So a couple years back, I mentioned in a column that due to one of my many personality defects, I had been accepting every single Facebook friend request -- including those from people I'd never met before. At the time, I was kind of tickled; it seemed like a real validation of all the time I'd sunk into this online asshattery. And, posted as it was on one of the Internet's leading comedy and animal husbandry tip websites, that column reached a fairly large audience, and over the next year or so, my friends list quickly bloomed. The loneliness and isolation which had filled my life started to ebb, and I found myself functioning better in society. "I am using the bus," I would say proudly, using the bus. "Yes you are," the bus driver would respond with a smile. And so it went. Until one dark night last year, when I defriended them all. I went through that friends list with a scythe, casting out anyone who I hadn't worked with, or gotten drunk with, or fantasized about getting drunk with. I was ruthless, just totally not caring what effect this might have on my suddenly Bucholz-less non-friends. So if there was a wave of really bad poetry sweeping the Internet last spring, I guess you have me to blame. I had reasons for this, although I didn't get in to any of them at the time. I guess I was worried about sounding like one of those paranoid delusional privacy freaks, ranting about corporations with aluminum foil wrapped around my cock.
Instead, I wanted to sound like this.
This guy's sowing his seed with a kind of sashaying motion, which will be the mandatory technique in the new Bucholz World Order.
It didn't work is what I'm saying.
This is the one I'm thinking of.
Never gonna get tired of this joke, so don't even bother complaining.
This is the opposite of what I've got.
Like this, but instead of a cute frog standing nearby, there's a thousand vultures blotting out the sun.
For more on Facebooking (and other sites), check out 6 Things Social Networking Sites Need to Stop Doing. And get some more from Bucholz in The 25 Most Baffling Toys From Around the World.
Update From the Year 2012: Bucholz has gotten less terrified of human contact! Make him reconsider that by Liking His Facebook page or Following Him On Twitter!