And then there's the very real possibility that you'll be summoned to help with problems the government can't be bothered to deal with themselves. Civilians trapped in high floodwaters? Send in the guy with the giant robot. Aliens attacking the city? Have the giant robot guy take care of it. Teens? Robot guy again.
"The whole country thanks you for what you're doing to those teens, giant robot guy."
Now, maybe you don't plan on using your giant robot for combat, you liar. Of course you are. As soon as you get into a giant robot, you know you'll be going after everyone who called you small or knocked a stack of books out of your hands.
WHO'S A BIG MAN NOW, DAD?
But as mentioned, there's a good chance at some point, the government will send you to the Middle East to preserve our freedom. At minimum, you'll likely be the first one called when a lizard wades out of the sea. At which point you'll find out there's a problem with giant robots which most giant-robot-themed works tend to ignore: They would suck at fighting.
To explain why, have a look at this picture of a tank.
Rad. We should do this more often.
See how it's crawled up a slight incline? And has stopped just behind a pile of dirt and rocks? That's called a defilade, or hull-down position, and means it can shoot things while those things can't shoot it. It's part of the reason tanks have that particular low-profile shape instead of the profile of the goddamned Jolly Green Giant.
So don't get a giant robot. They can't fight or walk, and they'd get tripped up by teens and regulations, and destroyed by Ewoks. Really, the only upside is the ability to punt motorists across the river and ...
... it'd still be worth it, wouldn't it?
Eat it, motorist.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and enemy of teens everywhere. As the author of the amazing novels Freeze/Thaw and Severance, he thinks you should definitely go buy both of those now. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
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