5

Dogalanche

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I hear that skiing is a very fun hobby if you're the type of person who enjoys both the cold and the out of doors, neither of which appeals to me in any way whatsoever. But if it did, maybe I would get my skis shined up and grab a stick of Juicy Fruit before heading out to Cameron Pass like Joe Philpott and Alex White. However, unlike those two, I would not bring my dog.

Early in 2013, the two friends had just finished a radical downhill slalom, or whatever it is ski people say when they go skiing. The problem was that the dog they brought was still at the top of the hill, and like any dog, he was unhappy to not be included in the fun. So he ran down the hill. Unfortunately, the hill came with him.

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Oh shit, cartoony hijinks!

The tricky thing about snow is that it's kind of a dick. It causes hypothermia, people throw balls of it at you and laugh when your retina detaches, and if it's covering a mountain, something as insignificant as a dog running down it can cause the entire pile of it to come rocketing at high speeds toward the ground.

4

Poppin' Caps in Asses

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Lots of people like to go hunting with dogs, a tradition that dates back to Nintendo's Duck Hunt. Man, that dog was a wicked doucher. He laughed at you. Who trains a dog to laugh at human failure? That's perverse. But the idea of a companion who will help you kill other animals without taking credit is both old and well-revered. Unfortunately, we have yet to learn that dogs are not always the best at this sort of thing, and not just because if you try to take out a bear with a Chihuahua at your side you will die a coward's death.

If you Google it, you'll find a harrowing number of cases of people actually being shot by dogs, which is amazing because a dog can't even get a license to own a firearm and it stands in direct defiance of the standard code of operation for a firearm, which is that guns don't kill people, people kill people. A dog with a gun should, at best, do nothing, or look adorable. Still, lots of people get shot by dogs, including one fellow in New Zealand who was not just shot by his dog, but shot in the ass. The ass! No place on the human body is more hilarious to get shot in, understanding that a shot in the testicles, a zone normally reserved for hilarity, would in this case be terrible and cringe-worthy. Never put a bullet at high velocity into your balls. For you ladies, I recommend you never put a bullet in your lady blossom. You know what I mean.

3

A Dog at Sea

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2

The Road Dog Warrior

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When dogs don't have access to firearms, they need to look for other fairly impressive ways to do damage to humans, like rabies. Rabies, of course, showed up in the '70s after a dog had sex with a monkey in Africa, or maybe cats made it and set it loose in Detroit, it's hard to pin down. Point is, dogs can do stuff. Dangerous stuff. And that stuff can also include the operation of precision machines like cars.

In this tale of woe, some carefree chucklefuck was out on a jaunt when suddenly -- BLAMBOW! A car came barreling toward him, possibly at typical barrel speeds. What happened was the car had been left running by its somewhat soft-brained owner. Inside the car, a dog that had no patience for not committing vehicular homicide put the car into gear and started it on its fateful path toward a pedestrian. The pedestrian saw the car heading toward a parked truck and attempted to stop it, instead succeeding in getting pinned between the two vehicles and knocking his ass out. The dog, we can assume, laughed mirthlessly.

1

DogbamaCare

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No one dies in this story or even gets maimed, and yet this one may be the saddest of them all, so I have saved it for last. This is the claw hand you find in the door handle of your car the next morning. This is your Rosebud. I don't mean that as a euphemism for butthole, either.

Baxter, a 14-year-old Yorkie from Colorado, has signed up for Obamacare. I want to leave that as the most important part of this paragraph, and I really want you to savor that. Roll it around a second, see how you enjoy the mouth feel.

At the time little Baxter signed up, only about 360,000 Americans had managed to get through the process, or roughly the population of Miami. Major media outlets had been raking the system over the coals since its inception, and jokes about low enrollment thanks to a poorly designed and executed website were par for the course each and every day. And a Yorkie had made it through.

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"I can get a kidney transplant whenever I want."

As numerous problems continue to plague the website and many people find themselves having problems getting properly insured, this dog triumphing over adversity is a majestic Dutch oven for all the peoples of America, a stinky sheet pulled over their heads to rub just a hint of salt in a frustrating wound.

How does a dog sign up for Obamacare, you might wonder? According to his owner, a letter came in the mail proclaiming that the dog was now insured. The likely cause was someone on the insurer's end drinking schnapps on the job, as the owner, when signing up, gave the dog's name as the answer to a security question, which naturally resulted in the dog becoming fully insured. If you can't trust your government to screw you in favor of a beast that licks its own ass, you're clearly not living in America.

Has a dog ever been more insulting to mankind? Short of sleeping with your significant other or possibly urinating on your dead mother after causing her death (perhaps from toxic vomit), a dog qualifying for health care when so few others can even figure out how to get the damn website to load is almost Kaufmanesque in its bleak hilarity. Baxter, you sinister bastard, I salute you.

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