Or maybe the opposite is true. Maybe you are playing for goofs, and you can't figure out why everybody else is "being such a bunch of try-hards." Well, I'll tell you...
Why Everyone Hates You
If people are mad at you over this, you're probably playing with the wrong ones. The thing everyone forgets is that both attitudes are correct. Video games are a great way to try to indulge in goofy stunts. Half the fun of Grand Theft Auto is finding the wackiest way to explode highways. But competition is also fun! Taking video games seriously is no dumber than taking sports seriously -- in that it's very, very dumb, but come on, it's also fun, so shut up.
Just shutta ya face.
Unless, of course, you're playing the game wrong on purpose just to screw with people because the only way you can get enjoyment out of life is by destroying others. But if that's the case, nothing I say here will ever get through to you, because someone broke you long ago in a way that can't be fixed. All I can say is that I hope you find peace someday.
Finally, it's possible that you just kinda suck. Maybe you're new to this type of game. Maybe you're distracted by real-life stuff. Maybe you're having an off night, or maybe you're just not a very good gamer. Whatever the reason, you're making mistakes and throwing off everyone's juju all over the place. You're a dumpster fire, an atrocity against the concept of talent. You're a fart. A big, dumb fart. And that alone is ...
Why Everyone Hates You
But don't worry, because you're just paying your dues. Yes, you're going to be told to uninstall. To crawl under a rock and stop breathing. That your mother should've let the mailman talk her into having an abortion. That you're so goddamn stupid, it's amazing you haven't choked to death on your headset wire. That fingerpainting class is starting soon, and you don't want to be late. Also, a bunch of racist stuff -- no getting around that. You're going to hear a lot of racist stuff.
And every time that starts to happen, every time the corrosive bile and hatred of a thousand angry wankers starts to seep out of your headphones, I want you to remember it. Internalize it. Memorize the names of your abusers. Then take that anger, the defensiveness burning inside you, and channel it into improving. Stay up late. Sacrifice sleep and friendships to improve your gaming skills. Then track down your old opponents and kick their goddamn asses. Stand over their ruined, smoking corpses and say "Remember me?" and before they have a chance to answer, you teabag them. You teabag the goddamn hell out of that digital corpse. This is your moment. This is the moment that makes it all worth it. This is what it means to truly feel alive (while sitting on your couch playing make believe with a bunch of strangers).
Just make sure you stay out of my Overwatch games until then. I don't want any noobs trashing my ranking.
JF Sargent is a senior editor and columnist for Cracked.com. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.
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