"Bucholz?" Cracked Editor-in-Chief Jack O'Brien asked, sticking his head into the door of my office. "You're the smartest person here, right?" "Correct." I looked up from one of the seven play-by-mail Go games I had going on. "Or as the French would say, 'correcte.'" "Wow." Jack did a credible job of feigning being impressed, although he didn't make the big showy gasp that I prefer. "We need you to do something for us." "Yes, you norms always do need help with various odds and ends, don't you?" I chuckled warmly. "Very well, Jack. Make your request." Resisting his natural urge to slap me, Jack continued: "We need you to write some interview questions for us. You know how Google has those interviews where they ask really off the wall questions to test the candidate's problem-solving ability? Like 'How many golf balls can fit in a Volkswagen?' and that kind of thing?" "I'm aware of it, yes. But I don't think Google does that any more. I think they eventually realized that it was more useful for their computer programmers to know how to program computers. With just golf ball crammers around, you end up making shit like Google Wave. And, I'd assume, deal with a lot of office pranks involving people firing golf balls out of their assholes. Is that the kind of person we need working at Cracked?" I asked, already knowing the answer. "If they can also work a spell check, yes." I frowned. "I thought I wasn't permitted to be part of the Cracked hiring process. Because I'd hire 'nothing but the reddest of the red communists,' I think you said." "Your Canadianness does alarm us to no end, and you still won't be allowed to meet candidates, or to lay hands on any of our means of production. But we would still like you to draft an interview script for us." "Because of my great intelligence." "That is the angle that we're currently coddling you with, yes." "OK then. It's done." "Thanks. When can you have it ready by?" "I said 'done,' didn't I? I predicted what you were going to say before you even walked in here." Using both hands, I massaged my enormous head in the most obnoxious way I knew how while maintaining full, unblinking eye contact. "It's already sitting in your inbox." ____________ That was a lie, but Jack isn't very agile with computers (he still uses both hands to mouse), so I figured I had a solid 20 minutes before he'd notice that the questionnaire wasn't there. My first thought was to just take one of the many lists of Google-esque interview questions from around the Internet and send that to him. But given Cracked's specialized needs, and the fact that Google is clearly staffed by imbeciles, it was obvious I would have to make some changes. Below I've broken down some of Google's laughably flawed questions and provided new and improved interview questions that are exactly one thousand times better. The questions are grouped into the six categories that all Cracked employees must excel in: - Calculations - Puzzles - Problem Solving - Lateral Thinking - Physics - Potpourri
Beyond that, the most complicated calculation we're likely to perform is ordering a list in descending order. Though we can also usually get our IT guys to do it for us in a pinch, or, ironically enough, just Google the answer.
Anyone who's seen Rubik, the Amazing Cube cartoon would immediately qualify for a position here as our Senior '80s Bullshit Researcher.__
"Hmmmmmmmmmm ... how about the horizontal baby forge?"__
"Maybe ... maybe just whale on it and see if something funny happens?"__
Physics can also be used for lobbing hot napalm on Cracked's foes.__
New Cracked employees are also responsible for producing Cracked-brand potpourri (a mixture of dried flowers, herbs and seasoned taco beef).__
"I'm thinking some kind of pun on hot napalm ..."____________________________________________
Check out more from Bucholz in 9 Steps to Creating Your Own Hyper-Intelligent Ape and The 8 Worst Types of Blog on the Internet.
Things could always be much, much worse.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
You've probably never heard of it.