5

The Boob Tree

I think I may have been 5 or 6 the first time I saw the movie The Last Unicorn, so none of this is my fault. As a kid, you're always mere inches away from Forrest Gumping into something amazing, or getting your head stuck in a banister. It's the luck of the draw, and your choices mean nothing because you're a kid and you suck. Anyway, look at this:

That's a scene in which the magician Schmendrick makes a tree come to life and it turns out to be rocking some F cups in which she encases the poor Jewish wizard. Being smothered by massive oak boobies seemed like an awesome idea to me when I was a kid, so this was always my favorite scene of the movie. Honestly, even now, the theory behind my love of this still seems sound. I would do this if I thought I could get away with it without anyone knowing. Plus, you know, I'd need wizard skills. And, in fairness, if I had wizard skills I could probably find any number of more satisfying ways to use them, but we're not here to poke holes in my shameful fantasies.

The thing about being a kid is that tree titties are appealing even if the tree itself seems to be the wooden version of Angela Lansbury, which should be enough to put anyone off no matter how busty it is, but whatever, I probably ate paint and stuff back then, too, what did I know?

4

Cheetara

I'm not insane, Cheetara was naked in the first episode of Thundercats, right? Look at this:

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3

April O'Neil

This story is much more of a tragic romance than the first three, so maybe get yourself some tissues. Like different ones from the fapping tissues. Like any normal boy, I watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and, of course, had plans to be one, which would afford me a luxurious lifestyle of pizza and kicking ass while chilling in a shitty sewer. It would be a fairly simple transition from schoolboy to ninja turtle, and it would be mostly facilitated by my knowledgeable rat master. There wasn't much to worry about. And the big upside to this was April O'Neil, intrepid reporter and super hot redhead who took it upon herself to wear a skintight yellow jumpsuit every day of her life. Meow.

2

The Golden Girls

Don't you fuckin' judge me! I don't want anyone running off to Twitter talking about how Ian Fortey got his first boner thanks to Bea Arthur, because that's a half truth at best. Unlike the other entries in this list, it wasn't so much that there was a particular Golden Girl who my addled, child brain had somehow rationalized into a sex symbol; even when my body was devoid of all male hormones completely, I wasn't that insane. It was just that, and I don't know if you noticed this, The Golden Girls was the nastiest damn show on TV. And it featured a bunch of grandmas, so no one seemed to give a shit that right in prime time every episode was about a bunch of post-menopausal sluttery. And good for them for being strong female characters in charge of their own sexuality and yadda snore zzzz, but there were even episodes in which Sophia got her nasty on. Sophia, who was so old that her vagina could only be opened by a team of skilled men led by Howard Carter and is rumored to have killed half of them with a terrible curse as they excavated it for the gold and ancient treasures hidden therein by long-dead pharaohs.

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1

Peg Bundy

To this day I would do Peg Bundy so nasty, I should be ashamed of myself. But of course I'm incapable of shame, which is why I write Internet comedy. Married With Children was one of Fox's big hits in the realm of raunch and was a flagstone in the curious dichotomy of ultra conservative news coverage vs. ultra lowbrow comedy, as though neither was aware the other was on the same network.

Back when I first saw Married With Children, I'd never seen a mom character like Peg before. She wore skintight pants and had giant red hair and was always horny. Honestly, I couldn't fathom anything else I would ever need in life. A lot of guys may have been infatuated with Kelly Bundy, but I was a hardcore Peg fan.

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Thinkin' about our future together? Yeah, me too.

I have vague memories of being in my early teens and thinking that the wondrous simplicity of a woman who wanted to eat bonbons, watch TV and bone was like some kind of paradise on Earth. Plus she seemed to have fairly stately cleavage at a time when there wasn't a ton of appealing boobs on TV that I could watch without drawing suspicion. In point of fact, I was constantly afraid that any boner I got would set off some kind of silent alarm and alert my parents, friends and teachers to its presence. And worse, maybe it was happening wrong, so everyone would look at it and it'd be incorrect in some way. Like maybe it was really supposed to be a spiral and mine was all dipshitty and wrong. I didn't know. Shut up.

Point is, Peg Bundy was probably the first and most appropriately named MILF. Don't go to the comments and tell me you wanted to screw Edith Bunker, I don't give a shit about your mental illness. I'm just saying that before Peg, not a lot of TV moms were overtly sexual in a way that could warp a young mind, so she deserves credit for that.

For more from Ian, check out The 10 Worst Places to Get Caught Having Sex and History's 7 Most Astounding Sexual Resumes.