6 Movies Aimed At Kids (With Scenes That Definitely Weren't)

Watching As An Adult:

Tinker Bell is the most useless character in Peter Pan. She's so useless that the original actor to portray her in the play was a light bulb. Watching this movie makes me miss the light bulb. The light bulb had integrity. The light bulb had class.

Uh-oh, Tinker Bell is trapped in a lock. GOOD. Now we get a nice long shot of Tinker Bell's mystical butt as she shakes it until her skirt flips up, exposing her underwear. She's really twerking up a storm in there. The rest of the movie, which is mainly about a one-handed crocodile attack survivor's quest to kill an immortal boy, stops to show us this important action, and it looms over Tinker Bell like a mouth-breathing creep until she manages to gyrate herself to freedom. What is the point of this? How is Tinker Bell so inept that the only way she can escape a drawer is to perform the 2 p.m. show at a Tampa strip club?

Now that I realize someone had to animate that scene, I wonder how awkward it was for the Disney executive who had to decide how much cheek Tinker Bell's underwear should cover. Is there a memo from 1952 floating around the Disney offices titled "Why I Think We Can Get Away With A Thong, Walt"?

Watching As An Adult:

Huh, this song just kind of keeps going, doesn't it? Oh right, this is the part where Esmeralda dances. Wow, her boobs look pretty cool in that dress. Well what do you know, there are only men in that audience. Everyone looks pretty excited. There she goes climbing into that creepy old man's lap. And now she's grabbing a spear ... hold on ... is she using that spear to pole dance? She's doing a bodacious striptease pole dance while the men in the audience are cheering and whistling her on!? When did Hunchback become a Motley Crue video?

Walt Disney Pictures

It's worth mentioning that Esmeralda's little bawdy-naughty dance provokes Frollo's lust boner so bad that it threatens to end lives and writes songs. "Hellfire" is an ode to his creepy murder-man fuck desires, featuring classic Disney lyrics like "If you don't go to the bone-zone with me, you hot gypsy pole-dancing temptress, I will literally burn down the goddamn city." As Cracked editor Josh Sargent pointed out, Disney probably completely intended for Esmeralda's pole dance to mirror a striptease, as the Demi Moore film conveniently titled Striptease was released in the same year as Hunchback. Since Demi also played Esmeralda, this was possibly a wink and nod to the adult half of the audience. That's right, Disney added a scene to The Hunchback Of Notre Dame to remind people of a movie called Striptease, which is like adding a girl dancing on a bar to Beauty And The Beast to remind people that Coyote Ugly was once a thing.

Luckily, it cuts away before things get really X-rated in Farquaad's boudoir. Shrek is a movie rife with parody, but the only possible reason to show Farquaad's palm prom preparation is so that adults in the audience can meet each other's eyes and have a nice knowing chuckle about how in a world absent of internet porn, a magic mirror is the next-best thing.

Watching As An Adult:

So wait, in the wild west, "singer" is synonymous with "prostitute"? What in the hell is going on here, and why is there a tough-talking curvy old whore-cat with big luscious kitty titties? Hot damn, even her sentient perfume has its own sex drive!

Universal Pictures

And why am I seeing so damn much of this cat's thigh? Are they serious? Why didn't they just cut the shit and call her Miss Pussy instead? Yup, keep caking on that makeup and telling me the "real woman is behind the mask." That's pleasant. Now go show those cowboys your parachute underwear!

Universal Pictures

"Yuck, they were kissing. Oh god, did Mom see me watching them kissing? It's bad enough we saw two whole butts earlier, and now THIS? She totally knows I saw them kissing, and she's probably going to want to talk about my blossoming body and I don't want to be a woman yet. I just want to watch The Road To El Dorado and drink Capri Sun, Mom! Maybe if I hold my breath long enough, that silly horse will come back on screen and we can all forget about this, and I can go back to ruling puberty with an iron fist."

DreamWorks Animation

Watching As An Adult:

Why is Chel way less dressed than all the other women in the city? It feels like she's supposed to be wearing some kind of cultural garb, but everyone else is in sundresses. Any other woman could go to lunch at a modern Applebee's and nobody would think they were from an ancient gold-based society. Chel's outfit feels very male-gazey, although to be fair, this cartoon has more male nudity than a Chippendales calendar. Remember, I saw two whole butts.

How was this not my favorite movie as a kid? I think it may be the horniest children's movie I've ever seen. Wait a second, did Chel just give Tulio a blowjob? They're off-camera, presumably making out, but she definitely pops up from his waist. Somehow Tulio's mouth had to be free to yell, "WHOA!" So whatever they were doing, it definitely didn't involve his mouth. Also, no one pauses making out to yell "Whoa." Unless you're suddenly realizing that you're actually tongue-kissing a bear, shouting "Whoa!" is inhumanly strange.

DreamWorks Animation

Upon Sherlock Holmesing this scenario, I have decided that fellatio is the most plausible action being performed. Also, this movie rules. I'm going to have to text my mom and see if she remembers Chel sampling the sausage in front of my tiny baby eyes. Explain your way out of THAT one, Pam.

You know, for a girl without a mom who has never left the palace, Jasmine has a pretty twisted view of what "love" is. Where did she learn these swaggering sexpot flirting skills? How did she know how to make a throaty sex voice like that? Do they have Cinemax in Agrabah? Jafar said "love." Now she's hanging all over him, cooing in a honey-drip voice, and making out with a creepy old dude in front of her boyfriend. Where is she getting that this is how people in love act? Taking some liberties there, Jasmine. Some big, hard, thrusting liberties.

Walt Disney Pictures

Kind of makes me question the sort of "love" the original storyboard artist paid for. I mean, experienced.

You can fall desperately in love with Loryn and Lydia on Twitter.

Thankfully the Animaniacs will preserve your childhood innocence with--wait, they snuck in sex jokes too? Ok, what about Rugrats??

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