Pictured: technically the most successful fictional exorcism.
In horror movies, priests are the equivalent of spiritual cellphone dead zone -- they can't have a signal for the film to work. The result is an entire genre in which the Devil is confirmed to exist, whereas God, Jesus, and their angels are either totally absent or have some convoluted reason to not help.
In The Exorcism Of Emily Rose, a devout young churchgoer is possessed by six demons, dies, and her exorcist faces murder charges in a trial directly influenced by dark forces. But it's totally okay, because she has a vision of the Virgin Mary telling her it'll ultimately give people faith! The psychic lady in Conjuring 2 claims to have seen angels helping people find the afterlife, but has to go it totally alone when facing off against multiple body-hopping demons. What the fuck kind of lazy mook is this God? I'm not the only one who noticed this. Actual priests have criticized these films for seriously downplaying the mythological power of Jesus -- a dude who can Biblically unpossess people like he's popping a zit.
Oxford University Press
"Yea, then Jesus lowered his sunglasses as the CSI: Miami theme played for all to hear."
To be clear, we're talking about fictional universes in which Biblical demons absolutely exist, and therefore have angelic counterparts who are either too weak or too lazy to lend a hand. And while you could argue that it's all part of some larger plan to strengthen faith or empower man, that sure as shit isn't the case with a film like The Omen, where Satan is workshopping the End of Days. Damien, the budding Antichrist, gets mad assists from Lucifer in the form of Rube Goldberg slaughters and literal hellstorms. Meanwhile, Gregory Peck's only hope is an ancient knife collection he has to travel across the world to get. Thanks, Jesus. You really came through at the zero hour with that fucking cutlery.
David watches movies and then tweets about those movies.
Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: The monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand-new, relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex. On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and Cracked staffers Michael Swaim and Teresa Lee welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of Sex at Dawn, onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion of love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think. Get your tickets here!
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