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Jumping Frenchmen of Maine

Jumping Frenchmen of Maine is the extremely odd name for an extremely odd condition, which is essentially an unusual startle reflex. People who suffer from this condition exhibit jumpiness, shuddering and muscular and verbal tics. Even stranger is the inexplicable tendency to follow commands that are delivered suddenly. Some sufferers have been reported to throw knives across the room, simply because they've been asked to really abruptly.

The condition was first discovered among lumberjacks in Maine, and named by some incredibly literal-minded doctors. Given its rarity, no one's very sure of the cause, with most of the research apparently dedicated to finding out what were the best childish pranks to pull on the sufferers.

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It makes for just about the least sporting "Stop hitting yourself" games imaginable.

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Alice in Wonderland Syndrome

Alice in Wonderland syndrome is characterized by the sufferers experiencing both severe migraines and drastically incorrect perceptions of themselves and their surroundings. Classically, they often perceive objects and the rooms around them to be much bigger or smaller than they actually are. Similar sensations regarding sound and depth perception are also known to occur, the whole thing being not too dissimilar from what someone taking LSD might experience.

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"There's something wrong about this table. I want to say it looks more ... 'sevenish.' But that's not right. What do you think?"
"THE ROOM IS TOO SALTY. OH FUUUUUUUUUCK."

3

Foreign Accent Syndrome

Foreign accent syndrome describes a condition where the sufferers suddenly begin speaking in a foreign accent that they have no earthly business possessing. Caused by brain injuries or strokes, psychologists are pretty sure the sufferers aren't faking it, even if that's exactly what it sounds like is going on.

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"Right!? But no, seriously: we checked."

The Superhero: Mr. Pretentious

Using his incredible ability to sound slightly French, Mr. Pretentious has the power to immediately make anyone in a room hate him a little bit more.

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"What ees thees shhhit? Croshed grahp jooce?"

2

Alien Hand Syndrome

Alien hand syndrome is a little less cool than what it sounds like, but only a little. Although no actual aliens are involved, it does involve sufferers experiencing the sensation of their limbs having a mind of their own. Sufferers have reported their hands trying to choke them, tear at their clothes or simply punch them repeatedly.

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"C'est moi again! Oh, the indignities I have suffered for this column!"

People who suffer from AHS, as it's known, evidently still feel everything their limb is doing, but feel disassociated from its actions. Really, it's exactly the kind of thing people used to get burned as witches for, which is probably why it wasn't first documented until the 20th century, when society stopped doing that.

The Superhero: The Grabber

Most descriptions of AHS involve the alien limb acting destructively, but what if the hand was actually wiser and more heroic than the owner? What if the hand wanted to stop crime and defend the weak using ancient martial knowledge its owner knows nothing about?

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Or, just to harass women on public transit? Evil women, I guess.

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Kluver-Bucy Syndrome

Kluver-Bucy syndrome describes a condition where, after experiencing damage to a specific part of the brain, the victim suddenly finds himself, amongst other symptoms, desiring to indiscriminately have sex with things. This is classically illustrated by the case of a fellow trying to make love to a sidewalk, an act that I'm struggling to imagine was very tender.

The Superhero: The Bonelord

I'm not going to lie: I'm pretty fucking excited about the Bonelord, and will sue the hair off of anyone who infringes on this idea. Here's what I'm thinking:

By day the Bonelord is billionaire playboy John Johnson, known for his vast fortune in military research and the loose-fitting trousers he's never seen without. But, using his expertise and resources to craft a variety of weaponized... prosthetic... weapons, by night he transforms into the Bonelord, and goes forth to fuck crime.

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If two years from now the Bonelord isn't the star of the next big movie franchise, I will be pretty goddamned surprised. Sure, this will be a little hard to fit within the confines of a PG-13 rating, but with some clever editing, and the bulk of his on-screen crime-fucking left to inanimate objects only, I don't see how this is any worse than most comedies these days. And once you see the storyboard I've drawn of a dude fucking a bus in half, I'm sure you'll see the potential as well.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and is waiting for your call, Hollywood. Join him on Facebook or Twitter and gaze upon the other incredible things he has wrought.