5

Nesting Birds

Giant robots are, by definition, giant. And robots.

jdrv/iStock
"You are, therefore you are, Tautology-Bot!"

That means they're tall, and have many nooks and crannies and other warm, flat surfaces. The types of places birds love to situate their nests. In the spring especially, you'll find your robot to be incredibly popular with nesting birds looking for a place to fuck.

Les Chatfield via Wikimedia Commons
Scraw.

And although that might sound funny, it will prove to be more than a small nuisance for you. Birds don't like people hanging around their nests, attacking and dive-bombing anyone who approaches. Unless you're planning on garaging your giant robot, for three or four months out of each year, you'll find it almost unusable, and also quite a bit more shit-caked than normal.

4

Teens Constantly Trying To Trip You

There's something about the process of turning into a functioning human being which requires you to spend a few years as a self-centered asshole. This is typically known as "the teenage years," and is marked by an increase in lip, a worsening taste in music, and, most troubling of all, horseplay.

Eugenio Marongiu/iStock
Knock it off, you troublesome teens.

What this means for you, as the only person in the area with a giant robot, is a dramatic increase in the number of pranks you'll suffer at the hand of local youths. You'll be going about your business commuting or saving the world, and hear them whispering and mocking you and gigglingly speculating about what you're compensating for.

Pixabay
Your misshapen genitals, that's what.

And along with the jokes, they'll vandalize you, stone you, and trip you with the ropes and knots that all teens love. And they'll laugh and laugh, seeing your giant robot flounder around in the drainage behind the Walmart parking lot, like it's all a big joke to them.

CYCLONEPROJECT/iStock
Would it be funnier if you could see the robot crying? It would? SHUT UP.

3

Distance You From Your Fellow Man

There's something about being behind the wheel of a car which makes it a little harder to relate to other motorists as human beings. We don't see another driver as a person rushing to pick up their child, or someone distracted by a bad day at work; they're just the blue car that didn't signal, or the black SUV with the guy perched on the hood while playing a flaming guitar.

Brett Mulcahy/iStock
This guy's probably on his way to the orphanage, for example.

Increasing the distance between yourself and everyone else makes it easier to dehumanize them. We see a similar effect with internet trolls or military pilots. And that's going to be an issue when you're 50 feet above everyone. Yes they'll be weaker than you, and have less value as human beings than you, but you can't let that affect your judgment and foot placement, because ...

Brett Mulcahy/iStock
DID THAT GUY JUST GIVE YOU THE FINGER?

... fuck it. Punt that dude across the river. No, the big river. How's that for distance from your fellow man, asshole?

2

The Government, Man

The government doesn't have a lot of regulations pertaining to the use of giant robots, but you can bet that will change pretty soon after you knock down your first set of high-tension power lines. Expect constant pestering about the damage you do to the roads, and the traffic lights you keep tripping over, and all the teens who have gone mysteriously missing.

IdealPhoto30/iStock
THEIR BODIES AREN'T IN THE DITCH BEHIND THE WALMART PARKING LOT, WE CAN ALL BE PRETTY SURE ABOUT THAT.

1

Combat Effectiveness

Now, maybe you don't plan on using your giant robot for combat, you liar. Of course you are. As soon as you get into a giant robot, you know you'll be going after everyone who called you small or knocked a stack of books out of your hands.

Dule Zidar/iStock
WHO'S A BIG MAN NOW, DAD?

But as mentioned, there's a good chance at some point, the government will send you to the Middle East to preserve our freedom. At minimum, you'll likely be the first one called when a lizard wades out of the sea. At which point you'll find out there's a problem with giant robots which most giant-robot-themed works tend to ignore: They would suck at fighting.

To explain why, have a look at this picture of a tank.

Wikimedia Commons
Rad. We should do this more often.

See how it's crawled up a slight incline? And has stopped just behind a pile of dirt and rocks? That's called a defilade, or hull-down position, and means it can shoot things while those things can't shoot it. It's part of the reason tanks have that particular low-profile shape instead of the profile of the goddamned Jolly Green Giant.

So don't get a giant robot. They can't fight or walk, and they'd get tripped up by teens and regulations, and destroyed by Ewoks. Really, the only upside is the ability to punt motorists across the river and ...

... it'd still be worth it, wouldn't it?

Brett Mulcahy/iStock
Eat it, motorist.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and enemy of teens everywhere. As the author of the amazing novels Freeze/Thaw and Severance, he thinks you should definitely go buy both of those now. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

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