The glacier breaks open and the animals spring to life, because fuck science. If vicious brawling immediately followed, then fine. But noooooooo -- they quietly go their separate ways, because contrived human drama needs to happen. We bounce away from the newly resurrected Mega Shark and Giant Octopus and check in with Debbie, who just got fired because of an error with who gives a shit where is that Mega Shark!?!
Only occasionally do we get scenes of monsters destroying shit, such as when the shark leaps into the sky and eats an airplane.
Even then, the shark gets maybe 10 seconds of blurry screen time, while the passengers get crystal-clear focus and virtually all of the camera's attention.
Even the ones who spend every second proving they don't deserve it.
Also, raise your hand if you paid money to see a movie called Mega Shark vs. Standard Airplane. No? No one? OK, then move on, movie.
Finally, Gibson and pals conclude that the animals were fighting just before the big freeze and would likely do so again if lured back together. All this tells me is that a prequel where these two creatures fight and fight and fight sans human bullshit absolutely needs to be made. But that likely won't happen, since no humans equals no awkward sex scenes with washed-up pop stars.
"I've dreamed about this since your debut album."
"I was 17."
"Since your second album."
Once the monsters meet, their promised prizefight finally occurs. And almost immediately ends. After one minute of what I assume was a battle (the water's so murky, you can barely see anything), they wind up killing one another and sinking to the bottom of the sea. Thank God those jackasses are finally gone so the real stars of the movie can shine in all their pink fleshy glory.
"I told you we should have just done a small, indie, arthouse Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus movie.
Film it in France, maybe. Get away from all the Hollywood bullshit."