Ever gotten one of those Nigerian scam emails? I remember being so stoked the first time I got one. I had read, only weeks earlier, Dean Cameron's Nigerian Spam Scam Scam and suddenly my inbox was presenting me with my very own opportunity to become a legend of Internet comedy. This was, of course, many years ago, before I became the legend of Internet comedy I am today and the one I briefly was in 2009 when I tried to restart WebVan.com as a home bourbon and Russian bride delivery service. Long story short, my efforts to scam the scammer with a hilariously crafted email response to their grab for money netted me a response that simply said "fuck you."

Unlike me, Marvin Ray Thomas was all over the Nigerian scam when his Nubian princess Jenni came a-calling and asking if he wouldn't mind setting up a simple yet effective money order scheme to defraud strangers and send the proceeds to her so that she could save up enough to come to America and marry him, her being what was likely an overweight African man named Nigel wearing khakis and a 1999 Atlanta Braves World Series Champs T-shirt. Thomas proceeded to mail fake money orders to people around the U.S. asking them to cash them on behalf of his totally legit business, send the bulk of the money back to him, and keep a little for their trouble. It was the kind of offer no one could resist, unless they had a measureable IQ. Sadly, lots of people fell for it to the tune of more than $20,000, which is a pretty impressive tune. It's not like Neil Sedaka, but easily Jon Secada. Google them, this article's not going anywhere.

The thing about asking people to cash fake money orders is that it's illegal. If there's no money behind that money order, then you're stealing. So police caught on to Thomas' scam and went to his house not once but twice to let him know that this manner of behavior was frowned upon and that Jenni probably had a penis that had no interest in putting a ring on. Despite this, Thomas couldn't see how a total stranger from Africa who was having him commit massive mail fraud could be deceiving him, so he kept doing it until police could facepalm no longer and had to indict him.

Have you ever been arrested? I have never been charged with anything, although once I was detained after a minor incident involving the excessive consumption of some fun time libations and the alleged hurdling of a fence into a neighbor's yard followed by some urination into the azaleas. As if that's an issue the police have time to address. Did you know we have counterfeit pants being sold on street corners? Priorities, people.

It's worth noting that, if you ever are arrested, there are some rules you want to follow to make the process go smoothly. Not the official rules, like your rights or any of that crap. I mean the unwritten rules of a run-in with law enforcement. For instance, a big unwritten rule of being arrested is to never tell the arresting officer how you're innocent and he can call his mom for your alibi since you spent all night poking her in the chops. Another solid rule is that, in the process of being charged with one crime, try not to admit to any crimes the police aren't aware of, and especially don't actually commit another crime while in custody.

Jeffrey John Pollock was not aware of the rules of being arrested when his ex called police to get him out of her house. Pollock tried to defend himself by saying he wasn't committing a crime, he lived in the house. The responding officer, as luck would have it, had responded to a call a few months earlier and had actually helped Pollock move. Oops.

Resigned to his fate, Pollock asked for a favor before he was taken to prison. He had brought a briefcase with him and wanted to make sure he had it when he left, as it was pretty important. It was full of cash, and lord knows you don't want to leave your briefcase of cash laying around. The police asked Pollock if they could look at his briefcase full of cash, and he said no. Then they asked again later, and he said yes. So they did. And it was full of cash. And the cannabis. Which netted him a possession charge, plus a charge of introduction of marijuana to a detention facility, which is actually a thing. Oops.

In this particular case, 18-year-old Lauren Fagen loved lions. Go on, finish the story in your head, because you're almost guaranteed to get the majority of the details right. Raised on lead paint chips and thin oxygen, Lauren was at a wildlife rehab facility in South Africa (not quite a zoo, but the idea is the same) where she had told people she felt an affinity with big cats and really wanted to hug one. This is much like my affinity for fire and my desire to mouth love it that I overcame one Fourth of July in a moment that isn't worth relating to you here but taught me a valuable lesson about life and lip skin.

Fagen was attempting to kiss a male lion through a cage when the lion itself realized it needed to help cleanse the gene pool for the sake of future generations and did its best to maul her, resulting in some deep flesh wounds from fangs and claws across her legs and feet.