People Who Say, "No Spoilers" For Things That Are Over 3 Years Old
When I was a lad, I heard about this Kevin Costner movie called No Way Out that was supposed to be fantastic, and I really wanted to see it. After all, I had just learned the complicated mechanics of self-love, and I heard there was a Sean Young limo scene I really needed to see. I also heard that the movie had a total blow-your-mind surprise ending. The weeks went by and more and more people were talking about
No Way Out
. When conversations came up, I'd say something like, "Ooh, ssh, don't ruin the ending for me," because, y'know, it was the '80s and no one had invented "no spoilers" yet. Anyway, turns out I never saw it. Even today, I've never seen it so I can only guess that either Kevin Costner turns out to be the bad guy or Sean Young turns out to have a penis, but that's not the point. The point is after a couple of years, I stopped asking people not to spoil it for me. I had my shot. I blew it.
And yet, there are still babies going around getting pissed off at people who ruin things from like three years ago or more. I shouldn't do this because frankly it defeats the whole point of my article, but I'm about to spoil some old news, so (sigh) spoiler alert. Really old spoilers coming right after the picture of spoiled milk. You can jump to the picture of the crying baby to know it's safe to come out, you wuss. Just know that in between these two pics I'm totally talking about the time I nailed your mom.
SPOILER ALERT. Season 2 of
was a long time ago. Dokes eats it. He totally gets killed. It was Lilah. I'm allowed to talk about that freely. The statute of limitations is up and you can't get upset. Citizen Kane
? Rosebud was his sled. He was talking about his sled. Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father. I nailed your mom. Faye Dunaway's daughter in Chinatown
is also her sister. Bruce Willis is dead the whole time in The Sixth Sense
Look, I'd be the first to concoct some sadistic punishment for people who spoil things days, weeks, even month's or years after they come out, but there comes a point where you have to grow up and stop expecting the world to bend its conversations to your inability to download stuff off the Internet.
Appropriate Death Penalty
The offender is placed in a room with a large scalpel. The ending of every single thing that has ever existed is announced over a speaker until the offender loses the will to live and ends his own life. As he is bleeding out, the last thing he hears is, "Spoiler alert. We're totally dressing up your corpse in a silly outfit when you're dead."
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