Even weed-hating Forbes referred to the wave of legalization in Washington and Colorado as a revolution. But the people calling pot's few regional victories a "revolution" are forgetting that legalization in two states had no significant impact on total national arrest rates for marijuana. Texas must have decided to pick up the slack, or something.
Remember when Portland, Maine, legalized pot? That didn't change Maine's state laws, and cops can still arrest Porlandees for weed. The closest thing we had to a "marijuana revolution" this year isn't something smokers would welcome. Behold the Nasal Ranger, a device that can pick up the odor of weed at a distance, rendering even your naggest of champas useless.
Just hang a dead skunk out in front of your house every day. Camouflage, bitches.
The Miley Cyrus Revolution
2013's been either the best or the worst year on record for Miley's publicist. Which term you use depends on whether you consider that twerking thing a brilliantly successful attention grab or a terrible slide into madness. Either way, Miley Cyrus is a goddamn revolution. Read Forbes and she's a branding revolution.
Forbes shows up a lot on this list. That's because they're fucking terrible.
Listen to Perez Hilton or Glamour and she's launched a style revolution.
And yet I almost never see women out in public humping giant foam fingers.
What everyone's sure of is there's something revolutionary about this girl, because everyone's talking about her, and "revolution" is a word we've decided means "something we're all suddenly SUPER interested in." She obviously can't be just another famous person who's changed her image, because then we'd all be shallow dicks for obsessing over her.
MTV declared Miley herself a revolution, citing twerking as her Declaration of Independence. Because a teen pop star breaking bad is revolutionary, and not something nearly 100 percent of them do.
Bill Greenblatt / Hulton Archive / Getty
That whole "not wearing panties in the back of a limo" thing was, what, Britney's Bill of Rights?
Robert Evans is Cracked's head of Dick Joke Journalism. He also manages the article captions and heads up the workshop moderator team. If you'd like to tell him a story or give him lots of money, he can be reached here.
Related Reading: OK, so all these revolutions are dumb as hell. But here's a list of revolutions that created the modern world. If utterly failed revolutions are more your milieu, read about the disastrous NYU food court occupation. Close out your studies with a look at revolutionary war myths everyone believes.