By the 1840s, one English doctor theorized that big boobs were ideally beneficial to poor women. Since life below the poverty line was obviously a constant series of drunken brawls, the doctor thought that breasts served as a natural cushion against the beatings their plastered husbands would inevitably give them, or for when women randomly got into bare-knuckle boxing contests with other ladies.
If there is one thing doctors have known for centuries, it is that bitches be crazy. The ancient Greeks figured out why: Women have a uterus, which is something that men lack and therefore must be responsible for differences in behavior between the genders. They knew the uterus was enormously convenient for growing babies, but what the heck did it do when it wasn't in use?
The Greeks theorized that when a woman wasn't pregnant, the uterus could actually detach and move around the body like an "erratic animal," roaming throughout the rest of a lady's insides with a mind of its own. Sometimes it would leave the lower abdomen and ricochet around the chest cavity like a pinball, except instead of racking up points for everything it hit, it would just injure vital organs and cause a woman to go slightly insane. This perfectly explained the emotional nature of women in the eyes of the ancient Greeks, because women weren't allowed to contribute to the discussion at the time.
The uterus was also very picky about scents. If something smelled nice, the uterus would dislodge itself and try to get closer to the smell, but if something stank, it would pack up its ovaries and flee to a less-stinky area of the body.
The effects of the wandering womb were called hysteria, and this theory was taught as medical fact well into the Renaissance. Absolutely any medical condition a woman had could fall under the "hysterical" label. Depression? Hysteria. Dizziness? Hysteria. Cramps? Obviously hysteria, because if your pet uterus is trampling through your insides, you are going to feel it.
Even after doctors figured out that no organ could possibly detach and go for a stroll around someone's body, the hysteria label still stuck, and well into the 20th century, women were told that any "womanly" ailment was a result of their messed-up uterus. Fortunately, by the late 1800s, the go-to prescription for hysteria was an orgasm, obtained through a jet of water, a vibrator, or enthusiastic assistance from the doctor himself. Women suddenly got on board with the whole "my uterus made me do it" campaign when the treatment became "electronic masturbating underpants."
"Classic case of hysteria. Looks like the only cure is to show me your boobs and give me a blowjob."
A witch's teat is useless, but a witch's brew coffee from Jim's Organic Coffee is delicious.
Kathy wrote a very funny book, and you can buy it here and here.
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