6 Reasons Online Dating Will Never Lead To Love

There was a time when the only services for online dating required you to pay money and, if I'm being honest, that was the golden age. Not because the services were actually super effective or because the guys on there were "better" than the free version you get from OkCupid, but because paying for a dating service requires commitment. Match.com (up to $42) and eHarmony (up to $60) cost more per month than if you invested that money into buying one Frank Zappa album every month for the next 16 years.

Wikipedia
Which you should totally do.

When paid sites were the only option, the people joining online dating sites were doing it because they were serious about finding someone they could date and hopefully marry. When free sites were introduced, the only people left paying were the ones whose memberships hadn't expired yet or who were more desperate to find a relationship partner than corporations are to connect to their target demographic on Twitter.

Twitter
Stop it.

Free sites have expanded to a point where, now, everyone has or had a profile on at least one of them. Suddenly, it became socially acceptable to have a profile on OkCupid or PlentyOfFish or even JDate. The free sites allowed "normal" people who weren't "desperate" enough to pay money to get the same experience, so you would think your chances of finding someone you actually like will increase. But, the sites are so inundated with people not looking for anything serious (because there's no financial commitment involved), you're still better off going to the dog park or a friend's party to meet people.

So, either you're an asshole for not remembering something boring or you're forced to dig deeper than an introductory meeting should require, and you wind up talking about mood killers such as tragic backstories or political views.

Even if you've read a person's profile a dozen times and texted or talked on the phone beforehand, a first date is still fundamentally a first date. You're still sitting across from a complete stranger trying to find out if you're compatible and attracted to each other. So, what do you talk about that both goes beyond the basic information on your profile without oversharing something that would normally be reserved for when you've gotten to know the person sitting across from you -- at least, enough to know he or she is probably not going to climb down your chimney?

I've noticed men who message me "Hello" instead of "Hi" or "Hey" tend to treat our communication like a business transaction where he fully expects a very obvious sequence of events. When "Hello" guys don't get a response or when I turn them down later in the conversation, they're the quickest to call me fat and ugly. OkCupid did their own research that shows fewer people respond to "Hello" than they do "Hi" or "Hey," in case you're interested in being paranoid about everything you say to anyone for the rest of your life.

Shalom Ormsby/Blend Images/Getty Images
"Hel ... he ... h ... hell."

It's not even that I just need to reset my dating parameters, either. I've cleared and re-answered my questions on OkCupid about three times (because your personality changes a lot over time!). Even doing that, trends still happen. It's just the demographics that change, if only slightly. That's pretty discouraging because isn't the whole point of online dating to help you find someone better matched to your personality than just picking at random?

Turns out -- not so much. Dating websites create algorithms that help weed out people with significantly different answers than you, but that just means you're finding more guys who have answered questions based on what they think a woman like you wants him to say.

Oinegue/iStock/Getty Images
"Why yes, I do like cuddling more than sex."

Also, the algorithm business is practically useless because those sites still put people who you aren't supposed to match with in your matches because it increases your chances of finding someone you like through their site. Basically, you resort to online dating because it narrows your preferences, but you're still picking almost completely at random. The whole process nullifies itself with its desire to give you a fair shot by putting you in an online version of going out to a bar in Crazytown.

First of all, what the actual fuck? That one's from OkCupid, and I just wanted you to know it exists. Most of the questions are more like this:

Do you consider yourself adventurous?

Strongly Agree

Somewhat Agree

Don't Know

Somewhat Disagree

Strongly Disagree

That opens up a number of problems, including how you interpret these broad questions and your limitations on picking something that exactly fits your opinions. Sure, you can fill out an understandable and non-terrifying explanation for why you would absolutely be down to squeal like a dolphin during sex, but the algorithms in place don't factor in your explanations.

Paul Katz/Photodisc/Getty Images
They wouldn't matter anyway, perv.

The definition of "adventurous" varies from person to person, too. For some (like myself), it's deciding to take the streets instead of freeways home or buying sushi from the grocery store display on a Monday. For others, it's squealing like a dolphin unprompted during sex, scaling a mountain without gear, and then rounding out the weekend by taking LSD with Alice Cooper and slaying imaginary drug dragons.

Here's a fun anecdote: I once went to a football game with a guy from an online dating website (because I'm the type of person with pretty flimsy moral boundaries when it comes to free tickets to see my team play). Before the game started, I told my date I was going to call my grandpa because his favorite team was playing, and he would like knowing I was at the game.

Lite Productions/Lite Productions/Getty Images
"The seats are great, and the stranger I'm with probably won't even murder me!"

While on the phone with my grandpa, my date made a call. I finished my call first and overheard my date say, "I'll talk to you when I get home." During halftime, he went to get food, and I received a text from him that said, "Sorry, I said I'd talk when I got home, she was sitting right next to me. She's heavier than anticipated." He came back looking hilariously mortified at his mistake and later tried having a "Hey, buddy..." chat with me about how he "sometimes says things the wrong way."

You may be wondering if I catfished this guy, and the answer is a hearty no. I didn't use any magic angles on my photos or post anything from years earlier. It was genuine to how I looked in real life at the time. My point is this: Even the most genuine photos and profiles still don't show you everything you'll get in a face-to-face meeting, and it's not because the owner of that profile is deliberately tricking you into seeing a better version of themselves.

Christopher Robbins/Photodisc/Getty
"No filter!"

It's pixels on a website instead of a real person. You're a fool to think a handpicked photo will be exactly the same as a 3-D human being who moves and talks and farts. Also, I told a girl sitting next to me what happened, word moved quickly, and one guy cheering for the team I was cheering against offered to kick my date's ass in the parking lot for me. So, there's that.

And as far as actual catfishing goes, dude, it takes two minutes to reverse Google image search a picture. If you don't do that, it's because some part of you wants to get catfished.

People join a site such as Tumblr to find and share their interests they feel not enough of their Facebook friends like or to share their feelings they feel more comfortable with strangers knowing than people who could use those feelings against them. You're not filling out structured personality quizzes or rating profiles. Instead, you're following accounts that post things you like and, with the freedom of anonymity blogging affords, you can share your interests and feelings with strangers who followed you because they dig the cut of your jib without having to worry if your Great Aunt Helen is going to bring it up at Thanksgiving dinner.

Lisa Kyle Young/iStock/Getty Images
"I wanted to bite my tongue, but I just can't ... I really disagree with your stance on Gamergate."

Since recordkeeping first started, the Groundhog's Day weather predictions from our buddy Punxsutawney Phil have only been right 39 percent of the time -- that's the statistical equivalent of completely random. If you sign up for online dating expecting to find love, your chances are even worse than that (remember that one in five?). For many people, online dating works because they stuck it out long enough to write an insightful web series about their trials and tribulations. It's not online dating that lands you a spouse, but the commitment to put yourself out there and meet people.

For more from Talia, check out 4 Harsh Realities About Working at a Thrift Store. Also, check out 4 Things I Learned from the Worst Online Dating Profile Ever.

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