What We Have To Do
Tell the kids about the Sledgehammer Goblin. Unlike the other beasts on this list, the Sledgehammer Goblin doesn't wait for you to fuck up. He's always there, always watching from the shadows. His eyes are deep pools of matte black. His hair is dark and wiry, stretched thin across a glistening scalp. His flesh is the mottled green of week-old chocolate pudding. And he has a sledgehammer.
The "Never On Time" Satyr
We all know what Satyrs are, right? Just look 'em up. I'm kinda running out of mythological creatures here.
Look, timeliness may not seem like it's a major problem, like environmentalism or figuring out what Harry, Liam, Louis, and Niall are going to do without Zayn, but it's still a big deal, because it pisses me off. The movie starts in five minutes, Larry, where the fuck are you? Well, it turns out Larry might suffer from a lack of perceived self-worth. Larry doesn't think I really care about him, so he has to be late and make me adjust my plans accordingly to remind himself how much he matters to me as a friend. He's struggling to control the situation by refusing to arrive when he's supposed to, and he might actually have a legitimately different understanding of how time works. Like a lot of annoying personality flaws, chronic lateness is actually sad when you really look into it. I feel only pity for Larry now.
Which is why I wish I could travel back in time, meet baby Larry, and scare the shit out of him with stories about horse demons.
Scare The Shit Out Of Him With Stories About Horse Demons
The Chronic Lateness Satyr, like the Clickbait Gremlin, will fuck with your possessions so that they lie to you. If you're installing a new piece of software on your computer, the Satyr will reroute the encryption matrix so that the "Time Left" indicator counts up. In your car, he'll set the fuel light to go on after you run out of gas. He will immediately sabotage any pregnancy test or birth control you buy, making it laughably, woefully unreliable.
Wow. Wow. That last one seems really mean. Satyrs are dicks.
The "Tries To Make A Big Deal Out Of Nothing" Ghost
Beatrix Boros/iStock/Getty Images
Hey, did you know that Trevor Noah, the new Daily Show host, made some offensive and bad jokes four years ago? And that the guy who landed that spaceship on a comet wore a sexist shirt to work? And that gamers' personal rights are being infringed upon by the gaming media, somehow? And that men don't even have human rights anymore? And that no one knows what's next for Zayn Malik? Sure seems like there's a lot to be angry about. How does anyone have time to research this shit?
"Hey!" some of you are saying, "That's not fair -- some of those things are real things to get angry about, and others are just silly issues that some people got mad about for no reason!" Really? Which ones? And how could you tell? This is kind of a problem, because from the outside -- as someone who isn't personally offended by any of those things -- I have no fucking idea how to tell which ones are real and which ones are just people looking for attention. And I don't have enough time to research each one. I do a lot of stuff, ya know? I'm a busy guy.
James Woodson/Digital Vision/Getty Images
Which is why I'm forced to take frequent naps and binge-meditate.
Decades ago, I'd have argued that the most important person in the country was the protester -- the person willing to stand up for what they believed in, even if it meant mockery or a destroyed livelihood and reputation. These days, I feel like outrage and protest is what we do on our phones while we're sitting on the toilet. Getting pissed off at something isn't how you change the world; it's how you get Twitter followers. And that fucking blows. So you know what we should do? We should sic a ghost on them.
We Should Sic A Ghost On Them
The "Make A Big Deal Out Of Nothing" Ghost is really insidious, even by the frankly absurd standards for insidiousness I've previously set: He sneaks into your cell phone and your laptop and turns on notifications ... for everything. New tweet in your Twitter feed? "Hooked On A Feeling" will start playing, and you won't be able to turn it off. New email? "Blinded By The Light." The whole song, start to finish. And every time you get a text or phone call ... well, I'm sorry to say this, but it's "Don't Stop Believing." Nothing in your life will ever be proportionate ever again. God help you.
JF Sargent is an editor and columnist for Cracked with a new article every Tuesday. You can follow him on Twitter and Facebook if you're into that kind of thing.
For more from Sarge, check out 7 Famous Movies That Got Tiny Details Absolutely Perfect and 4 Movie Heroes Everyone Pretends Aren't Psychopaths .
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