iâm wrong, but you seem horny, my lord.
I donât care how many black dinguses Lisa Lampanelli crams into her capacious vagina, sheâs not getting any filthier than that. Add to all this the fact that, in his time, William Shakespeare's name can be taken to mean "Penis Masturbation" and you've got yourself the reigning champion of genital references.
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