6

He Would Sleep With His Grandmother

The first thing Hitler would do with a time machine would be to have sex with his own grandmother. He would have a few reasons for this, of course, including a rudimentary understanding of genetics, a desire to create a more pure version of himself, and a lingering attraction to his grandmother.

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"Nein, Adolf, ee ist nicht gut."

Immediately feeling "wiser" after the deed was committed and concluding it a success, Hitler would set to his next task.

5

He Would Sleep With Your Grandmother

Considering you, the assassin from time, his greatest threat, he would of course desire to humiliate you in the deepest way possible: by sleeping with your grandmother.

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Which is why time travelers must never travel into the past with a series of dated and addressed pictures of their Nona.

4

He Would Try To Win The War

Eventually though (and he's got time), Hitler would get around to the winning the war. With access to a time machine, this would seem to be trivial. Every time Hitler would come to a pivotal moment in the war, he could jump forward a few weeks to find out what he did and see how it turned out. If it didn't work, he would try something else. Suddenly, every gambit he tried would be a success and every strategy a masterpiece. Even with his propensity for harebrained schemes, the Allies wouldn't stand a chance against a Hitler with 20/20 foresight. Although it's hard to say precisely how this would turn out ...

Vasily Bodnar/Hemera/Getty Images
I would check, but my own time machine is broken at the moment.

... it likely would involve not engaging the Soviet Union when he did, doing more to delay America's entry into the war, or installing chain guns on his arms to get the jump on that assassin in the basement of Castle Wolfenstein.

ID Software
Or at least taking the time to hire a better architect.

3

He Would Find The ArK Of The Covenant

If Hitler had access to a time machine -- and, at this point, we should probably presume that he has access to several -- he could travel back to the past and uncover any Christian artifact he should desire: the ArK of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, the Spear of Destiny, whatever he wants.

Ministry/Warner Bros.
Jesus' hotrod.

2

He Would Go To The Future

Eventually, Hitler would clue into the fact that if he wanted something with magical abilities, he would have to turn his time machine around and head in the opposite direction. Sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic, which means that, instead of an ancient grail, all Hitler needed to do was travel to the future and rip the Smart-Cup out of someone's hands.

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Featuring eternal life and 802.11n Wi-Fi connectivity.

1

He Would Get Caught

Eventually, of course, Hitler will reach a point in the future where everyday consumer technology is incredibly dangerous in the hands of a maniac.

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The iPhone 12, let's say.

Fortunately for us and the entire metaverse, before he reaches that point, he'll have to travel past the point where time travel was invented. In an era where time travel is known and even commonplace, they would have all sorts of policies and procedures to deal with people like Hitler showing up. With technologies capable of detecting incoming time-sojourners, they would see him coming and arrest him on the spot. One imagines that every couple of days or so, the people of the future have to deal with Hitlers arriving from the infinitude of the multiverse.

The exact fate of Hitler is a little hard to determine at this point, depending a lot on the attitudes and moral framework the people of the future have. Given the sheer quantity of Hitlers they probably have showing up though, one imagines they would tire of imprisoning them, which is why most leading Hitler time-travel experts believe he would be fed into a time chipper.

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It sounds nicer than it is.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist in many branches of the multiverse. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

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