5

Furries

Adam Berry/Getty Images

Not all furries are interested in dressing up as anthropomorphized animals and having sex with each other, but that's what they're famous for. Which sounds weird as hell until you realize that they're not harming anybody else. And they're putting more work into pleasing their partners than some people put into their wedding night.

AlekZotoff/iStock/Getty Images
"I can't believe you came between 'I' and 'do.'"

4

Masturbators With Tools

Vladimir Mucibabic/iStock/Getty Images

Anyone who has never masturbated raise your hand. The rest of you, carry on.

Erik Snyder/Photodisc/Getty Images
"Waaaaay ahead of you."

We're wired to want sex, our arms are preset at the right length, and humanity's entire advantage is being better at using tools to solve needs. Despite this, dildos and Fleshlights are still presented as punchlines. Either embarrassing in themselves or big veiny signs of failure (while) in or on their owners. But we're still meant to be fine spending over half a thousand dollars on video game consoles? Or paying far more per inch of plasma screen than even the most advanced proxy genital? And masturbation is way more fun than either of those. If there wasn't a refractory period there wouldn't be an electronic entertainment industry at all.

monkeybusinessimages/iStock/Getty Images
"This show's 30 minutes long, perfect!"

3

Old People

Studio Zanello/Ken Chernu

Imagining old people having sex is like banging piercings through your genitals. In that, if anybody forces you to do it, yes, complain as loudly as possible, but if they're enjoying it without you then it's really not your problem. Complaining about interacting wrinkles feeds into the same bullshit beauty myth that only conventionally attractive people are allowed to have sex. Which is putting the cart full of sexiness-enhancing products before the horse capable of actually having sex.

Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"This isn't the only wet plastic thing we'll share today! Or the only ring."

The advertising industry has created a stand-alone complex of appearance unsupported by any end point or biological reality. When people are happy in their own bodies, and in other people's, they're skipping the skin-deep circus of makeup. Which is why marketing tries to shame them back into place. If old people are having sex they win. They've lived longer than average and are continuing to live (and in some cases get longer) with the most vital verb we have.

The worst subset is people acting horrified that their parents have sex. It's the ultimate creationist argument, people getting upset over biological processes that must have happened for them to exist in the first place. It's also the sad bleating of a defeated killjoy. Trust me: If your physical arrival and subsequent years of screaming and shitting didn't kill your parents' sex drive, nothing will. You've already used every orifice-output option available. Mere words are nothing.

2

Fat People

Olivier Le Moal/iStock/Getty Images

If you don't find someone sexually attractive, that's it! That's everything you need to know about their sex life. And it's only you that needs to know this information. If they don't ask you to join in, you don't need to offer any opinion. Just quietly go on with your life not wanting to have sex with them. Instead of loudly failing to have sex with them, which is what the majority of such complaints really sound like.

Stewart Cohen/Jensen Walker/Blen
"Even this train won't let me inside it, so I think it's stupid and overweight!"

Most anti-fat aggression sounds like somebody complaining that they've been swindled. "I obey way more bullshit about what's meant to be conventionally attractive than them, why amn't I happy and having sex too?" Because outside the Borg sex isn't an issue of collective consensus. Sex is about finding someone who wants to have sex with you, and if you want to have sex with them too then woohoo.

But feeling superior to someone else feels good. And it's easier to diminish them than improve yourself. Easier again when you decide those people are worse in an instantly observable way that conveniently ignores any medical or personal facts. "Oh, but it's unhealthy!" wail the concern trolls, advancing to attack strangers under the camouflage of good intentions. If you're worried about helping people who are unhealthy, find someone screwing their spine and their senses by sitting hunched over a screen every day. Start calling them out on it. See how that goes.

Christopher Robbins/Photodisc/Getty Images
"Hey, I can see myself in the reflection on this screen."

1

Trans-Anything

Wikimedia Commons

A certain kind of comedy still thinks "man dressed as a woman" is funny, and that kind is the unfunny kind. In the future, people are going to look back on our era's jokes about every kind of trans, and they're going to smirk to their friends that they would totally never have done that sort of thing even if they'd lived back then.

Digital Vision./Photodisc/Getty Images
"That's really great and funny, because those problems are totally over now."

Anyone insisting that people wear the "right" clothes for their gender is saying, "I sexistly categorize every single human I see on sight, and you're screwing up my filing system." And those insisting on calling people what they "really are" really are shitheads.

If someone says they're he, she, or they, you call them he, she, or they. Just like you'd expect someone to call you by your name and not "that appalling asshole," and these two processes are now simultaneous. Every trans person has worked harder for their prefix than any doctor, lord, or king in the last century. Anyone trying to turn that into a joke isn't worth your time.

The only reason gender isn't obsolete as a concept is society is too entrenched in the mountains of bullshit we built up around it. After inventing a medium of exchange, electricity, and forklifts, physical differences should have become irrelevant. Continuing to discriminate by gender is like ignoring cars for horse-drawn carriages because we got too dependent on having horseshit everywhere, but the only industry was dumping that shit on half of the population. And training the other half to think they enjoyed the shoveling.

bdspn/iStock/Getty Images
"But biologically speaking ..."

Enjoy more sexiness with Luke in 5 Reasons Homophobia Is Unmanly, or learn The Worst Romantic Lessons From Video Games.

Enjoy more Internet sexiness with The 6 Geekiest Sex Toys, or more Internet alerts in 8 Things Some A$$#ole Says In Every Debate About Sexism.

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