Because the mass of something is proportional to its volume, while its strength is proportional to the cross-sectional area, a giant robot -- a giant anything -- will eventually become so big that it can't support its own weight. There would be similar problems with the power supply, plumbing, and heat dissipation. Basically, the humanoid form we all know and love only really works if it's about yea big.

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Where "yea" is about as big as you are. I'll assume you're sucking in your stomach.

Sure, if you get one of these robots thanks to a genie or captive wizard, many of these problems would be magicked away. But not all of them. All your robot's weight would be resting on two relatively tiny feet, which would send you plummeting into the ground with every step. Imagine wading through a swampy field after a hard rain -- the kind of thing you lose a shoe in. That's what even the most basic stroll in your giant robot would be like. Walking in a built-up area, on concrete and asphalt, might help a bit, but that's going to wreck the roads. And raise the stakes. Because then, even the smallest mistake will lead to a car getting crushed or just the worst day ever at a petting zoo.

Speaking of animal problems ...

And although that might sound funny, it will prove to be more than a small nuisance for you. Birds don't like people hanging around their nests, attacking and dive-bombing anyone who approaches. Unless you're planning on garaging your giant robot, for three or four months out of each year, you'll find it almost unusable, and also quite a bit more shit-caked than normal.

What this means for you, as the only person in the area with a giant robot, is a dramatic increase in the number of pranks you'll suffer at the hand of local youths. You'll be going about your business commuting or saving the world, and hear them whispering and mocking you and gigglingly speculating about what you're compensating for.

Pixabay
Your misshapen genitals, that's what.

And along with the jokes, they'll vandalize you, stone you, and trip you with the ropes and knots that all teens love. And they'll laugh and laugh, seeing your giant robot flounder around in the drainage behind the Walmart parking lot, like it's all a big joke to them.

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Would it be funnier if you could see the robot crying? It would? SHUT UP.

... fuck it. Punt that dude across the river. No, the big river. How's that for distance from your fellow man, asshole?

And then there's the very real possibility that you'll be summoned to help with problems the government can't be bothered to deal with themselves. Civilians trapped in high floodwaters? Send in the guy with the giant robot. Aliens attacking the city? Have the giant robot guy take care of it. Teens? Robot guy again.

Wikimedia Commons
"The whole country thanks you for what you're doing to those teens, giant robot guy."

But as mentioned, there's a good chance at some point, the government will send you to the Middle East to preserve our freedom. At minimum, you'll likely be the first one called when a lizard wades out of the sea. At which point you'll find out there's a problem with giant robots which most giant-robot-themed works tend to ignore: They would suck at fighting.

To explain why, have a look at this picture of a tank.

Wikimedia Commons
Rad. We should do this more often.

See how it's crawled up a slight incline? And has stopped just behind a pile of dirt and rocks? That's called a defilade, or hull-down position, and means it can shoot things while those things can't shoot it. It's part of the reason tanks have that particular low-profile shape instead of the profile of the goddamned Jolly Green Giant.

So don't get a giant robot. They can't fight or walk, and they'd get tripped up by teens and regulations, and destroyed by Ewoks. Really, the only upside is the ability to punt motorists across the river and ...

... it'd still be worth it, wouldn't it?

Brett Mulcahy/iStock
Eat it, motorist.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and enemy of teens everywhere. As the author of the amazing novels Freeze/Thaw and Severance, he thinks you should definitely go buy both of those now. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

See why Hollywood fails at robots in 5 Awesome Movie Robots with Inexcusable Design Flaws and find out why robots are a great big pile of suck in 8 Classic Movie Robots That Actually Suck at Their Job.

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