5

Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2

Movies.film-cine.com

Synopsis: In a sequel to the first movie you never saw, four babies who can talk to each other and have all the worldly knowledge and skill of adults team up with a baby superhero to destroy Jon Voight's career.

Selling Point for Kids: Babies who can talk! Oh my God, it's so novel, why didn't anyone think of it sooner? I mean, anyone who wasn't involved in Look Who's Talking or Look Who's Talking Too. Anytime something talks that isn't supposed to talk, that's great! Ask a talking dildo.

Hatred on Display: I spent 15 minutes staring at the draft of this article in Word trying to think of a way to describe the scene I'm embedding. It features a cameo by Whoopi Goldberg and O-Town. Every time I started to make a joke, I got choked up, like when you see those terrible commercials with the Sarah McLachlan song and all the abused dogs. This scene is the most abused dog in this Sarah McLachlan song. It's so fucking ruined, it doesn't even know what's wrong. It wants to be loved for just a moment, and all you can do is wipe the tears from your eyes while you tell the vet it needs to be put down.

This is how you appeal to kids? I don't give a shit what year this movie was made in, if all you can scrounge up is a cameo by Whoopi Goldberg and O-Town, your movie is bullshit. Wrong, damaged bullshit.

4

Doogal

Poohadventures.wikia.com

Synopsis: A British cartoon series about a dog that looks like an extremely ugly child with mumps is made into a film about the same ugly dog. The dog releases an evil wizard from a merry-go-round and must stop him from preventing my brain from knowing how to finish this sentence because I can't give a shit on a genetic level about how the plot of this turd developed or was resolved.

Selling Point for Kids: What's not to love? The voice talents of Jon Stewart, Chevy Chase, and Whoopi Goldberg, plus fart jokes, a jack in the box, and a merry-go-round? Kids still love toys from 100 years ago, right? Yeah, probably.

If ancient toys and unnecessary fart jokes don't appeal to kids, take solace in the knowledge that the ugliest cartoon designs in recent memory pepper this film and the ensuing nightmares following its viewing. Why does everyone have the swollen face of a guy who watches movies in the back room of an adult theater? No one knows.

Hatred on Display: Inexplicably, this movie performed well in Europe. Well, actually it can be explained. Europe got the original cut. American children, who movie studios traditionally believe are one step up the evolutionary ladder from drunken orangutans, were believed to be unable to handle this movie in its original format, so it was redubbed by American actors and fart jokes that weren't funny were added in. See, because in America, all anyone understands is farting and the nuanced humor of Larry the Cable Guy. It's why Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone was renamed Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, because studios are convinced you're one retarded spasm away from flopping into a river and drowning because the mittens pinned to your coat caught on a log at all times.

I'm not embedding a clip of this shitty movie.

3

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

Movieboozer.com

2

Super Mario Bros.

Mario.wikia.ca

1

Pinocchio

SFGate.com

Synopsis: Everyone knows this story -- dude makes a puppet, puppet comes to life, wants to be a real boy, gets eaten by a whale, has a nose that grows when he lies, becomes a boy, the end. In this version, the little wooden boy is played by 50-year-old, balding, socially retarded Italian actor Roberto Benigni. Gonna be honest, I couldn't actually watch this whole movie, and I did watch all the other ones to write this article. This one, though, had to turn that shit off. I assume it follows the plot of the story you know, more or less.

Selling Point for Kids: I really have no idea. I know why Pinocchio from Disney appeals to kids, but I honestly think Roberto Benigni was literally insane when he sharted this thing out. Kids generally do not take a shine to middle-aged men dressed like sex abuse nightmares. If this movie was a meal, it'd be a burger with a series of pubes firmly embedded in the pickle at regular intervals so you absolutely know it wasn't a mistake.

Hatred on Display: This clip is not something I paid a group of sinister, society-hating nihilists to make for the express purpose of damaging your psyche, this is a real scene from this movie.

Roberto Benigni did everything you see in that scene on purpose. He wrote and directed this movie. It's not like he owed someone for placing bad bets down at the horse track. This was all his doing. Do you even want a child to see this? Do you want your progeny to have to grow and develop as humans with this embedded in their memories, threatening to creep out at any moment? Imagine coming home one day, years later, to find your kid dressed like Robert Benigni in this movie. Fuck that.