So you have a dog, probably some low-to-the-ground thing like a Chihuahua or a wiener dog, and it seems pretty hilarious to you, so you let it stay in your home. Then one day it starts vomiting toxic clouds of supervillain-style knockout gas. Oh s**t, you may utter, how did this-
You didn't finish your sentence because your dog's vomit knocked you unconscious and now there's just me here narrating the situation. Maybe I'll go through your drawers while you're out. Maybe you don't know if I mean drawers like a chest of drawers or drawers like underpants. Maybe you'll never know.
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All your drawers are damp! Felix out!
Back to the issue at hand. Turns out there's a kind of poison meant to fight off gophers and moles, something you'd expect to see in Caddyshack, that must smell at least a little beefy, since dogs seem to want to eat it. Problem is, it being poison, it's not good for dogs either. Ninety-nine times out of 100, this is a simple trip to the vet. Only this time, with this poison, the dog itself becomes toxic, like a living, crotch-slurping bioweapon. Between 2006 and 2011, four veterinary clinics fell victim to a toxic dog that came in, puked, and knocked everybody in the clinic on their ass.
The cause is zinc phosphide, a chemical used to kill little jerk rodents. When it gets in contact with stomach acid and water, it produces a brand new toxin: phosphine. Exposure to the gas as hurled up by the dogs can cause dizziness, nausea, respiratory distress, chest pain, and handmaiden's scrotum.